I was just looking through old posts and read this one:
http://realityperplexed.blogspot.com/2010/11/taylor-swift-and-transporter-vacations.html
Its interesting how far I've come, and how stuck in the rut I still am. My head was in such a different place when I wrote that blog, romantically I mean. Well, maybe not completely different but things have changed. Although my music taste hasn't. I still listen to a variety of music, and funny enough, I'm listening to Taylor Swift, probably because that blog post reminded me of it and that I'm just feeling the really sad songs right now. I'm not in a particularly sad mood, pretty normal I guess. But I am doing that thing where I'm staying awake way too much.
Something that has changed is my living space though. I have no roommate to worry about anymore. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I sit here on my bed, with my laptop shining and music playing and don't even worry about bothering someone else. Do I miss it? If I spent more time in my room I think I might miss having a roommate. Having someone to talk to at night was a big thing for me, because when the dark rolls in outside, it tends to roll in my mind as well and my thoughts wander down pathways I don't want them to. I spend about..... 6 or so hours in my room everyday, maybe 7 or 8 at most. I sleep in my room. And that's it. I wake up a half hour before I go to work, and tend to be back in my bedroom an hour or so before I go to sleep. The rest of the day is spent in a windowless lab in the computer science building at the university. I suppose saying windowless doesn't exactly invoke a pleasant feeling in many people. For me though, I love the warmth of the building, being able to shut out the outside world and just focus on whatever I need to be done. Not to mention the other people in the lab's intellect stimulates me. If you want to be smart, then elevate your company to be with those who are smarter than you, and then teach those less intelligent than you as much as you can. Everyone wins this way.
Anyway. I guess that blog post I linked to was one of the last ones before I really got into doing my own projects and switching to this odd workaholic productive mode I'm always in. I wonder if I've filled up my life with work for some reason. I mean, maybe having so much to do all the time helps me distract myself from being lonely. A long distance relationship is hard sometimes, one of those dark rolls I mentioned that occur at night is when I'm lying awake and just wishing I had her to hold. When I'm feeling down or stupid or just unhappy, I know that if she was lying with me, I'd be ok. So I guess I work a lot and take on way too many responsibilities in order to distract my mind as much as possible. The bottom line I suppose is that I'm a bit of a sap sometimes.
Never give your heart to someone so completely that they can truly hurt you. When you let someone into your heart, you can never really get them back out. You can try to forget them, but there will always be reminders. And unfortunately for me, a lot of things in my life are associated with her, simple gestures, dance moves, phrases, inside jokes between multiple friends, foods, everything and anything. Even some numbers. It's rediculous how invested I was in her. I was so convinced and so stupid. Maybe that's why I generally tell my friends, half jokingly, that I'm a cold hearted bastard. Because I guess I am sometimes.
So I guess what I wrote right there surprises the current me, even if that's how I felt at the time. I understand where the past me was coming from though. That time was when I was lonely, I had no one, the one girl who I thought something was going to happen with had come out and told me that she was sorry she led me on, but she was waiting on a different boy. Which made me feel like shit because it was effectively saying that she liked me, but she liked this other kid more, and so much more than he was worth waiting for even though that didn't even end up happening. So it wasn't even until she had been rejected that she looked at me in the same way, and by that point we were such good friends, that it would be like dating a sister/brother. Well, I suppose my qouted statement is based off of that, but mostly the first girl who broke me. I suppose what hit me most is my saying that there will always be reminders. Mainly because the other day I smelled the perfume she used to wear wafting at me from some girl in the classroom. It was awful. I think out of all the senses, smell is one of the most memorable. I seriously felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. I stopped paying attention to the teacher. Stiffened up in my seat and took a breath. Same smell again. I stopped breathing. My mind racing in circles asking why? who? where is she? I don't want to see her? I hate this. Stop. Stop. Stop. Before the intelligent side of my head kicked in and told the emotions to shove it. It's not uncommon for a smell like that to show up. The memories it brought back weren't especially good ones. But it did bring that one word into my brain. That one word I haven't even spoken in ... oh god at least 5 years. That I still haven't spoken. Everything that's tied to that word is no longer relevant to who I am. It might have helped shape me to be who I am today, and is a part of me, but it's not ... to be redundant it's not relevant to my life anymore. And I suppose I was more surprised than anything that such a simple thing as that smell could bring such a rush of emotions into me.
Its funny to me to remember how I was angry at my roommate that night. We're best friends still even if we don't live together anymore. Such a small thing and yet, it meant so much to me at the time. I wonder if almost everything in life can eventually be viewed like that? I mean, past relationships seem huge during their course and for a while after. But you slowly heal if it was a bad one, or forget about and replace it with a better one if it was an ok one. Things that mean a lot to us today can mean next to nothing ten years down the road. There are some things that I think don't change. Your passions don't change. You can switch it up and be more passionate about something else for a while, but I don't think you can really stop being passionate about something once you've started. Or at least you can't stop if you're actually passionate about it. Another thing that doesn't change is love I think. Cliche I know. But if you actually do love someone, then they're always a part of you. I think that's part of what being in love is. And when a relationship ends for whatever reason, you might be able to tell if you loved that person by how much they still mean to you when its all done. But I'm an optimist so I suppose I'd like to think that if you love someone, that relationship doesn't end. But life isn't always fair that way.
ANYWHO. Getting off that depressing topic. I'd prefer to talk about other things, primariy because the theoreticals are nice, but I'd like to talk more about stuff that's more relevant to my life I guess. And musing about how the human races relationships work out and what love is can probably fill another blog post in itself.
My graduation is coming soon. I don't even know what to do about it.
I used to wake up at 5 am to go to school and sit with a girl who had to get dropped off early becuase she had family issues, because I was crushing on her bad.
I completely forgot about this. I guess I should be a hyprocrit and contradict myself now. How did I forget about that? This was a part of my life for at least a year and a half. Maybe because it was highschool? Maybe because in the overall scheme of things, it didn't matter as much as it could have. I was in a hugely different place when that was happening. That was before my first relationship and more of the third crush in my life. Crazy how time flies by so fast and how we all change.
I guess what I'm trying to get at with this random blog is that we all change. And to me, what seems to mark points in my life is these events that meant so much to me at the time, but then I look at them 2 or more years down the road and... it's like I'm a totally different person. Or at least, changed quite a bit. Maybe its all just part of growing up and being mature. Pfft did I just call myself mature? God I hope not.
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