Warning. This is a bunch of rambling.
I don't understand it. I was thinking about it today and I can't fathom it. How is it that what starts out as piqued interest slowly grows into full on relationship?
If I approach it from a scientific view, (as I am want to do since its in my nature) I can imagine that pheromones have plenty to do with the initial attraction as well as life-context and other aspects of the situation and that repeated episodes of happiness being associated with the same person over time builds up a large amount of literal chemistry in your brain revolving around that person. Its not too difficult to view love as a type of hypnosis that one puts themselves in willingly.
On the other hand, warming up the ideas a little bit and putting cold hard science away for a minute letting the brain think a minute. Emotions -although chemical in nature- are really much more than that. In analogy, the behavior of a single ant is fairly meaningless, but the emergent behavior of a multitude of ants leaving pheromone trails eventually enables an entire colony to live. In the same way, a single chemical catalyst might be the random instant that begins an emotional storm that is far greater than the sum of its parts. One emotion leads to another, and in a exponential way, explodes into feelings and behaviors.
I feel a little odd thinking about all this, when I write about things I try to detach myself a little and look at it objectively, but when it comes to emotions, how could I possibly disconnect myself? It seems awfully impossible not to be biased in some way. Also, I by no means could hope to explain how everyone else feels. For all I know, the way I experience emotions is completely different from everyone else! Who knows, I certainly don't.
I suppose I'm hung up a little on thinking about how things begin small and grow because of a conversation I had earlier today. And I guess the fascination with how things begin is present in everyone. For example, the Big Bang, or whatever your favorite theory of creation is, is an interesting idea because it seems unfathomable to think about before it happened, there has to be a beginning there can not simply be. Or at least, I suppose that's probably popular opinion. I like to think about how I began. Not sex, or as semen or anything like that, thats just stupid to think that you're a person at that point. Personally, I don't see much of a person in a baby either -- no I like to think about when I first starting thinking and actually being aware of myself. And once I think about that 'beginning' I try to think about what it must have been like that before it. I mean, I can't understand it, its the same as trying to think about being two places at once I suppose, it simply doesn't work. Same with the concept of zero or nothing -- how can there be literally nothing? There has to be something there, the absence of something is bizarre. Perhaps just because to myself, as a human, I can't imagine not being, because it goes against my nature.
ANYWAY. Before I run off on another tangent about how absences don't make sense to me. I suppose I'll return to my point. Why are we so obsessed with the beginnings of things sometimes? Or the end of things for that matter (ala December 12th 2012 is coming, did you bring your coat?), why can't we just enjoy the now?
I like thinking about things and reflecting on stuff, after all we need to learn from our past mistakes and therefore should reflect on them sometimes. I also tend to think about the possible futures as well, coming up with scenarios before they happen and how to deal with them in advance, or at least get a better come back then 'your mom' to a good insult. Heh. But really, I wish I could focus more on the now more. If I didn't contemplate how my actions were going to pan out a lot of the time, maybe I could just say what I want to say and not worry about the repercussions instead of weighing what I say before I say it, or try to come up with the right words before I open my mouth. I'm not saying that its a bad thing, but just maybe I would say the right thing right away when its needed instead of just sitting and thinking for a while.
We are the culmination of our past experiences. But that doesn't mean they have to define who we will be. We decide that ourselves.
HA! I just remember the mantra of my high school, make it a great day or not, the choice is yours. It's a lame little quib from a silly public school education, but in a way its totally true. Or at least for me, a lot of things people have told me that stuck with me have helped me become good at restarting myself. My mother would always tell me goodnight when I was young, and then as she was closing my door, tell me that tomorrow is a new day and that was that. Tomorrow being a new day and having the choice of whether I made it a good one or not really stuck with me.
You can't always change what you're feeling, but you can do a good job of directing it. Not trying to sound like my life was hard or pleaing for sympathy, but I've had a lot of shitty relationships, and have been hurt a lot in the past. Unfortunately for me, my over protective mother and my more docile nature resulted in not starting to date til mid-high school. Those early fleeting relationships that are supposed to help you learn how to deal with pain and other peoples emotions were never there for me. I was learning the lessons when the people I knew had already delt with them. I didn't always know if I was just an oddball feeling a certain way, or whether or not I was doing the whole, being in love thing, wrong.
Maybe it was due to the added time I had before I started dating, or the way I've been treated before, but I try to talk about things a lot. Even when things are uncomfortable or other people don't want to talk about them. Its important to me to get it out and talk. In a way, instead of becoming upset or hurt, I just talk. I sorta detach myself from the pain itself and analyze it, trying to figure out why it bothers me so that I can understand. To me, to understand is to accept, and to accept cures the pain. I don't know how I became like this in all honesty. I remember back to my first love, It was unrequited, and it lasted from 2nd grade until 8th grade, when I finally crushed on someone else. Maybe I'm just a strange child having such devotion to one person for so long. I don't know! A couple years after that when I had my first relationship, I remember how easily I would get hurt by failure, failure still upsets me, but I don't cry over it anymore -maybe I'm just growing up slowly. Maybe I'm just fucked up beyond repair.
Along those lines, isn't there an expression about how your first love breaks your heart. And you spend the rest of your life trying to find someone to fix it. Maybe it isn't about fixing yourself, but 'fixing' someone else's heart and finding the right person who wants to 'fix' you as well. I dunno.
I feel like I've branched way off from my original topic/line of thought. That is, the subject of how interesting it is how even the biggest things have small beginnings. When someone looks at microsoft and bill gates, I bet they don't see the boy arrested for speeding, they see a billionaire intellect. Makes me wonder if I might get to the point where people look at me and wonder --how did he become like that. I think it might be nice to talk to someone about that sometime. Just have a conversation about how we become who we are.
I think that having someone else completely know you is next to impossible, let's face it, for some people, there are just things you can't admit to anyone, and you hardly like admitting them to yourselves. Regrets are a pain. But I guess, eventually you get over everything. Time heals all wounds supposedly. I don't know if thats true, I think we just forget things, and its just hard to forget things that were emotionally traumatizing because we still think about them regularly. Anywho, I think its important to open up to people though. And talk even when you're upset. Help others help you I suppose is the way I look at it.
Wow I'm still way off topic. It just too easy to get started on other topics when I haven't written in so long.
The White Stripes had a song called: You don't know what love is, you just do as you're told. And sometimes I think about that, and wonder if I know what love is. I like making other people happy, it makes me happy to make others happy. But listening is important too, and if someone asks you to do something, and its within your ability, shouldn't you do it if you want them to be happy? What if you never receive anything back? Is a selfless love where you don't get anything back better than one in which you do? I don't know.
Self worth is an interesting subject (I'm really not diverging from my original idea trust me). For one of my friends, he had a problem where he started to base his own worth on how his girlfriend treated him and such. After a while he became semi-depressed because of it. He realized in a moment of clarity what he was doing and decided on a break with her so that he could find his own confidence back. I like to think about that sometimes, how its important to not measure yourself by someone elses scale. But by your own. I don't see a problem in having another person who is close to you be a factor in that scale, but personal success should really be one of the larger ones on that scale. An unhappy partner should never tip you over to depression, that's just an unhealthy relationship. I suppose that being said, an extrememly happy partner probably shouldn't fill you up with their happiness either, in case of becoming dependent on their happyness for your own, then thats unhealthy too. There must be a balance of some kind between the two. And I really don't know where it is.
Oh good lord I'm so scatter-brained today and have written so much. What I meant to talk about was the difference between chemical and emotional love/lust. In conclusions though, my final thoughts on the matter are:
There should be balance between physical and emotional attraction. | One cannot dominate the other. I feel like at the beginning of a relationship, physical attraction takes precedence. Because lets face it, we're all shallow assholes. You don't start talking to some girl at the bar because you like her personality... and even if you've known someone for a long time, chances are once you're given the opportunity, you're going to want to explore the other persons body. Over time, you get to know each other better and build up an emotional attraction. In some of my experiences, this has caused the physical attraction to wane a little bit. And that always makes me sad. I suppose I'm a physical person because I really enjoy showing my affection through contact and such, (then again I like talking and getting to know someone too but whatever), when you start not spending as much time being together physically and start only being emotionally connected, I think its a good idea to get physical again. Alternate and find a good balance between the two so that everyone can be happy.
I guess life is all about balance. Balanced diets lead to longer lives. Balanced exercise routines lead to better bodies and less problems. Balanced workstyles lead to less stress and more job fulfilllment. Balanced friendships lead to a good mix of company. A balanced life is a happy life I guess.
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