Voicemails

When a doctor calls you and leaves you a voicemail in which he basically tells you that you should come in and sit down and he'll explain the results of something to you when previously he was just going to email them to you, and his tone of voice is very strained and he pauses a lot... in that sort of way that someone who is debating whether or not to tell someone bad neds or not... it really makes me not want to call the clinic and set up and appointment to go in.

Apparently now I come in both Mental mess up flavor and physically fucked too! Such a joyous occasion. I wonder what wonderful ailment I'll have to suffer through next. I guess I'll make the appointment on Monday and then find out what else could possibly be wrong with me

Trying to hold a trainwreck

I'm tired of posting depressing thoughts all the time. But it seems to be a trend in my mind. I swear I'm not trying to be this way, and that I am trying to get better. But I'm just so messed up and I don't have what I need in order to get through it.

I can talk to counselors about my problems. I can see a psychiatrist. I can talk to my friends. I can be assured of their support through messages and texts. But when I actually need someone physically with me everything seems to just fall apart. No one is there. I've posted before about how nice it was to be needed by my friend when she was in trouble. I guess I just wish I had someone like me there for me. Someone who, when seeing that I have an actual issue, will drop what they're doing and come help me.

Of course, the problem is, that I suppose seeing that I have an actual issue is the problem. I'm not one to walk around parading that I'm having trouble with something. I might drop a hint or two, but hell, a hint doesn't work, and no ones going to drop everything just on a hunch. It's not like I ask for assistance with a lot of the crap I do. And the few times I've asked a friend to come down and see me, or talk to me, so far I haven't really experienced the 'come and help' point.

It's not anyone else's job to deal with my problems but mine. But I'm just so sick of struggling and thinking about them every damn day that I just don't want to deal with it anymore. And there is no inbetween the line suicidal message or any bullshit like that in that last sentence. Suicide is for the weak. What I mean when I say that I don't want to deal with it anymore, I just mean that I want the issue resolved. I want it fixed. I want some solution to my problem. But I know the solution isn't going to be coming anytime soon. That dealing with what I'm dealing with takes a long long time. No one knows that better than me, I mean, honestly, I've delt with it my whole life so it's not like 4 years will be too much of a dent in it either.

I just want the physical comfort of someone being there, telling me that it's alright. Having that shoulder to cry on type of deal. But hell, I understand why no one wants to deal with that. No one wants to see people cry. Hell, I don't want to see myself cry. I just want to be held and told it's ok. That it will be fine. Tell me lies if need be. I don't even care.

God I need a personal day soon or I'm gonna be a wreck. While I was walking to work today my mother called me and lectured me about drinking on a Monday night. Basically accusing me of becoming like my brother and being an alcoholic. Uhm. No. Nice try though buddy. I drank last night to celebrate being done with a very difficult and stressful class. I was out with friends and had a lot of fun. I made an ass of myself with drunk texting a bit I think, and I really do need to apologize to someone now. But still. Going to drink with some friends is not an alcoholic thing.

There really is no comfort in talking to family for me. I wish that I could have a great relationship with my family like some people do, but the more I talk to them the more I just feel alone. I have to wonder about that with my friends as well. Because sometimes it just seems like I can't see eye to eye, that I can't get on the same level as them. I just don't understand how to deal with other people anymore and I feel completely distant from reality sometimes. Like I'm just stuck in my head with all these thoughts about all my issues. The worst part about it? That I'm the one who has to deal with the issue. I don't mean that in a pity party sort of way, I just mean that this is something very personal and that even if I talk to a doctor about it or something the person who has to penultimately accept it and handle it is myself.

That's true for any issue really, but some problems you can get some help from friends with. Sadly, not really one of those times. I just wish that I hadn't started actually addressing and dealing with it until I was done with school. But instead I rushed into trying to solve it. Which is totally like me. Always trying to fix things, always trying to solve the problem, refusing to brush things under the rug. Maybe attacking a problem head on isn't always the best way. Maybe it would have been better to just keep running away from the issue. Just let it sit in the corner of the room and ignore it. But nope. Nope, I decided that I should face it. That I should deal with it and get it off my mind. And what do I have to show for it? It's on my mind every second of every damn day and it's like a virus. It just spreads to everything I do and I can't even keep it out my mouth anymore, I hardly censor the oh-so-not-very subtle bits that might refer to it when I talk. I just can't deal with this anymore alone. But somehow telling the few people who I've told about, while it's been a small release, hasn't helped. I haven't gotten the help I want back from them. The responses to far have been positive. Maybe I need a negative response so that I can just get cut open and let out some of these feelings. Maybe that's why I'm finely blogging about it, not letting it sit between the lines of these posts anymore. Actually being out with it and saying that I'm messed up. That I actually want someone to pay attention and to notice me. ... obviously the best place to get that is blogger... not. I don't know. Maybe I just want to bring it up enough here that I'll be asked about it. When I'm asked, I don't foresee myself really wanting to talk about it. And that's the worst part. Certain people, I just want to talk to them about it in person so that they can't run away from me. But talking about it in person is the worst. It's the most terrifying of all the ways to discuss it. Yet for some fucked up reason I feel the need to think that some people deserve being told about it in person. Does that make any damn sense? If I'm so afraid of being hurt, so scared of receiving that negative reaction, then why do I want to tell the people who could hurt me the most in person? That's just fucked up. It's like I want to be hurt.

Hell, maybe that's the truth of the matter. Maybe I just want to be hurt, but I know that I can't hurt myself because I will never do that. So instead maybe I'm just trying to push people into hurting me so that I can actually feel something besides this rending awful feeling of lying to the world and lying to everyone I care about. Maybe that's just part of who I am. It would certainly explain all the worthless feelings I have. It would certainly explain 90% of my choices in relationships. Maybe I just always chose cheaters subconsciously because I wanted to be hurt. But what kind of person does that? Do I feel like I deserve to be hurt or something? What the hell happened to me that made me this way? Why do I have to be this way? I just want to change. I want to "get better". I don't want to be fucked up anymore. I want to be able to live my life the way I should be living it. I want to be free.

Above all else. I just want to be told that I'm loved. And to actually feel like I'm not being lied to. I want to believe people. But how can I when I can't even believe myself? I told this idiotic kid I worked with who started chatting with me about cheaters and trusting people that he had to trust people at some point. You've gotta get past your hedgehog dilemma at some point.  I'm such a hypocrite. How can I tell someone else they need to trust someone when I know that every-time I've trusted someone I've been let down and hurt. Well I guess that's not so true. I suppose so far a few people I've told about my issue have been supportive and nice. But I don't feel like I trust that. I trust them enough to tell them about it without worrying about a negative response. You choose your battles, and when you pick someone to talk to who you know is always supportive of other people and is really kind, then you've rigged 'the battle' in your favor. But I guess I just doubt it. Even if they're supportive on the outside and in words, it's deeds that matter. And when someone reacts poorly in person to it, it means more. You can see more when you're talking to someone face to face. You can't hide a reaction to someone telling you something intensely personal and fundamentally changing in the image of what you see that person as.

Fuck. I can't help but wonder if I'm just feeling messed up like this because it's so close to my first relationships anniversary. I've gotten over the relationship and over her. I'm convinced of that entirely throughout my core and I know it's true. But still. Friday is the day. 4/26. Even since that breakup the number has always popped up. It's like when you don't want to see a number and you subconsciously find it everywhere. You attribute meaning to something as meaningless as a number and there it is. I just always feel upset on that day. Without fail. It's just a reminder of a failure I guess. A damn good failure because, I can be honest about it, that relationship was awful. Yet it set the expectation. The expectation to be hurt by others. To be thrown away and tossed aside by someone you care about.  To be confused and not understand how someone can do that to someone.

Cheating still makes no sense to me and  I don't think I'll ever understand why people do it. There's never a reason for it. Not a good one at least.

Damnit. I thought I was getting to a better place in life. I thought that things were looking up, yet I just keep looking back. Reflecting on the past isn't my issue anymore, I don't do that that much. The future is my main concern now. Where I'm going. What I'm doing. Who I'll be. Who my friends will be. And I have all this stuff to think about, and yet,I'm stuck looping in the present with my thoughts. Always these thoughts on my brain. It's like I'm obsessed with finding a solution. Maybe I am. Maybe that makes me who I am and why I'm good at programming. You can always find a solution in programming. Always. There's always a fix. Maybe that's what I love about it. Is that I have control and the power to fix any problem I've made or someone else has made in the code... With me though, there is no fix it seems. Or maybe I just need someone to come along and show it to me. I need a second set of eyes on my problem to help me figure it out. I need a fixer. I want someone to come and fix me I guess. But how can I ever expect anyone to help me if I can't even tell them I'm broken? I can just wait and hope that someone comes along and falls into my lap with a solution. But that's no way to live. I can actively seek someone out but that doesn't seem to work either.

Maybe that's why I'm always so much happier when I'm in a relationship with someone. Being in a relationship with my work is fine, it keeps me busy. Recently it hasn't kept me as distracted as I wanted though. All the personal and emotional issues seem to just be pushing their way to the fore front of my mind. And I just want them to go away, to be solved, to be dealt with. And if possible, be able to deal with them not alone. It's not that I'm lonely. To be honest, I don't really miss it. I don't mind sleeping alone in a bed or not having someone to kiss or anything like that. I miss cuddling and feeling close to someone and that comfort. But, besides that I'm not terribly lonely. Meh. That probably doesn't make much sense at all. Reading that sentence over again makes me think, hm yeah, that sounds like a lonely person right there. Sigh. I'm just so tired of being emotionally drained constantly. And I'm predicting that this Friday is going to be a low point for me. The damn day is always is. 4/26. I wrote a song about it before. Depressing as all hell. Had a beautiful and haunting guitar part, but it conveyed the feelings I had, and made my singer in my high school band say "this song makes me want to kill myself. Its good, and has a lot of meaning, but damn, that openning riff is just... it hits you in the core man"

And that's where I'm hit everytime with this issue. Right in the core. It's a fundamental and pervasive feeling and I wish that I could just shut it off. That I could be happy with who I am right now and be ok with it. But nope... I rushed in to trying to solve it at the first chance and now it's like I'm out on the ocean surrounded by feelings and contemplations. Out in that Ocean alone. And I really just want a beach ball to draw a face on to keep my company.




God I'm fucked up...

Caring and workaholic

Do you ever wonder about the lies we tell ourselves to stay happy?

I think everyone does it, you tell yourself a little white lie so that you don't have to feel bad about something. Sometimes the lies are a bit bigger though. I think one of the lies I tell myself is the amount that other people care for me is larger than it really is.

Life is busy, everyone's got their own issues to deal with. So I typically don't expect my issues to take precedence over anyone elses. But wouldn't it be nice sometimes? I guess what got me thinking about this is something that isn't really comparable, but sentimentally is.

Yesterday around 5 my friend M called me from the ER. She doesn't like hospitals and I had seen her the day before and she had hit her head. I had told her to go to the hospital and get checked, but she waited. So then there I was in the ER keeping my friend company because she hates hospitals. Turns out, she did have a concussion. I'm happy she called me though. She and I are both workaholics and do too much sometimes and our personal welfare takes a sideline seat to the main event of our lives. Which is work. Oddly enough, her being concussed is the only thing that actually made her stop and try to take care of herself. And ditto on me. I work a lot to stay preoccupied. And plus I don't really have much to do when I'm not working. I think the only time I take care of myself is when I'm in a relationship because I have someone else to live for and think about besides myself.

So yeah, I've been in and out of clinics for the past month dealing with my own issues and it's just stupid how tired of Doctors and counselors I am. I just want to work and not have to deal with any of this emotional personal crap. It's far too draining and distracting from my career.


Also, I've recently started listening to MCR again. Fuck me right?

Happy Cry

I don't think I've ever cried because I was so happy before.
Today's a first :)

Time Management and Doctors

My professors quirky rules for time management:

1. Clean your inbox everything day
2. Keep a hard copy planner AND USE IT
3. Setup cron jobs or gmail calender notifications to plan things out and reminds yourself of important things


That being said. God I need to figure out some more time management. Right now I balance two organizations, 3 jobs, and 4 classes (ha 2,3,4! and that all starts with one of me so 1 2 3 4!)

Anywho. I've been having a lot of medical appointments recently. Checkups and other important things. Sadly it's not my work that's taking the hit. It's my classes. You'd think that someone would be more inclined to skip work (I mean, after all some people don't like their jobs, and any excuse to get out of it is nice). But I'm more inclined to skip class. Why? Because I don't feel like people are counting on me to perform some service in class. Class is me time. Me time can be sacrificed.

I'm fully aware that people accommodate and the world will not stop if I stop working. But really, I feel bad any time I have to take time away from a job. I don't feel bad at all skipping a class to make a doctors appointment.

This year has been full of doctors and insurance so far. Hopefully that stops.

Maybe once I graduate in a month I should change the name of this blog to musing of a workaholic.

Crush, feeling like crap (SURPRISE SURPRISE)

This girl I know told me she had a crush on me. I think I briefly discussed this in my last post. It's been fine since then, normal everyday activity, normal amount of conversation with her online and such. She's not an outspoken person, and prefers to talk online where she can hide behind the screen and think a bit first. Which I completely understand.

Tonight though, as she sent off her usual flurry of random meaningless things ( do I chew gum? yes I chew gum... oh you're collecting gum wrappers for an art project? Please, context first, then ask random questions out of the blue), I walked over to get my food from my desk, and the facebook chat noise went off. Quick successive of multiple messages. It's fine, I'm talking to 3 people, but then I go look. Nope. All from her.

So I think to myself "goooddd whyyyyy why is it when someone likes you but you dont like them back they just get on your nerves so easily" and then my brain stopped. And I sat there and thought about how I try to stay in touch with my ex. And that sometimes I send off a ton of messages to her. Normally with a picture I thought she'd like, or just checking in and seeing how her life goes. I worry about her a lot since she takes on a large courseload and gets stressed. And I'm still used to remembering things like she has test X soon, and wondering how she did. I like keeping up to date on people I care about, and I do that for all my friends. But I wonder if maybe she ever feels that way I just felt towards the girl who's crushing on me. That feeling where you're really just like: "God damn. Leave me alone"

That kinda triggered an unhappy bit in my brain on. That whole, well good job not realizing that you're probably not helping her get work done by bothering her with messages. You're probably  not really doing a good job of giving her her own space and all that stuff that an ex should probably do. All those wonderful little feelings that just culminate in feeling worthless and that you're just still fucked up and you can't even be someones ex properly.

I'm sure it's a passing feeling. I hope. My immediate reaction when I started to get into that drain of 'oh look whose still an annoying person who doesn't get a hunt and keeps on trying to be friends with somone even when they're too busy for them' was to start to reach out for help. Of course, feeling like crap... the person I wanted to reach out most to was her. But of course, I can't do that. Doing that means that I'm bothering her and being this pathetic person. And pretty much enforcing all those thoughts about how I must be super annoying and that I'm probably bugging her but she's just too nice to tell me to go die in a ditch. Instead of doing all that, I decided to write it out instead. This way, when I'm done feeling this way, maybe I can look at this and say: ''you know, I'm not so bad, I just get a bit down sometimes"... of course, still doesn't change that my reaction to starting to feel like crap is to reach out to my ex and want to talk to her. But hell... what do I even say? What can I say? I want to come to her with my issues because she told me she'd be there for me and I told her I'd be there for her. But when my issue is that I feel like I'm the problem, that I'm not doing any of this right, that I'm the stupid one... I don't know what to do. I'm not going to go fishing for some pity party teamates, this isn't a pity party. It's not, woe is me I feel so bad. It's I feel like shit because I find myself projecting my feelings towards the girl who crushes on me, and talks to me all the time, onto my relatiomship with my ex, only the situations are reversed and im the one who talks all the time.

You know, these moods fucking suck. I feel so fucked up when I'm seriously arguing with myself over how I feel about anything. I guess I'm feeling better now that I've typed things out a bit. But really, I guess I'm looking for affirmation that I'm not an awful person for wanting to keep in touch with a friend I care about. And I'm really not that bothered by this girl talking to me alot, she's young, a bit immature, and any advice that I can give her to help her get over me is fine by me. Sigh. I just wish that I could handle my own issues to well.