Well, there's only one more month of summer left. Then I'm back to school. Away from my job that i occasionally despise. Away from the friends who I can talk to and say anything to and they'll share their thoughts and feelings on it. Away from my parent. Away from fast food and restaurants that drain my wallet when I go near them. And worst of all, away from my girlfriend.
With only one more month of summer, maybe I should hurry up and try to do some things that I was supposed to finish up. I should: finish reading the networking book I've borrowed from my good friend Sean, so that I'm prepared for the class without being beaten down too hard. I should hang out with all the friends who I've been meaning to see, but never seem to have time to. I should try to do nothing for a day -- seriously hard for me to . I should try to finish up a bucket list I have with my girlfriend of things we wanted to do together this summer.
Going back won't be all bad though. I look forward to learning and seeing my other friends. I'm a nerd, so all the interesting academic activities that occur around me at school excite me. I'm going to have a single this year. So for the first time ever I'm going to actually have my own place, with no one else to worry about and only myself to take care of. Technically I'll have a suite mate, but my own room and a small shared space for the entrance to our room will be fine. So I guess it will be more like living in my own place with a roommate. Anyway.
I tend to write when I've been thinking for too long about things that bother me. Or I write while the things are bothering me. The problem is that when something bothers me, and there is literally nothing I can do about it, that just frustrates me more. I guess its feeling like I'm powerless that bothers me the most. I don't really care about being in control of situations, I'm not that kinda guy who is bothered by other people asserting themselves (unless they're obviously not qualified and then I prefer to shut them down or let them know in some way that someone else should leave). Being in control of a situation is a nice feeling I suppose, I like being responsible and actually fulfilling my duties as the responsible person. To me, feeling like an adult is a privilege I get sometimes, and when I'm not doing 'adult' things, I behave as my normal fun loving self.
I don't think as you get older you need to become bitter and angry or stop being able to be silly. I think that over time, you run into a lot of situations and that can make you more bitter or a little more seasoned. All my friends told me that I had become bitter after my first year of college, a little bit more secure with who I was and what my morals were, and because of that my judgement on other people had become well defined. In high school I was so nice. Everyone was my friend unless they proved otherwise, I was a social butterfly and happy to flit from place to place. After the first year at college I came back and after being exposed to a higher level of education and (in my opinion) living. I looked at some of my friends and realized they were wasting there time, doing things that I thought weren't worthwhile, or just straight up stupid. The choices that I saw some people make upset me because I like to think about the future, and their choices (in my opinion) were going to drive them right into the ground. It made me upset that so many of my friends might become what people consider white trash. I myself, when talking about a specific friend who I think did something very very stupid, said that they were going to become white trash.
I'm not proud of it. Insulting your friends in that way isn't something that I'd ever thought I'd do. I bet if I went back a year, I'd hardly be able to hold a conversation with myself, I've changed a lot in the last year. If I went back 2 years, I'd probably end up lecturing myself. 3 years and I would have slapped myself for doing some things. 4 years, I'd have tried to educate and warn myself. 5 years and I would have probably just hugged myself and told the younger me that life wasn't really that bad and that eventually the pain that he felt would heal -- albeit it took a long time, and some things still sting, but it would heal and he would move on. That angry angry kid 6 years ago who was always happy on the outside, I would try to help him.
The current me, and the me from high school are so drastically different that I don't know if we'd recognize each other. Physically we're different, mentally we're so different in our level of maturity that we probably wouldn't get along. This makes me stop and wonder: how? How did I become this way? Of course I instantly know the answer and memories leap to the forefront of my thoughts. The past shapes who we are, and it effects what we do now and how we feel when skeletons come out of our closets. But the present us is the one who decides how to deal with those ghosts. The present us has a choice of acknowledging something that has happened, seeing it as a growing experience and embracing it, or in focusing on only the bad and becoming fixated. Its weird to think about that the present us, the you of the now is probably going to be the one you look back on in a few years and think: "what the hell was that kid thinking". But, everything happens, and we deal with it how we will. Even thought I feel somewhat mature sometimes, and my friends tell me that my thoughts and actions are one of someone who has matured, I think that I still have some ways to go.
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