how unfortunate

August 23 2011

I had everything I could ask for. And it was taken away from me in a single day. I had the love of a woman, she got scared at how much she cared for me and decided she didn't want to do anything anymore. I had the respect of my peers, I failed to demonstrate skills I should have. I had confidence to do whatever I wanted to do, it is gone with her love. I was looking forward to school, not just because of a burning desire to learn and become a great computer scientist, but because of the things that her and I would be doing, experimenting with. She was my confidant, I confided some of the deepest secrets I had with her, and I trusted her. I still trust her to never tell, and to never do anything with that knowledge. She helped me open up and accept myself some more. Can I stay open without her foot in the door? Or will I close up again like before. I saw my big ex, the one who makes me feel sick just thinking about her, and then all of this happens. I know I can't blame her for that, but goddamned if I don't feel like it was her fault somehow. My life will continue, and I will move on, but for a little while, I had happiness in all aspects of my life. Now I can only hope to attain it again. I didn't realise how happy the girl I've lost had made me, I hope that I can find that feeling again.