Why do we do things even when we know we'll be disappointed by them?
When I'm waiting for something, I tend to check for it, even if I know the odd's aren't in my favor. I wonder if this is the downside of being hopeful. Say I'm waiting for a package I ordered, I'll check on amazon for the tracking information every day until it gets to me. Most of the time checking it a few times a day, just to see how the package is coming along on it's road to me. It's my natural curiosity to some extent, and to a larger degree my hoping that somehow it will travel faster than it is. Sometimes I leave messages for people, like on their birthdays, or just because I haven't talked to them in a while, or sometimes just because I wanted to hear their voice. Secretly I just want to be called/responded back to with anything. I think I touched on it last post, but the 'seen' status of a message on gchat or facebook drives me insane. And I think it's because of this. Here I am, hoping to hear back because hearing back makes me happy. To know that someone is taking a bit of time and thinking about me for a while. I suppose it's kinda selfish. So back to my original sentence,why do I check things like amazon, facebook, email, etc when I know that I'm probably going to be disappointed? Hope I guess. And some strange optimism that I have that it will be there.
On a completely and totally unrelated note. I mentioned my grandmother for the first time to a friend today. She's rather old, and has been developing dementia. My parents want to go visit her during thanksgiving. But going to DC or Virginia just sounds awful to me. It's not that I don't want to see my family, it's that I don't want to be forced to travel over my vacation. To me, vacation is a time when I should just rest, sleep, not be stressed, and maybe do some fun things. But it seems like the people around me always want me to be doing things. It's like when a family decides to go on a vacation for a week to get away from the home life and do something exciting, but they fill up their itinerary so much that everyone has so much trouble keeping up with the pace that no one even has any fun. Anywho, back to my grandmother. I don't know why, but death doesn't bother me too much. Thinking that my grandmother is pretty old, she's at least above 80 now I believe. And she's started to develop some mental issues in addition to the physical ones she's had for a few years. I don't really think it's that crazy that I accept the fact that she'll probably die in the next decade or so. I guess it's morbid to say something like that. But at least it's realistic, and my grandmother is the kind of person who wouldn't want anyone to be to bothered by her going. She always had great advice for us, and fully accepted that people die and you have to accept that. Maybe it was losing my grandfather that made her accept that way of life. I never met either of my grandfathers. One died before I was even born I believe, and the other one died a year or two ago. The one that died more recently I never met because he's part of my mother's family and lived in Germany. My mother did used to tell me stories though. He was a music tutor and could play any instrument really well and used to compose for things. My mom used to tell me that he was so happy that I was musical. I think I talked to him once or twice on the phone before. His broken english to my spattering of german really didn't work too well for communication. But just knowing about him was nice.
All that being said, I wonder if something is wrong with me. I can accept death so easily. It's something that happens to everyone. If someone you care about develops a mental issue that reduces them to less than the person they were before, or to the point where they don't even know who they are anymore. Why bother continue living? Is it really living if you can't even understand that you're alive? Losing yourself sounds awful. I don't think I'd ever want to go that way, I value my mind far too much to think that I might not be able to think or something as me someday. Maybe that's why my family is so good at being aware even when we're intoxicated haha. Even when I've had a good number of drinks I remain me. I think the same way, I analyze the same way. Everythings the same besides I might be a bit more prone to dancing or doing something I might think I'd get judged for.
I wonder if it will be awful when she goes. I can understand my lack of empathy about my grandfathers as I never truly met them. But my grandmother was the little old lady who always played the piano at church and was loved by everyone of them. So I wonder how I'll feel when she dies. Will I move on as easily as I have in light of my two grandfather's deaths? As my aunt's death this past year? Am I actually affected by these events and I'm just shutting it out to avoid the feelings, or am I really that devoid of concern for death? Perhaps it's not the nicest way to phrase it, but when someones dead, they're gone and there's nothing you can do about it besides remember the good times. And I don't think anyone who died would want you to be sad about it. I mean, sure it's nice to know people cared about you, but the best way to show that is for you to keep living to the fullest and being happy. Not being sad and living in the past every moment of the present.
Wow, that strayed off the original point of setting myself up for disappointment. I don't like being disappointed, and I tend to avoid it as best as I can. But, I guess the only problem with being optimistic all the time is that you're let down a lot since you expect more than you get. Eh, whatever, as an optimist, I guess you just have to be optimistic about that too hahaha.
In another unrelated note. Horoscopes are hilarious, although sometimes the ones about relationships between the different signs is pretty interesting to read up on.
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