Somethings missing

I feel like I'm missing half of myself.

For my darling

I'll take this down once you've seen it, I know how you feel about pda babe.

I  am not going to cry until you text me

Loneliness is something we have to deal with, but I will be there for you
Of all the people who I've met, you've been the most amazing
Von Hardenberg may make me royalty, but you're my Queen
Enchanted by Taylor Swift describes how wonderstruck I was and am by you

You have a special place in my heart
Of all the people I've loved, you have been the truest love I've known
Underneath all my insecurity there's confidence built up by you

After you drove away I felt like a train hit me
Machismo tells me I shouldn't cry
All of my feelings say the opposite
No one can take what you gave to me away
Don't say you're sorry, you were forgiven before you even said it
And you better move on from me, onto someone you'll love

Many girls and guys will come along, I won't forget you
And I'm not going to stop being friends or talking with you
Everyone might think we're weird, but I don't care

Babe, I've never given anyone a nickname before but you felt right for it
Letting you go is going to be so hard
And I bet you think I'm silly for making this acrostic poem
Can't let you go without one more sappy thing to make you shake your head and smile
K is such a weird letter to start a sentence with!

I love you so much. And I bet you're annoyed with me posting something like this online where everyone can see it. I know you hate PDA, but too bad. This poem is for you. Read the first letters down and hope that I spelled your middle name right. You're my best friend. And us not being together anymore doesn't change that. You've always got me, and I know I've always got you. Any programming help you need I'm there for you, after all, as a nerd what else could I be good for? You've been the best girlfriend I've ever had. And you've given me a lot of firsts, I'm glad I had them with you. You're amazing, and I will always think that.

Mental vs Physical

Last night at school for a month and a half.

I plan on spending it studying, eating chinese food, and spending a little time with the friends who have the same final as I do tomorrow. I still have to do some packing and cleaning tomorrow, but mentally I'm ready to go home I think. I'm not tired of learning, after all I need to and want to learn about Drupal and some other stuff for an internship I have next semester. I'm a little tired of lectures though.

This has been the first semester where I consistently spent most of my time in a few classes trying not to sleep. It's not that I didn't find the subject interesting. I think I was just trying to do too much. And I suppose next semester is going to be even more of that. I have not one, but two internships running concurrently for the next semester. Plus four high level computer science classes. I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but I'm going to try my damnedest. On another level, I'll have the stress of 'go find a job' boiled into my head by teacher after teacher. Or at least from most of them that will happen I bet. My teacher for a senior software development course told me that I had a lot of potential and that I should consider graduate school. It's a big compliment in my eyes, trying not to let it go to my head, but wow. The professor is stupidly smart, went to Caltech and the whole shebang. I feel good about getting a nice compliment from him like that.

Anyway. Studying is going alright, but I'm so done with it. I don't really want to be studying anymore. I want to be coding, working on projects and solving fun applied problems. Coming up with new algorithms to defeat difficult issues, maybe doing analysis on them to determine if they're better or not. Hell, why not try to prove NP = P or not. That'd be a nice cool million bucks :p (Doubtful that I could do it, but I can pretend).

I don't know if I miss home or not. My hometown has a lot of places that have good memories, and a lot that have bad memories. I wouldn't mind just uprooting my life there and leaving most of it behind. I love my friends and wouldn't want to lose them. But the town itself, I could live without. There's more painful memories there than good ones, and it's too easy to get distracted by it all. But if I were to get up and move away, where would I go? It's a difficult question. And not one I feel I'm ready to handle quite yet. I'll hopefully come up with more ideas of what to do over the winter break. It's scary. Graduating from college means I won't see all these people who I consider my peers and who I enjoy talking to about intellectual things.

For me, talking about interesting and intelligent topics has become a bit of a drug I suppose.  Being intellectually stimulated is way better than being physically aroused. They're two sides of the coin I guess. Physical release is an amazing thing because for a few fleeting I don't have to think. There are no words, no thoughts, only feelings and the amazing pleasure and relaxation of both mind and body. Mental stimulation gets me worked up, it haunts my thoughts prying open new doors and breaking boxes and boundaries in my mind, helping me to attain new levels of progress. It keeps me up at night rather than putting me to sleep, it stresses rather than relaxes, it's the build up to the moment that is the pleasure, every ounce of problem solving poured in is palpable. And then, you solve it. You write about it, you explain it to everyone you can, indulging in your own superfluous degree of arrogance of being able to do something you find so monumental. Then, over time, it fades away until it was just another blip on your crusade to knowledge. Physical stimulation is so fleeting, it's the moment that matters. The release that takes your breath away. Mental stimulation is a building, slow wave of intoxication that fills you up with immense frustration and joy at the same time.  Both go away in the end. But one lasts longer.

What a fun tangent.

One more week.

One more week until:

I'm in my bed back home.
In the same state as my girl.
Working remotely for a real internship (not just subcontract work, been there done that)
The first time I've come back from a semester and not had to work my summer/winter job
I'm done with the last fall semester of my undergraduate career
I need to start really thinking about the future
I will not be signed up for any math classes for the first time
I have to switch gears from professionalism to relaxed
I need to pay a bill
I get paid
I can listen to whatever music I want without getting weird looks
I don't have office hours anymore and can spend all of my attention on my own problems
I can code for fun again
I never have to code an android application again
I get to play with Ubuntu
I see my family
I see my friends
I think about why this list ended up being listed the way it is
I stop saying 'I' at the beginning of n-2 statements in a list
I eat homemade food.

So many things to look forward to. It will be an interesting week.

Rereading blog, random thoughts, change

I was just looking through old posts and read this one:
http://realityperplexed.blogspot.com/2010/11/taylor-swift-and-transporter-vacations.html

Its interesting how far I've come, and how stuck in the rut I still am. My head was in such a different place when I wrote that blog, romantically I mean. Well, maybe not completely different but things have changed. Although my music taste hasn't. I still listen to a variety of music, and funny enough, I'm listening to Taylor Swift, probably because that blog post reminded me of it and that I'm just feeling the really sad songs right now. I'm not in a particularly sad mood, pretty normal I guess. But I am doing that thing where I'm staying awake way too much.

Something that has changed is my living space though. I have no roommate to worry about anymore. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I sit here on my bed, with my laptop shining and music playing and don't even worry about bothering someone else. Do I miss it? If I spent more time in my room I think I might miss having a roommate. Having someone to talk to at night was a big thing for me, because when the dark rolls in outside, it tends to roll in my mind as well and my thoughts wander down pathways I don't want them to. I spend about..... 6 or so hours in my room everyday, maybe 7 or 8 at most. I sleep in my room. And that's it. I wake up a half hour before I go to work, and tend to be back in my bedroom an hour or so before I go to sleep. The rest of the day is spent in a windowless lab in the computer science building at the university. I suppose saying windowless doesn't exactly invoke a pleasant feeling in many people. For me though, I love the warmth of the building, being able to shut out the outside world and just focus on whatever I need to be done. Not to mention the other people in the lab's intellect stimulates me. If you want to be smart, then elevate your company to be with those who are smarter than you, and then teach those less intelligent than you as much as you can. Everyone wins this way.

Anyway. I guess that blog post I linked to was one of the last ones before I really got into doing my own projects and switching to this odd workaholic productive mode I'm always in. I wonder if I've filled up my life with work for some reason. I mean, maybe having so much to do all the time helps me distract myself from being lonely. A long distance relationship is hard sometimes, one of those dark rolls I mentioned that occur at night is when I'm lying awake and just wishing I had her to hold. When I'm feeling down or stupid or just unhappy, I know that if she was lying with me, I'd be ok. So I guess I work a lot and take on way too many responsibilities in order to distract my mind as much as possible. The bottom line I suppose is that I'm a bit of a sap sometimes.

Never give your heart to someone so completely that they can truly hurt you. When you let someone into your heart, you can never really get them back out. You can try to forget them, but there will always be reminders. And unfortunately for me, a lot of things in my life are associated with her, simple gestures, dance moves, phrases, inside jokes between multiple friends, foods, everything and anything. Even some numbers. It's rediculous how invested I was in her. I was so convinced and so stupid. Maybe that's why I generally tell my friends, half jokingly, that I'm a cold hearted bastard. Because I guess I am sometimes.

So I guess what I wrote right there surprises the current me, even if that's how I felt at the time. I understand where the past me was coming from though. That time was when I was lonely, I had no one, the one girl who I thought something was going to happen with had come out and told me that she was sorry she led me on, but she was waiting on a different boy. Which made me feel like shit because it was effectively saying that she liked me, but she liked this other kid more, and so much more than he was worth waiting for even though that didn't even end up happening. So it wasn't even until she had been rejected that she looked at me in the same way, and by that point we were such good friends, that it would be like dating a sister/brother. Well, I suppose my qouted statement is based off of that, but mostly the first girl who broke me. I suppose what hit me most is my saying that there will always be reminders. Mainly because the other day I smelled the perfume she used to wear wafting at me from some girl in the classroom. It was awful. I think out of all the senses, smell is one of the most memorable. I seriously felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. I stopped paying attention to the teacher. Stiffened up in my seat and took a breath. Same smell again. I stopped breathing. My mind racing in circles asking why? who? where is she? I don't want to see her? I hate this. Stop. Stop. Stop. Before the intelligent side of my head kicked in and told the emotions to shove it. It's not uncommon for a smell like that to show up. The memories it brought back weren't especially good ones. But it did bring that one word into my brain. That one word I haven't even spoken in ... oh god at least 5 years. That I still haven't spoken. Everything that's tied to that word is no longer relevant to who I am. It might have helped shape me to be who I am today, and is a part of me, but it's not ... to be redundant it's not relevant to my life anymore. And I suppose I was more surprised than anything that such a simple thing as that smell could bring such a rush of emotions into me.

Its funny to me to remember how I was angry at my roommate that night. We're best friends still even if we don't live together anymore. Such a small thing and yet, it meant so much to me at the time. I wonder if almost everything in life can eventually be viewed like that? I mean, past relationships seem huge during their course and for a while after. But you slowly heal if it was a bad one, or forget about and replace it with a better one if it was an ok one. Things that mean a lot to us today can mean next to nothing ten years down the road. There are some things that I think don't change. Your passions don't change. You can switch it up and be more passionate about something else for a while, but I don't think you can really stop being passionate about something once you've started. Or at least you can't stop if you're actually passionate about it. Another thing that doesn't change is love I think. Cliche I know. But if you actually do love someone, then they're always a part of you. I think that's part of what being in love is. And when a relationship ends for whatever reason, you might be able to tell if you loved that person by how much they still mean to you when its all done. But I'm an optimist so I suppose I'd like to think that if you love someone, that relationship doesn't end. But life isn't always fair that way.

ANYWHO. Getting off that depressing topic. I'd prefer to talk about other things, primariy because the theoreticals are nice, but I'd like to talk more about stuff that's more relevant to my life I guess. And musing about how the human races relationships work out and what love is can probably fill another blog post in itself.

My graduation is coming soon. I don't even know what to do about it.

I used to wake up at 5 am to go to school and sit with a girl who had to get dropped off early becuase she had family issues, because I was crushing on her bad. 

I completely forgot about this. I guess I should be a hyprocrit and contradict myself now. How did I forget about that? This was a part of my life for at least a year and a half. Maybe because it was highschool? Maybe because in the overall scheme of things, it didn't matter as much as it could have. I was in a hugely different place when that was happening. That was before my first relationship and more of the third crush in my life. Crazy how time flies by so fast and how we all change.



I guess what I'm trying to get at with this random blog is that we all change. And to me, what seems to mark points in my life is these events that meant so much to me at the time, but then I look at them 2 or more years down the road and... it's like I'm a totally different person. Or at least, changed quite a bit. Maybe its all just part of growing up and being mature. Pfft did I just call myself mature? God I hope not.

Why?

Why do I do this to myself?

Negative People and Social Etiquette

I can't stand it.

If you're out with friends, having a good time, being silly, making jokes, telling good little stories, all these light-hearted things -- then bam. Someone drops the hammer and throws out their cry for attention. Bringing a heavy topic onto a bunch of jolly people is just... like. How socially ritarded do you have to be? And I mean ritarded in the musical sense-- slowed down. There is a time and a place for everything. I'll give you a hint, in public places when you're with people who include those who don't neccesarily form your close friend group, there is absolutely no reason to start baring your soul and working your personal issues into the conversation. Its frustrating.

On the subject of social etiquette, if someone decides to buy you food. 1, you accept their generosity  2, you do not abuse their generosity by buying expensive things. If a friend gets a 6 ounce glass of wine, don't ask if they want to split a bottle. Especially if you know that they're driving.

So far this has been a very complaining post. So I apologize. Most of the time I use this blog to vent, so I wonder if I come off as more unhappy or negative here.

Back to my points, negative people irk me. I wish I had as super awesome kitanna to swing at the mod of people posslbe.! :)

either that, or ... nevermind im tired , but ill work on this tomowwo

Home again for Turkey Day Break

Well. This is awkward.

This is the first time I've ever come home and felt... not home I guess. I walked into my room and turned on the light after setting my bags down. I had completely forgotten what my room looked like entirely. It was so alien to me. I've never had that happen to me before. Coming home was always one of those, oh there's MY bed and I love it so much because it is mine. Now it's more like, here's a bed... and that's it.

I don't know how I should feel about it, I mean. It might just be because I moved to this room for just the summer form my old room. My old room has most of my stuff in it, so maybe if I go in there it will make me feel more homey. Its odd. Maybe I'm just ready to fly the coop.

Disappointment, Death, and ,,, something else that begins with a d?

Why do we do things even when we know we'll be disappointed by them?

When I'm waiting for something, I tend to check for it, even if I know the odd's aren't in my favor. I wonder if this is the downside of being hopeful. Say I'm waiting for a package I ordered, I'll check on amazon for the tracking information every day until it gets to me. Most of the time checking it a few times a day, just to see how the package is coming along on it's road to me. It's my natural curiosity to some extent, and to a larger degree my hoping that somehow it will travel faster than it is. Sometimes I leave messages for people, like on their birthdays, or just because I haven't talked to them in a while, or sometimes just because I wanted to hear their voice. Secretly I just want to be called/responded back to with anything. I think I touched on it last post, but the 'seen' status of a message on gchat or facebook drives me insane. And I think it's because of this. Here I am, hoping to hear back because hearing back makes me happy. To know that someone is taking a bit of time and thinking about me for a while. I suppose it's kinda selfish. So back to my original sentence,why do I check things like amazon, facebook, email, etc when I know that I'm probably going to be disappointed? Hope I guess. And some strange optimism that I have that it will be there.

On a completely and totally unrelated note. I mentioned my grandmother for the first time to a friend today. She's rather old, and has been developing dementia. My parents want to go visit her during thanksgiving. But going to DC or Virginia just sounds awful to me. It's not that I don't want to see my family, it's that I don't want to be forced to travel over my vacation. To me, vacation is a time when I should just rest, sleep, not be stressed, and maybe do some fun things. But it seems like the people around me always want me to be doing things. It's like when a family decides to go on a vacation for a week to get away from the home life and do something exciting, but they fill up their itinerary so much that everyone has so much trouble keeping up with the pace that no one even has any fun. Anywho, back to my grandmother. I don't know why, but death doesn't bother me too much. Thinking that my grandmother is pretty old, she's at least above 80 now I believe. And she's started to develop some mental issues in addition to the physical ones she's had for a few years. I don't really think it's that crazy that I accept the fact that she'll probably die in the next decade or so. I guess it's morbid to say something like that. But at least it's realistic, and my grandmother is the kind of person who wouldn't want anyone to be to bothered by her going. She always had great advice for us, and fully accepted that people die and you have to accept that. Maybe it was losing my grandfather that made her accept that way of life. I never met either of my grandfathers. One died before I was even born I believe, and the other one died a year or two ago. The one that died more recently I never met because he's part of my mother's family and lived in Germany. My mother did used to tell me stories though. He was a music tutor and could play any instrument really well and used to compose for things. My mom used to tell me that he was so happy that I was musical. I think I talked to him once or twice on the phone before. His broken english to my spattering of german really didn't work too well for communication. But just knowing about him was nice.

All that being said, I wonder if something is wrong with me. I can accept death so easily. It's something that happens to everyone. If someone you care about develops a mental issue that reduces them to less than the person they were before, or to the point where they don't even know who they are anymore. Why bother continue living? Is it really living if you can't even understand that you're alive? Losing yourself sounds awful. I don't think I'd ever want to go that way, I value my mind far too much to think that I might not be able to think or something as me someday. Maybe that's why my family is so good at being aware even when we're intoxicated haha. Even when I've had a good number of drinks I remain me. I think the same way, I analyze the same way. Everythings the same besides I might be a bit more prone to dancing or doing something I might think I'd get judged for.

I wonder if it will be awful when she goes. I can understand my lack of empathy about my grandfathers as I never truly met them. But my grandmother was the little old lady who always played the piano at church and was loved by everyone of them. So I wonder how I'll feel when she dies. Will I move on as easily as I have in light of my two grandfather's deaths? As my aunt's death this past year? Am I actually affected by these events and I'm just shutting it out to avoid the feelings, or am I really that devoid of concern for death?  Perhaps it's not the nicest way to phrase it, but when someones dead, they're gone and there's nothing you can do about it besides remember the good times. And I don't think anyone who died would want you to be sad about it. I mean, sure it's nice to know people cared about you, but the best way to show that is for you to keep living to the fullest and being happy. Not being sad and living in the past every moment of the present.

Wow, that strayed off the original point of setting myself up for disappointment. I don't like being disappointed, and I tend to avoid it as best as I can. But, I guess the only problem with being optimistic all the time is that you're let down a lot since you expect more than you get. Eh, whatever, as an optimist, I guess you just have to be optimistic about that too hahaha.

In another unrelated note. Horoscopes are hilarious, although sometimes the ones about relationships between the different signs is pretty interesting to read up on.

Scared of Graduating, talking to people

http://xiloveyouxlaura.xanga.com/764306024/one-of-the-hardest-parts-of-life-is-deciding-whether-to-walk-away-or-try-harder/

Wow. I stumbled on this trying to find a nice picture to send to my girlfriend. I clicked on this picture becuase I thought it was a cute one:

I took it's meaning to be: No matter what distance seperates the two of you, it doesn't matter because you're still there for each other. Distance doesn't matter if you're still supporting each other and keeping up with each others lives.

I attempt to keep everyone, not just the people who I love up to date on my life. My friends back home, many of which I do love very much, many friends who I don't feel as deep a connection with I still try to chat up every now and then. I think communication is important. Talking to people and keeping in touch is, in my opinion one of the least appreciated, but most important things in a friendship or relationship.


If I haven't talked to you in a while and come out of the blue with a hey what's up. I feel like most people initial reaction is: What? Why is this person from my best suddenly talking to me? I mean, they might be happy too. But, I think if it was someone you might not have talked to in a long time they're more inclined to consider the former. If I can diverge on a tangent for a moment... I hate being able to tell if someone's seen my chat on facebook or gchat or any form of talking over sms. Why? Because if someone see's something, but doesn't respond to it. Then what? My mind starts running, are they ignoring me? Did I do something wrong? Did I misinterpret something. How did I fuck up this time? All my thoughts are always very self centered when it comes to seeing that little 'seen at 8:02' or whatever. It's not until I give it some thought like this where I think: Maybe they were closing chat at a time or leaving and since it popped up it just counted as seeing it. Maybe they clicked it but then had to run off to do something. Maybe some other thing that has nothing to do with me popped up. But, nope. That's not my reaction. It's instant am I being ignored?

Is that such a bad knee jerk reaction? I guess I've been feeling a little bit sensitive recently. I've had plenty of success professionally and academically recently. Winning HackVT's best Student Team with a group of friends, being contacted by a local media site for a story, being contacted by graduate students to help with projects. It's been rather... unexpected but nice. At the same time though, I just feel like crap. Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep, sometimes people will say something to me and I'll feel like this:

When there's probably little to no reason for me to feel  like that. I think it's just a combination of not being able to sleep, stress at being so hopelessly busy, and also trying to give the right advice to my friends on things. A good number of my friends struggle with personal issues and they tell me and talk to me about it. For some reason they just want my advice who knows why, but apparently sometimes I shell out some good ones. I think it's more of just being able to rant and talk about whatever and knowing that I'm not judging them. 

I find it odd, now that I think about it. I have an odd form of judgement. If I see a stranger who is doing something a bit funny. My initial thought is typically: what the hell is wrong with this person? And then my curiousity peeks in. And I begin contemplating what scenarios could have happened. For example, I see a person walking down the street crying. My initial reaction is, crap I want to avoid this person. Not nice, and not a very sympathetic emotion but thats what it is. Tears make me feel awkward. After that, typically once a person has gone past. My mind races and comes up with reasons why. They just failed a class. Someone just died. They broke up with someone. They found out the person they liked started dating someone else. So many possible reasons to start crying and not care about where you are. And then the initial judgement of your weird goes away, and it's replaced by. I wish I could help somehow. Sometimes you just want to hug an upset person, but you know it's not ''appropriate'' and you yourself might be branded weird or worse so you don't do it. 

Sometimes I think I'm a judgemental person. And I think that's true to some extent. I have certain types of people who I have no patience for. If you're a type of person I can't stand or really don't like. I judge. Harshly. If you're my friend, I typically don't judge in a mean way, but I've found out that I tend to be rather direct if the situation calls for it. One of my friends has recently started hooking up with people to attempt to fuck the pain away... I told her she was being a slut. She's fine with that. She's one of my best friends, so when we talk, that level of honestly is why she talks to me about so many of her problems. I try to be an honest person I really do. I attempt to express what I'm feeling most of the time. And when situations arise that might be uncomfortable, or that someone doesn't want to bring up, I want to talk about it. Not because I want to be an ass and make the other person unhappy, but because talking about things is important. Whether it's: one night stands, racism, sexism, education, or whatever. I want to talk about it even if I don't know much about it. 

As silly as it sounds I do love learning, not being educated in a boring classroom, but actually learning useful things. Or listening to interesting viewpoints. To me, a strong passionate, goal oriented person whose driven to do something is someone I want to talk to. I want to hear their opinions, their goals, everything. Even if I don't agree I want to understand.

For example, I want to understand how the presidential candidates can lie through their teeth and still get votes. Shouldn't lying be one of the things you don't want? Why can't we have fact checkers in audiences of the debates who can give instant feed back. I bet the amount of lying would drop quickly, and the debates might run a little bit more smoothly. 

Getting off topic it seems.

Anyway, my point is that despite all these 'awesome' awards and progress I'm making in my academic life as I come nearer to graduating, I still feel like crap sometimes. I don't eat right, a lot of the time I eat half a sandwich and just feel like it takes so much effort to chew, its a mechanical process and I get bored of it. If I'm actually hungry, I become full after a few bites. I don't know whats wrong with me. Breads and meats tend to fill me up really fast. And I've been eating a salad for lunch every other day because it's the only thing that feels like it tastes good to me. Everything else is kinda bland. I feel like I'm nearly constantly thirsty. I must not be drinking enough. I'm scared of getting carpel tunnel or arthritis because I need my hands to work for all the things I want to accomplish in life. But sometimes my wrist aches a little and it worries me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just stressed out subconsciously and am losing my appetite because of it and just aren't taking care of myself recently. Last semester I had a constant reminder to eat 3 meals a day from my girlfriend,  but I don't know if I could ask her to bother me about that everyday when I know she's dealing with difficulties in her life as well. 

I don't want to be a burden to anyone I care about. When I talk to the friends I mention before, the ones who I talk to about their issues. I tend to not bring up my own problems. I dont know what it is with me, but complaining just isn't something I do well. The moment I open my mouth to complain, or start writing something, I start thinking about the opposing viewpoints and start thinking about what my responses say about me. I suppose I'm kind of introverted recently. I guess I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, more than just on school work. But on life in general. It's this gigantic shadow in the back of my mind of: what do you do after you graduate? Seriously. Do I move back home and get a job there? Do I move to the state that I'm being educated in and try to work my network and connections? Do I uproot my life entirely and move across the nation in pursuit of the best possible jobs for me? There are so many things, and I don't know what I can, what I should, or what I can't do. The "Real Life" is rearing it's head awfully fast and I dont know exactly what to do and I don't think I've ever had to really dwell on this type of thing before. So what do I do? I just wish I had someone to tell me sometimes. But instead, I can pretend. I can look at opportunities and think about whether I might do them or not. I can say I'm looking into all these things. I can  pretend I'm not scared to death of graduating. But in all honestly, who isn't?

Transhumanism

I just finished watching a talk given by Lepht Anonym, a really interesting british Wetware hacker. Long story short, it's curious and doesn't mind cutting itself up just to try out an interesting implantation idea in an effort to increase sensory perception. During the talk, at the end, the audience asked questions and turns out that Lepht can actually feel magnetic fields, and according to it, if it could draw it would trace them out pretty acurately.

You might be wondering why I keep saying it instead of he or she, it's because Lepht prefers to be anonymous from what I could tell from the blog written by it and the comments in general. Not to mention the video's descrition said: if you dont want to know the gender dont watch this!

Anyway,  Ithought it was really cool, I'm not about to start openning my fingertips and implanting hardware into myself, but it did give me the idea of looking online to see if the electricity given off by the body itself could be used to power really low level things.


Heres the link if anyone wants to watch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-Dv6dDtdcs

Feminism....

http://madamenoire.com/57269/how-feminism-is-ruining-your-love-life/

I just read this article and then started reading the comments below. Boy was that fun. Its interesting to see how people's lives have affected their viewpoints and how easy people generalize and try to force their opinions on others.

It's stupid.

Men and Women are the same species. We're all human. We throw labels on everything because as humans we tend, as a species, to quest for knowledge and to simply know things. And to know something, you must classify it seems to be a pretty big idea. So we end up with, feminists, radical, conservatives, socialists, communists, capitalists, masculists (yeah bet you didn't know about those), and a whole plethora of labels. And its nice to be able to give something a name, it makes it less scary. Its like when your window gets hit by a tree and you think its a ghost because you're 4, then you're told be a parent that it was just a tree. Oh, a tree, well then now that I know what it is, it's not scary anymore.

Anyway, men and women are different. And better yet, men are different from other men, and women are different from other women, and some men are the same as some women and some women are the same as men. Fancy that right? There's no general principles that will define all men or women in a clear cut fashion. You can't even break up a hermaphroditic or transvestite or third gender type person because plenty of them identify with either a third gender or as one or the other.

In no way is anything universal to the sexes. Is that so hard to understand? You can root explanations in biology, but its nurture not nature that shapes most of our lives. If you're raised in an abusive household you might become mute, you might become strong, you might have issues or hell somehow you'll tend up 'normal' it all depends on who you are. And its the same with the relationships between men and women.

No single relationship is the same between people, when people try to classify each other it only hurts peoples feelings. Go ahead, tell your significant other "I wear the pants" and watch how infuriated they'll become. When you demean someone it doesn't matter what gender they are or who they are, it hurts, and when a human is hurt, you retaliate.

Now onto a bit of what those comments touched on, because they were all fairly different. Some yelled about how women were being oppressed, some about how men were oppressed. I can see both sides of the argument. And both stem from the same source. Entitlement. Some women, and some men feel like they're entitled to certain things in life. Like, if you're raised that men open doors for women, then as a woman you'll expect a guy to hold the door for you as a norm. Likewise, if a guy is raised that the woman cooks meals in the home, then he'll expect that. Both sexes feel they are entitled to what they're used to. When people start seeing entitlement as something to enforce then you have a problem. Men being paid more? Entitlement. Women being the nurturing and loving side of parenting? Entitlement. Its all crap.

Any sex or gender can play any role they want. But the point is that the roles should be played to complement each other and so you work together. If a couple pairs up, doesn't matter if its same sex or straight, then they should help each other to grow and become better as people in general. Its not a fucking competition and that's what everyone, not one sex specifically, need to understand. It' teamwork that matters and when you're a goddamn couple, that means you're together, and hopefully making each other better off for it. Supporting each other through rough times, complimenting each other when you're feeling down, pointing out ways to get farther in the world. Everything. Being in a relationship is a two-sided street. Not some ridiculous one way where all the love and affection stream from one person to another. Although that one's a one way street, a one way street to the person whose putting in the effort to leave and find someone who will actually appreciate them.

My problem with radical feminists is that they think they can do everything themselves with no ones help but their own, or worse yet, only other feminists could possibly understand and help them. That goes against original feminists ideals. Men and Women as Equals. Equals share responsibility and don't try to do everything themselves, they work together as equals, to make something bigger than themselves.

Death and foresight

So my grandmother is going to die soon. I just read an email from my aunt who takes care of her. My grandmothers senile dementia is getting worse and she's recovering from heart surgery and breaking her left arm during a fall. It's weird to think about the nice old lady who would give me candy or play the piano in church being gone. But then again, since she moved away to live with my aunt 5 or so years ago she hasn't really been part of my life.

When she would visit it was always nice, her stories and everything were great to listen to and she always had good advice on a broad range of topics. Hell, she even remembered advice from a first grade teacher she had. But I guess that's all changing now, she can't remember things very well anymore and forgets easily. Not too mention it sounds like she's rather irritating to argue with, as my aunt mentioned that. I guess the one thing I'm really sad about is that my father will have to go through the death of his mother at some point in the probable near future. My mother has already gone through that, and I can tell its difficult. I mean, if I try to imagine it its pretty earth-shattering. Someone like that who was a constant growing up suddenly being thrown away, gone forever, all that.

Sucks I guess. But, when you don't see people for a long time and don't keep up with them, I guess it's easy to just continue on without really changing. I mean, if you've gotten along this well without them being the driving force behind you anymore then you'll get along fine without them when they're completely gone. And I think that's all that parents could probably hope for their children. I mean, raise em right and teach em well and they'll carry on while you burn in hell. Sorry, I had to make the rhyme right there, it was too good. But my point is that the reality of any situation is that children (in an ideal world) surpass their parents in the whole living game. So its only natural to pay your respects, nod your head to the reality of the situation, and carry on like you know they'd want you to.

unhappiness and loneliness

Does everyone get those periods in their life when they just kinda get in the contemplative mood and just think. Not really focused on anything in particular but just think about whatever.

These moods seem to strike whenever though, doesn't matter if you're having a good time or not, they just show up. I imagine for a lot of people they show up when you've been drinking, even though sometimes I think some people try to drink away their thoughts. I try not to do that. There are days where it seems like it'd be really nice to just not think. I mean, when you spend your whole day thinking nearly constantly and problem solving, and thats what you're used to. Its relaxing to problem solve and think, but when the problem is solved.... you have nothing to do anymore.

I wonder if that's my problem. I feel like I used to do whatever, waste time doing pretty much nothing, or just being procrastinating and do anything else. But now, after a bunch of college and figuring out how best to do what I like doing, I'm stuck. Its like, I want to be unproductive and go 'have fun' but I can't because my mind is always on something major-related. I feel like I have nothing to talk about with my friends if we're not doing work; and that's really depressing I guess. Problem solving and such interests me, having something to work on makes me happy. But it's like my self-worth is proportional to how much work I'm getting done, how many people I'm helping, and not on things like social gatherings,being popular,having close friends,money, and all the 'regular' things someone might list to define fun things. I mean, when I get bored hanging out with friends and start thinking about all the problems/work I could be doing if I wasn't being polite, I realize what I'm thinking and kinda get upset with myself. Then I see people who are being 'normal' and being excited about the 'right things' and then I feel sad and a little jealous of those people.

I guess it could be the whole fitting in with people thing that I'm jealous of. Or not being some crazy workaholic who never has anything people find interesting to talk about. I mean, let's face it, I don't watch tv, so its not like I'm updated on all the crazy media that flies around. I get excited about finding some really cool  algorithm or methodology. Like, why? Things that are dry to anyone who isn't doing a research paper on is interesting to me. Like, when you get excited because you hear your professor say fast powering algorithm and bit complexity analysis.... maybe I have a problem. Its called the smart or something, but they should probably just call it social anxiety channeled into learning.

I don't know, its frustrating because I want to have both. I want to help people, I want to be considered one of those 'smart' people so that I can get a good reputation, get a good job, make something of myself (whatever that means), and be financially stable. But I also want to have a social life, enjoy the little things, and not need a 40 hour work week to keep me from becoming bored and lonely.

I don't understand why I should feel lonely. I have a beautiful girlfriend who supports me and makes me feel content and happy. At the same time, this is the first year I haven't had a roommate, and I'm one of few seniors living on campus so I feel like some sort of lame old man. Especially when I see people doing things that I would have considered fun a couple years ago, and think to myself that they're so young or immature or whatever fits the situation. I guess those contemplative attacks are just there to make me feel old or something, old like a crotchety old man.

I don't get why I'm so dumb sometimes, why can't I just be normal

I feel old

I don't know why but when I walked home from a friends house tonight I felt really old. I was just walking along, occasionally checking out the people I was seeing, and they all seemed to be really young. Faces, expressions, attitudes, and just everything. Maybe its just because they're so many freshmen wandering about during the first week of school, but it just seemed like everywhere I looked there was someone just... young.

I don't really party anymore, I mean, on occasion I do, but for the most part when someone asks me about my Friday night my response involves work or something that I worked on. I guess I've always kinda been like that, but more so now-a-days. I feel like if I don't work on something and be 'productive' that I'm almost wasting my time. This doesn't apply to all situations, I mean, if I hang out with my girlfriend then I'm not wasting time by any stretch of the phrase. But if I'm at school, it just seems like everything besides my work is a distraction. Eating, sleeping, and sometimes just dealing with day to day social communication with the strangers I have to help because of my positions in certain organizations. Its all just a distraction from that one project I want to work on.

I guess I'm some kind of work-a-holic or something, but if I'm not bettering myself or learning something, then why am I at school? I guess that's sorta my attitude to it all. Maybe that's why I feel like so many other people are young when I look at them. They're out and about having a great time just being stupid, well not stupid, but spending their time partying and trying to find their next bit of adrenaline. Eventually the feelings going to run out for those people and they're going to need to find something that actually fulfills them more than for just a single night. I don't know, maybe I'm just an old man who should have stopped living on campus.

Saying Goodbye to Summer

I love Summer. Summer is such a great time. Until the end, when Summer ends, leaves start falling and the winds pick up, soon enough there's cold everywhere and there's nothing you can do about it. School starts up again, and summer flings end, couples who go to school together see each other again in glorious reunion, couples who go to different schools have to say their goodbyes.

I'm the latter. I've never had to really say goodbye to someone I care about so much before. The only other time I had a girlfriend who I had to say bye to was college freshmen year --and I was an asshole and didn't really care. So, this is the first time I've really had to do that. To sum it up inadequately, its hard.

To sum it up properly, which can't be done, here is my attempt. Imagine feeling content, satisfied, happy, and  comforted. Now imagine someone telling you you weren't going to feel those quite the same way for a little while, and then proceed to take each one of those away slowly, that's sorta what its like. Its not like I'm going to be devoid of happiness, feel unsatisfied, sad, or discontent. I can find happiness in my friends, I can find satisfaction in my work, I might even feel content every now and then after a long day of productivity and settling for a good sleep.  Feeling comforted though, that ones hard to get back. And each of the other feelings I listed off, while they can be partially fulfilled by others, no one quite fills it like your significant other.

There's a reason they're called your significant other. Simply put, their opinions matter to you, you take them into consideration when you make decisions about the most minute detail. The words you choose to say to them affects them moreso than anyone else. When you or someone else matters to the other person, its an indescribable comfort. When just being with someone makes you happy and content, what more could you want? Feeling unsatisfied? A significamt other is almost always ready for a compliment to make you feel good, and its one that they mean.


I need sleep

Decisions we make

Its funny to see how people in different walks of life behave from others. Currently, I am sitting on a couch at a friends house. We had a little get together last night and had a few drinks, smoked some hookah, and watched some awful movies. Despite having this in common, our morning behavior is very different.

One friend began to check his Facebook, the other two hopped onto Reddit. I began to continue my work for my internship that I had begun last night. It struck me after an hour or so that I had just spent the last hour earning money, while my three friends had accomplished nothing more than a few laughs. I wonder which is better? I mean, you need some laughter in your life, and having a good time is important to keep up good health and just be happy. But working gives you a sense of fulfillment that I don't can be matched in the same way by happiness. I'm not saying ones better than the other, just that they give different senses of accomplishment.

My friend who I got a job recently is sitting with his facebook page open, leaning back and he vaguely resembles Steven Hawkings. We do different things for the same person, so we make a different amount of money. He gathers images for products and sends them over, I create XML documents linking videos to products. I get paid a small amount per item, and he gets paid a tenth of what I get paid. He's been complaining recently and not been getting much work done. His main issues are that his computer is slow (this being because his hard drive is literally almost filled and his computer is a few years older) and his internet connection is shaky at best. So he's been complaining, but in all honestly, they're excuses. Maybe its just my work mindset in this, but its extremely easy work. Boring yes, easy to go do something else yes, easy to not do work. But if it was me in his shoes, I would see this as the opportunity it is. He can work from home, he can work at his own pace, he can do it when he's bored. There's no real demand so long as he delivers something, and it looks good on a resume if he uses the right wording (as all things can).

It frustrates me to see my friends stagnate and get caught up in the internet-do-nothing-club. Especially when they could be bettering themselves. I think that's one of the key points in losing friends by going to college. When you broaden your own horizons so to speak, you want your friends to as well. And when they can't or aren't willing to, then distance occurs between the friends. I feel like there's a bit more distance in my relationships with people from my hometown, probably because of this. False promises of, oh I'll go to school next year. Excuses of, I just can't do it right now. Aimlessness of not having a clear direction in life. So many things that keep people from being better. Its sad.

I just wish that all my friends could live their lives to the fullest, kinda lame sounding I guess, but I do really wish that.

End of Summer -one more week

Hard to believe that summer is almost over. Compared to last summer, this one has been drastically different.  Last summer was spent working on CS projects and constantly attempting to expand my overall experience and reading more and more articles and such. Hanging out with friends constantly, and trying to save money.

This summer, I spent most of my time with my girlfriend, there was hardly a single day we didn't see each other. It' interesting how priorities shift when you find someone you care for deeply. That being said, all was not lost for CS projects, I worked on a website with a friend and its in the late stages of being able to be deployed. I crafted a small helper program to assist me in an internship I got this summer. I worked hard (mostly) and was rewarded with one of the most profitable summers I've ever had. That being said, my accounts are low right now compared to previous summers, but I did technically make more money this summer than the last two.

Last night I hung out with some friends and smoked a new tobacco that they had in their hookah. It was really good stuff, expensive at 12.50 for a tin, but smoked long and didn't become gross after a while like many other tobaccos. We played with a motorcycle helmet, lovingly called the smoking helmet and did what was called 'ghosting' and pretty soon we were all extremely light headed and being rather silly. It was a nice relaxing time though. Fell asleep on the couch to dragons fighting humans in reign of fire, and woke up (unfortunately) to Rat Bastards. I left at that point, before the man known as Skeeter lit the marsh on fire.

Today I have the options of frisbee or basketball, both give a good workout, I'm not sure which one I should do. I also introduced my friends to Rock-Paper-Scissors-Pushup last night, which was a fun time. I want to start working out and being healthier. This summer, I didn't buy myself lunch for work and most of the time had popcorn for lunch. So I didn't really get to much health into my system, and I didn't get to go running like I did last summer. I miss feeling like I'm bettering my body in some way, so I think I'll start working out again soon. At least doing push-ups and sit-ups.

I've grown closer to some of my friends this summer as well, probably because I didn't get a chance to hang out with as many people this summer, I ended up hanging out with one main group and occasionally seeing other people. Out of this main group, one of the people I just considered a good friend, became a really great friend. Good talks lasting into the middle of the night help strengthen a friendship thats for sure.

Exciting news in my life, I have an internship! Well, I was doing an internship with a sub contractor of buy.com, but that was from home and was on my own time. So it didn't really feel like a job so much as a nice way to pass the time every now and then and get paid for it. BUT. My former roommate recommended me to his supervisors as a replacement when he leaves his summer internship, and I interviewed and a week later I got a call back. Hired! I'm so excited that I'm going to have an awesome paying internship that is going to help build up my resume even more!

There are so many things  I want to do this semester, running two organizations, an internship, and a full time schedule are going to be hard. But I think it will be the best semester yet!

Off day

Pretty much sums it up. Maybe its the lack of sleep today, but today was just not a good day for me. I was so out of character! Normally I'm quite happy, cheerful, optimistic, and ready for adventure. Today I didn't want to be at work at all, wanted to sleep most of the time, or at least lie down, watch shows, and maybe just cuddle a little bit. I don't know,  I was having an off day I guess. I felt like I was irritable/irritating today. I don't know whats bothering me or what's wormed its way underneath my skin but I hope I figure it out soon so I can go back to being happy.

Apartments

One of my friends now is on his own (technically living with Girlfriend and two other roommates) now that his Mother has moved down south. His place has been very messy the last few days, and still is --although its getting better. I feel like he's moving onto the first stage of being a full fledged adult. Living by yourself without your parents safety net Another of my friends had a taste of living by himself because his parents were gone for a few days and he has the apartment all to himself.

The thing I found most interesting was going between them and seeing the quality of apartment and figuring out what I liked and didn't like about each place. One place was bright, well lit, brightly coloured walls and ample floor space. The other doesn't have enough light, the walls are brown, and the massive clutter and cramped feel about the space is crushing when you're there for too long.


I think that going between them has shown me what I really like about apartments and probably how I would prefer an apartment to be like should I live in one. I like brighter walls, it brings my mood up instead of down. A good amount of ligthing really helps keep the cheerful energies flowing, although being able to switch to a more subdued feel would probably be nice for some occasions. Floor space is a must for me. I don't think I can stand a large amount of cluttered close objects to each other, it drives me nuts not being able to step more than a few feet in a single direction without running into something. The long corridor of a trailer makes me feel cramped and confined, while simple square or rectangular rooms feel larger and nice. A nice coffee table really does tie things in nicely as long as their space to move around it.

Only one more month of summer

Well, there's only one more month of summer left. Then I'm back to school. Away from my job that i occasionally despise.  Away from the friends who I can talk to and say anything to and they'll share their thoughts and feelings on it. Away from my parent. Away from fast food and restaurants that drain my wallet when I go near them. And worst of all, away from my girlfriend.

With only one more month of summer, maybe I should hurry up and try to do some things that I was supposed to finish up. I should: finish reading the networking book I've borrowed from my good friend Sean, so that I'm prepared for the class without being beaten down too hard.  I should hang out with all the friends who I've been meaning to see, but never seem to have time to. I should try to do nothing for a day -- seriously hard for me to . I should try to finish up a bucket list I have with my girlfriend of things we wanted to do together this summer.

Going back won't be all bad though. I look forward to learning and seeing my other friends. I'm a nerd, so all  the interesting academic activities that occur around me at school excite me. I'm going to have a single this year. So for the first time ever I'm going to actually have my own place, with no one else to worry about and only myself to take care of. Technically I'll have a suite mate, but my own room and a small shared space for the entrance to our room will be fine. So I guess it will be more like living in my own place with a roommate. Anyway.

I tend to write when I've been thinking for too long about things that bother me. Or I write while the things are bothering me. The problem is that when something bothers me, and there is literally nothing I can do about it, that just frustrates me more. I guess its feeling like I'm powerless that bothers me the most. I don't really care about being in control of situations, I'm not that kinda guy who is bothered by other people asserting themselves (unless they're obviously not qualified and then I prefer to shut them down or let them know in some way that someone else should leave). Being in control of a situation is a nice feeling I suppose, I like being responsible and actually fulfilling my duties as the responsible person.  To me, feeling like an adult is a privilege I get sometimes, and when I'm not doing 'adult' things, I behave as my normal fun loving self.

I don't think as you get older you need to become bitter and angry or stop being able to be silly. I think that over time, you run into a lot of situations and that can make you more bitter or a little more seasoned. All my friends told me that I had become bitter after my first year of college, a little bit more secure with who I was and what my morals were, and because of that my judgement on other people had become well defined. In high school I was so nice. Everyone was my friend unless they proved otherwise, I was a social butterfly and happy to flit from place to place. After the first year at college I came back and after being exposed to a higher level of education and (in my opinion) living. I looked at some of my friends and realized they were wasting there time, doing things that I thought weren't worthwhile, or just straight up stupid. The choices that I saw some people make upset me because I like to think about the future, and their choices (in my opinion) were going to drive them right into the ground. It made me upset that so many of my friends might become what people consider white trash. I myself, when talking about a specific friend who I think did something very very stupid, said that they were going to become white trash.

I'm not proud of it. Insulting your friends in that way isn't something that I'd ever thought I'd do. I bet if I went back a year, I'd hardly be able to hold a conversation with myself, I've changed a lot in the last year. If I went back 2 years, I'd probably end up lecturing myself. 3 years and I would have slapped myself for doing some things. 4 years, I'd have tried to educate and warn myself. 5 years and I would have probably just hugged myself and told the younger me that life wasn't really that bad and that eventually the pain that he felt would heal -- albeit it took a long time, and some things still sting, but it would heal and he would move on. That angry angry kid 6 years ago who was always happy on the outside, I would try to help him.

The current me, and the me from high school are so drastically different that I don't know if we'd recognize each other. Physically we're different, mentally we're so different in our level of maturity that we probably wouldn't get along. This makes me stop and wonder: how? How did I become this way? Of course I instantly know the answer and memories leap to the forefront of my thoughts. The past shapes who we are, and it effects what we do now and how we feel when skeletons come out of our closets. But the present us is the one who decides how to deal with those ghosts. The present us has a choice of acknowledging something that has happened, seeing it as a growing experience and embracing it, or in focusing on only the bad and becoming fixated. Its weird to think about that the present us, the you of the now is probably going to be the one you look back on in a few years and think: "what the hell was that kid thinking". But, everything happens, and we deal with it how we will. Even thought I feel somewhat mature sometimes, and my friends tell me that my thoughts and actions are one of someone who has matured, I think that I still have some ways to go.

The Empty Room

My brothers roommate moved out today. Or maybe it was yesterday? He doesn't know, because he's been out partying. He partied so hard, that he had my parents get him and he slept here at the house and my mother didn't even bother him to go to church in the morning because she felt he was too tired.

It was really bizarre walking into my brothers apartment. The couch was gone, the tv, the second bedroom was empty, the table was missing. Everything that was his roommates was mostly gone. It was kinda sad. They've been friends since middle or high school, I don't know. But its weird to see them separated because of a silly fight. I mean, my brother did do something kinda scummy, but its not that surprising all things considering. I don't think its really a reason to move out. I don't know, so bizarre.

Really though, the image of the empty room is kinda stuck in my head. It makes me feel like my brothers bad habits might get worse, especially since he's going to be leaving for a work thing for a few months, that basically means he'll be out with his work friends everyday, drinking and going to strip clubs and everything. It frustrates me sometimes.

My brother is a strong person. He used to be a romantic, for people who know my brother, I bet they wouldn't even guess. Writing the girl's name who he was pining after on everything, it was almost sickeningly sweet. He'd keep a journal and write about them, in the way that only romantic people can. And then, I guess he was just disappointed too many times, heartbroken a few too many times too deep. He became colder and more detached. Where he used to give his trust to anyone and respect people, he switched to the opposite side of the coin and would only give such a thing if they had earned it... and earning it was a difficult feat in itself. Maybe part of the problem is that the women he's attracted to at first are the pretty ones that don't have much... depth to them. And later on in the relationship he gets bored and wants something more than just a pretty face.

I just hope that losing a close friend won't hurt him too much in the end and that maybe they'll make up.

Walking and writing

Sometimes you need to write.

For some people, its hard to express yourself with words, especially face to face. You have a storm of emotions churning inside of you and trying to escape but somehow nothing will come out. You're burning inside but somehow so numb. That moment when you know you've upset someone you care about. I don't even know to describe it. Its like a getting hit in the face by a wall. You can almost hear the inaudible tick of the gears in their brain spinning and suddenly grinding to a halt. And all of a sudden, all the trust you've gained is thrown out the window.

Why? Why do things from the past fuck up things in the present? Every time. If it's not the emotions leftover from someone before, its something you forgot to delete or just something. There's no excuse for it. Why can't I be the boyfriend I want to be? Why can't I ever be good enough?

------------------------------------------------------

Just got home from a walk with a friend. He helped calm me down a little, he's a very logical person and has a good way of filling the air with banter. Which is really what you need when you want to mill something over --outside oppinions. He helped me see that maybe I was overthinking everything, its not something I should be getting upset over. Telling me that a reasonable person would understand the situation and maybe need a little space to get over the initial shock, but then would be fine with it. It was nice. I don't know how much I agree with his viewpoints, but going for a good hour and a half walk with him really did help. Not to mention the orange juice.

When I'm upset I walk. When I'm bored I walk. When I'm mad I walk. When I'm sad I walk. No matter what I'm doing, walking is always something that I love to do and it helps me. I feel like its similar to running for my high school friend Jackie. Who would run and that would help her feel good and think things out. Maybe its because running helps give the brain that little distraction so that it doesn't over think things or get stuck in a rut. Walking helps me do the same I think.

----------------------------------------------------------

What a nice day

Today was so nice! For the most part.

I was really productive, calling a customer service line for a loan and getting some help. Working on my internship work for a company. Fixing and brainstorming about a website with a friend. A nice afternoon with friends and significant other. And then a nice night of programming and talking to someone I had never talked  to before. I've been friends with her on facebook because we knew a lot of the same people and I had met her once, but turns out shes going to the same school as me this upcoming semester, so that was exciting, I gave her advice and she seemed pretty happy with that. Its nice to help people.

Also, http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Were-Addicted-To-Facebook---The-Love-Hormone&id=6817295  is a good little tidbit of knowledge. The brief article discusses (with science!) why half the world are all so damn addicted to checking our facebook every five seconds. Its nice. Oddly enough, I think I like to wait. I normally check my facebook, 3 or so times a day, and so most of the time I have a good number of notifications. I wonder if seeing 18 notifications or so everytime you're on releases more oxytocin than a single notification. That would be an interesting study wouldn't ya think?

I was so happy to program today. I made a simple program to help myself do some really trivial work a little faster. I love applying what I learn, it gets me that happy satisfied feeling inside.

too soon?

I don't understand myself anymore.

I guess I've been in retrospective mode for a bit now. I wanted to say those words today, and I tried to. I've wanted to say them for months now, but I would get tongue tied and couldn't talk, it was like a clamp on my stomach and throat, stopping me from talking at all until I had decided not to spew my guts out. I think this is the first time. I've wanted to say it for so long, I guess I'm afraid to, fear of rejection always pops up in my brain, severely this time it seems. I guess the little bit of encouragement from friends recently, and the suggestion of a coworker sorta helped push me along a bit more. I guess it was enough to get me one word in before being stopped.

I probably picked an awful time for it. I can't help but wonder if I came off as scum because of the timing of it with the conversation topic at the time. I can't pick a time to say it though, it just doesn't work like that. You say it when you feel you should. I guess I'm just fucked up.

Speaking of fucked up, how about that past. I went and talked to my friend today about stuff, and was trying to make sense of how I got to where I am emotionally. I guess everything always starts with your first. Its the catalyst that sets off your emotional development. As life goes, your first will never be your last. My first girlfriend destroyed me. When she broke up with me, I felt like my life was completely over. Everything that had held me up, every ounce of confidence, the faith I had for love and all the naive thoughts of a teenager. Dust in the wind. I was a hollow man for at least a month. My friends helped me through I guess, but when I wasn't with them, I was thinking about her. How had something like that happened, how had I let it happen, why did it happen? What did I do wrong. Why was I so stupid? Every thought crushed me down, I needed someone, or something to lift me up.

I guess, two years later, my next girlfriend did for a while. She was so sweet. Giving me all she could, only wanting for my happiness, and what did I do. The cycle. For anyone who doesn't know, the cycle is how a girl breaks a boys heart, and he goes out and breaks a girls heart, who then breaks a boys heart, ad infinitum. At first we were wonderful together, but all the sweetness, it was too much for me. When I had been so used to everything but after being alone for so long. I wasn't ready to jump back into dating I suppose. Unfortunately I did. And I broke up with her so cruelly. I'd like to say I live my life without regrets but that's a lie. I regret being so cruel, sometimes late at night, I still wonder why I did it.

After that, it wasn't long before i was looking for something else. I had had a bitch (not kind, but to be honest thats what she was), I had had the sweetheart, neither had been what I wanted. A very brief makeout session with a friend had lulled me into a bit of a hopeful mood. I felt ready again, and wanted more to happen. But it didn't. And we became really good friends -- after I had delt with her telling me that she had been holding out for another boy. A boy who later broke her heart. Meanwhile, I picked up his pieces and talked to her when she was down and needed advice, trying to be a good friend. When she had told me that she had been waiting for the boy, I had been a little angry, I didn't want to be someones second choice, only their first and how dare she lead me on like that. But I came to my senses and realized I was being foolish, and that a friendship with her was all that I had really wanted from her.

After two bad break ups and a fling I wasn't the worlds best dater I suppose. And didn't try to 'pick up' women or flirt or date at all. I focused on other things. That is, until my friend mentioned that one of her friends was looking for a fuck buddy. Why not? I didn't have time for a relationship, and didn't really feel like I was emotionally secure to do so either, but just a physical relationship? That didn't sound like it would hurt me in the long run. No emotional attachment guaranteed me that I wouldn't be hurt like I had been before. And I guess that turned out to be true. Unfortunately, after being with her in that way for a bit, it escalated and pretty soon it felt as if we were dating. We'd plan things to do together besides just sex. If you're just in it for sex, then you would never do anything but that. No commitment required was the prerequisite. I failed.

Its in my nature to become committed I've realized. Ever since I held a crush from 2nd grade to 7th grade and then 8th grade to 10th. Flaky relationships aren't my thing. Short bright burning relationships, no thank you. I wanted the long haul. So how did I justify my fuck buddy relationship? I suppose I couldn't and maybe that's why it turned out the way it did. One week plans on actually dating, then the next week with everything in smoke. It was for the best. She was smarter than I was in that regard, and knew what would happen if we dated. I'd be hers completely, but if she ever needed something, and I wasn't around ot satisfy that need, she'd get it somewhere else. She was a good friend. And because of those reasons broke it off for friendship only. I'm happy we did.

During that summer when the balls were in the air about dating. I had my one and only one night stand. What can I say about it? It was foolish. Unexpected? Accidental? I didn't mean to do it? Doesn't change what happened. Its when that cliched line of "one thing led to the other and..." comes into reality and you realize how appropriate that line is sometimes. Sometimes you really don't realize whats going to happen and you can't help yourself. Your head tells you one thing, and you finally get the nerve to tell your logic to go screw itself, its got you nothing yet. I suppose that's what I did. Maybe I did it because I found out my fuck buddy from school had had sex already that summer with someone else, and I wanted to seem as uncommitted as they were. I don't know, there could be hundreds of reasons I suppose, but I can't bullshit myself. When I look back on this blog and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I was writing it, I don't want to read a lie, I want my truth. And the truth is, I just wanted to be different for one night I suppose. To not be myself. I was a boy who believed in that naive kind of love, who wanted it so bad that he rejected the short flings in middle/high school for an unrequited love. Staying true to those guns, I tried to be committed in all things I did, and in who I was with. I've never had a short relationship, always on the order of months or year in one case. I got hurt doing things that way, and I guess for one night I wanted to be the other guy, the one who didn't care, who wasn't a sensitive and emotional boy.  fuck it, I don't even know. I just didn't want to be me any more at that point. I wouldn't be surprised if other people get tired of being themselves sometimes.

After all that ended, the school year swung in full force. And with nothing but anger and lonelyness at being hurt and rejected and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be anyones anything, I worked. I dedicated myself to my studies, I was so pleased. Learning became a thirst I couldn't not satisfy. That year was different, the studies took on a new life, and my field opened before my eyes and I felt matured. After a semester of intense graduate level courses mixed with some of the hardest classes I've ever taken. I was so confident and fulfilled.

Every bit of the confidence I had lost from my first had come back to me it seemed. My work ethic was secure. My esteem and direction of self worth was directly influenced by the work I did and how much I learned. To think was to be at that point. Everything I did was right. I relied on myself completely, I could teach others, I could show, but always, I knew what to do and was ready for anything. Or at least thats how I felt. I guess I didn't realize the piece I was still missing.

I was secure scholastically. I had the respect of my peers. I had the admiration and thanks of those who I had helped. My professors saw me as a matured and prosperous student with a good head on his shoulders.  So what was I missing? Obviously. Someone to share it with. At night I would still wonder about those girls from before, wondering: why. Why did X happen, what could I have done better, what can I change about myself to become a better person, more ready to be with someone.

I was surprised when a coworker expressed interest in me. I guess I was too selfish and inwardly focused to realize what was going on. I was so clueless I suggested Dinner and a Movie and still somehow was convinced that there was going to be more than just me and her. I don't know what my brain was doing, I have a terrible memory for so many things. After the first time hanging out with her though, the surprise was gone, the inward focus was redirected. I wanted to hang out with her again. And so, we did. I made a move. I'm so happy I did.

Since one night just looking at her, I felt that feeling inside. One I hadn't felt since my first. That feeling of complete and total contentment. The feeling where the world could literally be on fire, and I wouldn't give a damn because as long as I have you, nothing else matters. I wanted to say it so bad. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. So I just held you closer. Nothing else mattered in the world at that instant. A little later, it happened again. Once again, the feeling bubbled up from my gut and tried to burst. Again I couldn't do it. There was something blocking it. I didn't tell anyone. Not for at least a month and a half. I talked about it to my close friends, they weren't surprised, I couldn't figure out why I got tongue tied if I tried to say it. What was holding me back? A friend posed the right question. Are you afraid she won't say it back? I realized that maybe that was it. And furthermore, things were good now, so why rock the boat with such a heavy phrase and emotion?

So I let it sit in my mind. And its grown heavier and heavier. Each day became another day of holding my tongue in check out of fear, and each day I'd sit and think to myself. Why. What have I got to lose. My fear of rejection was rearing its head horribly. Stopping me. I needed encouragement, or just someone to tell me that it'd work out alright. I talked to my friends girlfriend a little, she asked how long we'd been together, and stated that even if she didn't say it back, that she would, that I was an awesome guy and asking how couldn't you feel the same? I guess that was nice, but it still didn't push me over. I suppose today, encouragement from a coworker popped me far enough to get the 1st word and the idea across to her.

I don't know how she took it. I don't know if I sounded real to her. Does she think I just said it because what we were talking about before hand? If so, how do I make her understand the last 2 months I've been like this? Why that time to try it? Was I stupid? Should I have done something else instead, held my tongue? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Will she read this all the way to the end? I don't know. Will anything I'm trying to say make sense? Who knows. Will my sentiment be obvious enough. Is it even ok to post this entry? Shes one of two followers to my blog. This isn't anything I wouldn't tell her. But somehow those 3 words are just so much easier  typing than saying them.

Sensitivity

Its weird how some people can be so normal sometimes, and then something small just pushes them over the edge of intelligent and switches them to stupid.

A bunch of friends had a Barbecue today, we were all having a good time, but then a few cheddar-wursts fell on the ground, so my friend (lets call him A) said that someone shoudl wash them off and then wandered into the house without taking the dogs with him. So we all decided that his girlfriend should go ahead and take the weenies and slap him in the face with one to be a little silly. My other friend (B) went to go film it on his phone for whatever reason, posterity I suppose, whatever. Anyway, A did not take it well at all. Stormed out, pushed his girlfriend out of the way and semi broke the door when he slammed it on his way to go walk off. I say semi broken because my other friend just popped the plastic back into place and it was fine.

Anyway, so after a little while I went ahead and txted A trying to figure out why he was so pissed. A weenie to the face shouldn't piss someone off that much that they storm off, especially if we were all having a really good time all hanging out before hand. He was not forthcoming with any anwsers besides things involving the weenie slapping. I don't know, he went home to cool off after being a bit assholish in his responses to my texts, aka, a lot of fuck offs, but I don't mind. He's upset he'll say things because hes hurt. I don't understand why he's hurt because honestly it was a small joke that should have just been a little bit of a laugh then a "you guys are dicks" and then we all get on with our life, instead he ruined some of the good spirits at the party for a while.

Weenie hut jrs.

Why am I awake?

I don't know why I wake up in the middle of the night. You'd think that with all the running around I do between work, friends, and an amazing girlfriend that I'd be more tired. Yet somehow I seem to have trouble sleeping lately. I get to bed alright, but almost always I wake up at some ridiculous of the morning and am stuck awake thinking for at least an hour.

Not about anything in particular, just life in general and random ideas that pop into my head. Life is just an odd thing really, and I was being driven somewhere the other day and was staring at the trees going by when I funny thought occurred to me. There is so much life on Earth. I imagine that a lot of the time we only ever think of ourselves and maybe a few animals as being alive, and besides that we don't really bother. But, flora as well as fauna are living. The sheer amount of life on Earth is completely insane -- and thinking that only planets in a Goldilocks zone can even possibly support it is crazy too. Maybe the reason there are so many dead planets out there is that there has to be some type of balance between life and death. A doubtful thing I suppose since if you'd like to stick to your scientific guns you'd have to come up with a complex theory to justify it --as oppose to saying God did it.

Still, sometimes I'm struck at how beautiful the world we live in is. Maybe its all the be green mentality shoveled and forced by my university, but it really is important to try to keep the damn planet alive and happy. Otherwise, whose going to be around to do anything?


Another unrelated thought (related by synapse I suppose or I wouldn't have thought of it), I think it's odd that  so many people look for a meaning in life. Why can't you just live to live? Nothing wrong with that. Some people have to justify themselves with religion, some people justify their good deeds as their purpose, other people just want success and fame. From a Darwin point of view, the whole point of living is to make some babies and further the species. I wonder if Darwin would have realized that that would give space exploration its singular goal of spreading the human species to other planets? Although, in the same way as Darwins birds on islands, I wonder would each planet evolve its own genre of human? How interesting that would be! Space exploration would result in such interesting issues and excitement. For example, I highly doubt that no interplanetary war would break out between opposing political factions between planets. Assuming that each planet would have a dominant political standpoint in galaxy-wide issues. I wonder if there would be a president of planets haha.

Unrelated. Current music choice I don't know why, I recently started enjoying listening to soundtracks to anime's I've watched. I've noticed that almost always, Yuki Kajiura is the composer of the music that I really like. She does a lot of things with choirs and mixing genres together. All her music sounds good on acoustic guitar as well so maybe thats why I like it -- because I can find tabs or sheet music and play along. Its nice. The link I just included sounds awesome on flute as well.  

Some useless rambling about chemicals and emotions

Warning. This is a bunch of rambling.

I don't understand it. I was thinking about it today and I can't fathom it. How is it that what starts out as piqued interest slowly grows into full on relationship?

If I approach it from a scientific view, (as I am want to do since its in my nature) I can imagine that pheromones have plenty to do with the initial attraction as well as life-context and other aspects of the situation and that repeated episodes of happiness being associated with the same person over time builds up a large amount of literal chemistry in your brain revolving around that person. Its not too difficult to view love as a type of hypnosis that one puts themselves in willingly.

On the other hand, warming up the ideas a little bit and putting cold hard science away for a minute letting the brain think a minute. Emotions -although chemical in nature- are really much more than that. In analogy, the behavior of a single ant is fairly meaningless, but the emergent behavior of a multitude of ants leaving pheromone trails eventually enables an entire colony to live. In the same way, a single chemical catalyst might be the random instant that begins an emotional storm that is far greater than the sum of its parts. One emotion leads to another, and in a exponential way, explodes into feelings and behaviors. 


I feel a little odd thinking about all this, when I write about things I try to detach myself a little and look at it objectively, but when it comes to emotions, how could I possibly disconnect myself? It seems awfully impossible not to be biased in some way. Also, I by no means could hope to explain how everyone else feels. For all I know, the way I experience emotions is completely different from everyone else! Who knows, I certainly don't. 


I suppose I'm hung up a little on thinking about how things begin small and grow because of a conversation I had earlier today. And I guess the fascination with how things begin is present in everyone. For example, the Big Bang, or whatever your favorite theory of creation is, is an interesting idea because it seems unfathomable to think about before it happened, there has to be a beginning there can not simply be. Or at least, I suppose that's probably popular opinion. I like to think about how I began. Not sex, or as semen or anything like that, thats just stupid to think that you're a person at that point. Personally, I don't see much of a person in a baby either -- no I like to think about when I first starting thinking and actually being aware of myself. And once I think about that 'beginning' I try to think about what it must have been like that before it. I mean, I can't understand it, its the same as trying to think about being two places at once I suppose, it simply doesn't work. Same with the concept of zero or nothing -- how can there be literally nothing? There has to be something there, the absence of something is bizarre. Perhaps just because to myself, as a human, I can't imagine not being, because it goes against my nature.


ANYWAY. Before I run off on another tangent about how absences don't make sense to me.  I suppose I'll return to my point. Why are we so obsessed with the beginnings of things sometimes? Or the end of things for that matter (ala December 12th 2012 is coming, did you bring your coat?), why can't we just enjoy the now? 


I like thinking about things and reflecting on stuff, after all we need to learn from our past mistakes and therefore should reflect on them sometimes. I also tend to think about the possible futures as well, coming up with scenarios before they happen and how to deal with them in advance, or at least get a better come back then 'your mom' to a good insult. Heh. But really, I wish I could focus more on the now more. If I didn't contemplate how my actions were going to pan out a lot of the time, maybe I could just say what I want to say and not worry about the repercussions instead of weighing what I say before I say it, or try to come up with the right words before I open my mouth. I'm not saying that its a bad thing, but just maybe I would say the right thing right away when its needed instead of just sitting and thinking for a while.


We are the culmination of our past experiences. But that doesn't mean they have to define who we will be. We decide that ourselves.


 HA! I just remember the mantra of my high school, make it a great day or not, the choice is yours. It's a lame little quib from a silly public school education, but in a way its totally true. Or at least for me, a lot of things people have told me that stuck with me have helped me become good at restarting myself. My mother would always tell me goodnight when I was young, and then as she was closing my door, tell me that tomorrow is a new day and that was that. Tomorrow being a new day and having the choice of whether I made it a good one or not really stuck with me. 


You can't always change what you're feeling, but you can do a good job of directing it.  Not trying to sound like my life was hard or pleaing for sympathy, but I've had a lot of shitty relationships, and have been hurt a lot in the past. Unfortunately for me, my over protective mother and my more docile nature resulted in not starting to date til mid-high school. Those early fleeting relationships that are supposed to help you learn how to deal with pain and other peoples emotions were never there for me. I was learning the lessons when the people I knew had already delt with them. I didn't always know if I was just an oddball feeling a certain way, or whether or not I was doing the whole, being in love thing, wrong.

Maybe it was due to the added time I had before I started dating, or the way I've been treated before, but I try to talk about things a lot. Even when things are uncomfortable or other people don't want to talk about them. Its important to me to get it out and talk. In a way, instead of becoming upset or hurt, I just talk. I sorta detach myself from the pain itself and analyze it, trying to figure out why it bothers me so that I can understand. To me, to understand is to accept, and to accept cures the pain. I don't know how I became like this in all honesty. I remember back to my first love, It was unrequited, and it lasted from 2nd grade until 8th grade, when I finally crushed on someone else. Maybe I'm just a strange child having such devotion to one person for so long. I don't know! A couple years after that when I had my first relationship, I remember how easily I would get hurt by failure, failure still upsets me, but I don't cry over it anymore -maybe I'm just growing up slowly.  Maybe I'm just fucked up beyond repair.

Along those lines, isn't there an expression about how your first love breaks your heart. And you spend the rest of your life trying to find someone to fix it. Maybe it isn't about fixing yourself, but 'fixing' someone else's heart and finding the right person who wants to 'fix' you as well. I dunno.

I feel like I've branched way off from my original topic/line of thought. That is, the subject of how interesting it is how even the biggest things have small beginnings. When someone looks at microsoft and bill gates, I bet they don't see the boy arrested for speeding, they see a billionaire intellect. Makes me wonder if I might get to the point where people look at me and wonder --how did he become like that. I think it might be nice to talk to someone about that sometime. Just have a conversation about how we become who we are.

I think that having someone else completely know you is next to impossible, let's face it, for some people, there are just things you can't admit to anyone, and you hardly like admitting them to yourselves. Regrets are a pain. But I guess, eventually you get over everything. Time heals all wounds supposedly. I don't know if thats true, I think we just forget things, and its just hard to forget things that were emotionally traumatizing because we still think about them regularly. Anywho, I think its important to open up to people though. And talk even when you're upset. Help others help you I suppose is the way I look at it.

Wow I'm still way off topic. It just too easy to get started on other topics when I haven't written in so long.

The White Stripes had a song called: You don't know what love is, you just do as you're told. And sometimes I think about that, and wonder if I know what love is. I like making other people happy, it makes me happy to make others happy. But listening is important too, and if someone asks you to do something, and its within your ability, shouldn't you do it if you want them to be happy? What if you never receive anything back? Is a selfless love where you don't get anything back better than one in which you do? I don't know.

Self worth is an interesting subject (I'm really not diverging from my original idea trust me). For one of my friends, he had a problem where he started to base his own worth on how his girlfriend treated him and such. After a while he became semi-depressed because of it. He realized in a moment of clarity what he was doing and decided on a break with her so that he could find his own confidence back. I like to think about that sometimes, how its important to not measure yourself by someone elses scale. But by your own. I don't see a problem in having another person who is close to you be a factor in that scale, but personal success should really be one of the larger ones on that scale. An unhappy partner should never tip you over to depression, that's just an unhealthy relationship. I suppose that being said, an extrememly happy partner probably shouldn't fill you up with their happiness either, in case of becoming dependent on their happyness for your own, then thats unhealthy too. There must be a balance of some kind between the two. And I really don't know where it is.


Oh good lord I'm so scatter-brained today and have written so much.  What I meant to talk about was the difference between chemical and emotional love/lust. In conclusions though, my final thoughts on the matter are:

There should be balance between physical and emotional attraction. | One cannot dominate the other. I feel like at the beginning of a relationship, physical attraction takes precedence. Because lets face it, we're all shallow assholes. You don't start talking to some girl at the bar because you like her personality... and even if you've known someone for a long time, chances are once you're given the opportunity, you're going to want to explore the other persons body. Over time, you get to know each other better and build up an emotional attraction. In some of my experiences, this has caused the physical attraction to wane a little bit. And that always makes me sad. I suppose I'm a physical person because I really enjoy showing my affection through contact and such, (then again I like talking and getting to know someone too but whatever), when you start not spending as much time being together physically and start only being emotionally connected, I think its a good idea to get physical again. Alternate and find a good balance between the two so that everyone can be happy. 


I guess life is all about balance. Balanced diets lead to longer lives. Balanced exercise routines lead to better bodies and less problems. Balanced workstyles lead to less stress and more job fulfilllment. Balanced friendships lead to a good mix of company. A balanced life is a happy life I guess.