too soon?

I don't understand myself anymore.

I guess I've been in retrospective mode for a bit now. I wanted to say those words today, and I tried to. I've wanted to say them for months now, but I would get tongue tied and couldn't talk, it was like a clamp on my stomach and throat, stopping me from talking at all until I had decided not to spew my guts out. I think this is the first time. I've wanted to say it for so long, I guess I'm afraid to, fear of rejection always pops up in my brain, severely this time it seems. I guess the little bit of encouragement from friends recently, and the suggestion of a coworker sorta helped push me along a bit more. I guess it was enough to get me one word in before being stopped.

I probably picked an awful time for it. I can't help but wonder if I came off as scum because of the timing of it with the conversation topic at the time. I can't pick a time to say it though, it just doesn't work like that. You say it when you feel you should. I guess I'm just fucked up.

Speaking of fucked up, how about that past. I went and talked to my friend today about stuff, and was trying to make sense of how I got to where I am emotionally. I guess everything always starts with your first. Its the catalyst that sets off your emotional development. As life goes, your first will never be your last. My first girlfriend destroyed me. When she broke up with me, I felt like my life was completely over. Everything that had held me up, every ounce of confidence, the faith I had for love and all the naive thoughts of a teenager. Dust in the wind. I was a hollow man for at least a month. My friends helped me through I guess, but when I wasn't with them, I was thinking about her. How had something like that happened, how had I let it happen, why did it happen? What did I do wrong. Why was I so stupid? Every thought crushed me down, I needed someone, or something to lift me up.

I guess, two years later, my next girlfriend did for a while. She was so sweet. Giving me all she could, only wanting for my happiness, and what did I do. The cycle. For anyone who doesn't know, the cycle is how a girl breaks a boys heart, and he goes out and breaks a girls heart, who then breaks a boys heart, ad infinitum. At first we were wonderful together, but all the sweetness, it was too much for me. When I had been so used to everything but after being alone for so long. I wasn't ready to jump back into dating I suppose. Unfortunately I did. And I broke up with her so cruelly. I'd like to say I live my life without regrets but that's a lie. I regret being so cruel, sometimes late at night, I still wonder why I did it.

After that, it wasn't long before i was looking for something else. I had had a bitch (not kind, but to be honest thats what she was), I had had the sweetheart, neither had been what I wanted. A very brief makeout session with a friend had lulled me into a bit of a hopeful mood. I felt ready again, and wanted more to happen. But it didn't. And we became really good friends -- after I had delt with her telling me that she had been holding out for another boy. A boy who later broke her heart. Meanwhile, I picked up his pieces and talked to her when she was down and needed advice, trying to be a good friend. When she had told me that she had been waiting for the boy, I had been a little angry, I didn't want to be someones second choice, only their first and how dare she lead me on like that. But I came to my senses and realized I was being foolish, and that a friendship with her was all that I had really wanted from her.

After two bad break ups and a fling I wasn't the worlds best dater I suppose. And didn't try to 'pick up' women or flirt or date at all. I focused on other things. That is, until my friend mentioned that one of her friends was looking for a fuck buddy. Why not? I didn't have time for a relationship, and didn't really feel like I was emotionally secure to do so either, but just a physical relationship? That didn't sound like it would hurt me in the long run. No emotional attachment guaranteed me that I wouldn't be hurt like I had been before. And I guess that turned out to be true. Unfortunately, after being with her in that way for a bit, it escalated and pretty soon it felt as if we were dating. We'd plan things to do together besides just sex. If you're just in it for sex, then you would never do anything but that. No commitment required was the prerequisite. I failed.

Its in my nature to become committed I've realized. Ever since I held a crush from 2nd grade to 7th grade and then 8th grade to 10th. Flaky relationships aren't my thing. Short bright burning relationships, no thank you. I wanted the long haul. So how did I justify my fuck buddy relationship? I suppose I couldn't and maybe that's why it turned out the way it did. One week plans on actually dating, then the next week with everything in smoke. It was for the best. She was smarter than I was in that regard, and knew what would happen if we dated. I'd be hers completely, but if she ever needed something, and I wasn't around ot satisfy that need, she'd get it somewhere else. She was a good friend. And because of those reasons broke it off for friendship only. I'm happy we did.

During that summer when the balls were in the air about dating. I had my one and only one night stand. What can I say about it? It was foolish. Unexpected? Accidental? I didn't mean to do it? Doesn't change what happened. Its when that cliched line of "one thing led to the other and..." comes into reality and you realize how appropriate that line is sometimes. Sometimes you really don't realize whats going to happen and you can't help yourself. Your head tells you one thing, and you finally get the nerve to tell your logic to go screw itself, its got you nothing yet. I suppose that's what I did. Maybe I did it because I found out my fuck buddy from school had had sex already that summer with someone else, and I wanted to seem as uncommitted as they were. I don't know, there could be hundreds of reasons I suppose, but I can't bullshit myself. When I look back on this blog and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I was writing it, I don't want to read a lie, I want my truth. And the truth is, I just wanted to be different for one night I suppose. To not be myself. I was a boy who believed in that naive kind of love, who wanted it so bad that he rejected the short flings in middle/high school for an unrequited love. Staying true to those guns, I tried to be committed in all things I did, and in who I was with. I've never had a short relationship, always on the order of months or year in one case. I got hurt doing things that way, and I guess for one night I wanted to be the other guy, the one who didn't care, who wasn't a sensitive and emotional boy.  fuck it, I don't even know. I just didn't want to be me any more at that point. I wouldn't be surprised if other people get tired of being themselves sometimes.

After all that ended, the school year swung in full force. And with nothing but anger and lonelyness at being hurt and rejected and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be anyones anything, I worked. I dedicated myself to my studies, I was so pleased. Learning became a thirst I couldn't not satisfy. That year was different, the studies took on a new life, and my field opened before my eyes and I felt matured. After a semester of intense graduate level courses mixed with some of the hardest classes I've ever taken. I was so confident and fulfilled.

Every bit of the confidence I had lost from my first had come back to me it seemed. My work ethic was secure. My esteem and direction of self worth was directly influenced by the work I did and how much I learned. To think was to be at that point. Everything I did was right. I relied on myself completely, I could teach others, I could show, but always, I knew what to do and was ready for anything. Or at least thats how I felt. I guess I didn't realize the piece I was still missing.

I was secure scholastically. I had the respect of my peers. I had the admiration and thanks of those who I had helped. My professors saw me as a matured and prosperous student with a good head on his shoulders.  So what was I missing? Obviously. Someone to share it with. At night I would still wonder about those girls from before, wondering: why. Why did X happen, what could I have done better, what can I change about myself to become a better person, more ready to be with someone.

I was surprised when a coworker expressed interest in me. I guess I was too selfish and inwardly focused to realize what was going on. I was so clueless I suggested Dinner and a Movie and still somehow was convinced that there was going to be more than just me and her. I don't know what my brain was doing, I have a terrible memory for so many things. After the first time hanging out with her though, the surprise was gone, the inward focus was redirected. I wanted to hang out with her again. And so, we did. I made a move. I'm so happy I did.

Since one night just looking at her, I felt that feeling inside. One I hadn't felt since my first. That feeling of complete and total contentment. The feeling where the world could literally be on fire, and I wouldn't give a damn because as long as I have you, nothing else matters. I wanted to say it so bad. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. So I just held you closer. Nothing else mattered in the world at that instant. A little later, it happened again. Once again, the feeling bubbled up from my gut and tried to burst. Again I couldn't do it. There was something blocking it. I didn't tell anyone. Not for at least a month and a half. I talked about it to my close friends, they weren't surprised, I couldn't figure out why I got tongue tied if I tried to say it. What was holding me back? A friend posed the right question. Are you afraid she won't say it back? I realized that maybe that was it. And furthermore, things were good now, so why rock the boat with such a heavy phrase and emotion?

So I let it sit in my mind. And its grown heavier and heavier. Each day became another day of holding my tongue in check out of fear, and each day I'd sit and think to myself. Why. What have I got to lose. My fear of rejection was rearing its head horribly. Stopping me. I needed encouragement, or just someone to tell me that it'd work out alright. I talked to my friends girlfriend a little, she asked how long we'd been together, and stated that even if she didn't say it back, that she would, that I was an awesome guy and asking how couldn't you feel the same? I guess that was nice, but it still didn't push me over. I suppose today, encouragement from a coworker popped me far enough to get the 1st word and the idea across to her.

I don't know how she took it. I don't know if I sounded real to her. Does she think I just said it because what we were talking about before hand? If so, how do I make her understand the last 2 months I've been like this? Why that time to try it? Was I stupid? Should I have done something else instead, held my tongue? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Will she read this all the way to the end? I don't know. Will anything I'm trying to say make sense? Who knows. Will my sentiment be obvious enough. Is it even ok to post this entry? Shes one of two followers to my blog. This isn't anything I wouldn't tell her. But somehow those 3 words are just so much easier  typing than saying them.