Somethings missing

I feel like I'm missing half of myself.

For my darling

I'll take this down once you've seen it, I know how you feel about pda babe.

I  am not going to cry until you text me

Loneliness is something we have to deal with, but I will be there for you
Of all the people who I've met, you've been the most amazing
Von Hardenberg may make me royalty, but you're my Queen
Enchanted by Taylor Swift describes how wonderstruck I was and am by you

You have a special place in my heart
Of all the people I've loved, you have been the truest love I've known
Underneath all my insecurity there's confidence built up by you

After you drove away I felt like a train hit me
Machismo tells me I shouldn't cry
All of my feelings say the opposite
No one can take what you gave to me away
Don't say you're sorry, you were forgiven before you even said it
And you better move on from me, onto someone you'll love

Many girls and guys will come along, I won't forget you
And I'm not going to stop being friends or talking with you
Everyone might think we're weird, but I don't care

Babe, I've never given anyone a nickname before but you felt right for it
Letting you go is going to be so hard
And I bet you think I'm silly for making this acrostic poem
Can't let you go without one more sappy thing to make you shake your head and smile
K is such a weird letter to start a sentence with!

I love you so much. And I bet you're annoyed with me posting something like this online where everyone can see it. I know you hate PDA, but too bad. This poem is for you. Read the first letters down and hope that I spelled your middle name right. You're my best friend. And us not being together anymore doesn't change that. You've always got me, and I know I've always got you. Any programming help you need I'm there for you, after all, as a nerd what else could I be good for? You've been the best girlfriend I've ever had. And you've given me a lot of firsts, I'm glad I had them with you. You're amazing, and I will always think that.

Mental vs Physical

Last night at school for a month and a half.

I plan on spending it studying, eating chinese food, and spending a little time with the friends who have the same final as I do tomorrow. I still have to do some packing and cleaning tomorrow, but mentally I'm ready to go home I think. I'm not tired of learning, after all I need to and want to learn about Drupal and some other stuff for an internship I have next semester. I'm a little tired of lectures though.

This has been the first semester where I consistently spent most of my time in a few classes trying not to sleep. It's not that I didn't find the subject interesting. I think I was just trying to do too much. And I suppose next semester is going to be even more of that. I have not one, but two internships running concurrently for the next semester. Plus four high level computer science classes. I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but I'm going to try my damnedest. On another level, I'll have the stress of 'go find a job' boiled into my head by teacher after teacher. Or at least from most of them that will happen I bet. My teacher for a senior software development course told me that I had a lot of potential and that I should consider graduate school. It's a big compliment in my eyes, trying not to let it go to my head, but wow. The professor is stupidly smart, went to Caltech and the whole shebang. I feel good about getting a nice compliment from him like that.

Anyway. Studying is going alright, but I'm so done with it. I don't really want to be studying anymore. I want to be coding, working on projects and solving fun applied problems. Coming up with new algorithms to defeat difficult issues, maybe doing analysis on them to determine if they're better or not. Hell, why not try to prove NP = P or not. That'd be a nice cool million bucks :p (Doubtful that I could do it, but I can pretend).

I don't know if I miss home or not. My hometown has a lot of places that have good memories, and a lot that have bad memories. I wouldn't mind just uprooting my life there and leaving most of it behind. I love my friends and wouldn't want to lose them. But the town itself, I could live without. There's more painful memories there than good ones, and it's too easy to get distracted by it all. But if I were to get up and move away, where would I go? It's a difficult question. And not one I feel I'm ready to handle quite yet. I'll hopefully come up with more ideas of what to do over the winter break. It's scary. Graduating from college means I won't see all these people who I consider my peers and who I enjoy talking to about intellectual things.

For me, talking about interesting and intelligent topics has become a bit of a drug I suppose.  Being intellectually stimulated is way better than being physically aroused. They're two sides of the coin I guess. Physical release is an amazing thing because for a few fleeting I don't have to think. There are no words, no thoughts, only feelings and the amazing pleasure and relaxation of both mind and body. Mental stimulation gets me worked up, it haunts my thoughts prying open new doors and breaking boxes and boundaries in my mind, helping me to attain new levels of progress. It keeps me up at night rather than putting me to sleep, it stresses rather than relaxes, it's the build up to the moment that is the pleasure, every ounce of problem solving poured in is palpable. And then, you solve it. You write about it, you explain it to everyone you can, indulging in your own superfluous degree of arrogance of being able to do something you find so monumental. Then, over time, it fades away until it was just another blip on your crusade to knowledge. Physical stimulation is so fleeting, it's the moment that matters. The release that takes your breath away. Mental stimulation is a building, slow wave of intoxication that fills you up with immense frustration and joy at the same time.  Both go away in the end. But one lasts longer.

What a fun tangent.

One more week.

One more week until:

I'm in my bed back home.
In the same state as my girl.
Working remotely for a real internship (not just subcontract work, been there done that)
The first time I've come back from a semester and not had to work my summer/winter job
I'm done with the last fall semester of my undergraduate career
I need to start really thinking about the future
I will not be signed up for any math classes for the first time
I have to switch gears from professionalism to relaxed
I need to pay a bill
I get paid
I can listen to whatever music I want without getting weird looks
I don't have office hours anymore and can spend all of my attention on my own problems
I can code for fun again
I never have to code an android application again
I get to play with Ubuntu
I see my family
I see my friends
I think about why this list ended up being listed the way it is
I stop saying 'I' at the beginning of n-2 statements in a list
I eat homemade food.

So many things to look forward to. It will be an interesting week.

Rereading blog, random thoughts, change

I was just looking through old posts and read this one:
http://realityperplexed.blogspot.com/2010/11/taylor-swift-and-transporter-vacations.html

Its interesting how far I've come, and how stuck in the rut I still am. My head was in such a different place when I wrote that blog, romantically I mean. Well, maybe not completely different but things have changed. Although my music taste hasn't. I still listen to a variety of music, and funny enough, I'm listening to Taylor Swift, probably because that blog post reminded me of it and that I'm just feeling the really sad songs right now. I'm not in a particularly sad mood, pretty normal I guess. But I am doing that thing where I'm staying awake way too much.

Something that has changed is my living space though. I have no roommate to worry about anymore. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone. I sit here on my bed, with my laptop shining and music playing and don't even worry about bothering someone else. Do I miss it? If I spent more time in my room I think I might miss having a roommate. Having someone to talk to at night was a big thing for me, because when the dark rolls in outside, it tends to roll in my mind as well and my thoughts wander down pathways I don't want them to. I spend about..... 6 or so hours in my room everyday, maybe 7 or 8 at most. I sleep in my room. And that's it. I wake up a half hour before I go to work, and tend to be back in my bedroom an hour or so before I go to sleep. The rest of the day is spent in a windowless lab in the computer science building at the university. I suppose saying windowless doesn't exactly invoke a pleasant feeling in many people. For me though, I love the warmth of the building, being able to shut out the outside world and just focus on whatever I need to be done. Not to mention the other people in the lab's intellect stimulates me. If you want to be smart, then elevate your company to be with those who are smarter than you, and then teach those less intelligent than you as much as you can. Everyone wins this way.

Anyway. I guess that blog post I linked to was one of the last ones before I really got into doing my own projects and switching to this odd workaholic productive mode I'm always in. I wonder if I've filled up my life with work for some reason. I mean, maybe having so much to do all the time helps me distract myself from being lonely. A long distance relationship is hard sometimes, one of those dark rolls I mentioned that occur at night is when I'm lying awake and just wishing I had her to hold. When I'm feeling down or stupid or just unhappy, I know that if she was lying with me, I'd be ok. So I guess I work a lot and take on way too many responsibilities in order to distract my mind as much as possible. The bottom line I suppose is that I'm a bit of a sap sometimes.

Never give your heart to someone so completely that they can truly hurt you. When you let someone into your heart, you can never really get them back out. You can try to forget them, but there will always be reminders. And unfortunately for me, a lot of things in my life are associated with her, simple gestures, dance moves, phrases, inside jokes between multiple friends, foods, everything and anything. Even some numbers. It's rediculous how invested I was in her. I was so convinced and so stupid. Maybe that's why I generally tell my friends, half jokingly, that I'm a cold hearted bastard. Because I guess I am sometimes.

So I guess what I wrote right there surprises the current me, even if that's how I felt at the time. I understand where the past me was coming from though. That time was when I was lonely, I had no one, the one girl who I thought something was going to happen with had come out and told me that she was sorry she led me on, but she was waiting on a different boy. Which made me feel like shit because it was effectively saying that she liked me, but she liked this other kid more, and so much more than he was worth waiting for even though that didn't even end up happening. So it wasn't even until she had been rejected that she looked at me in the same way, and by that point we were such good friends, that it would be like dating a sister/brother. Well, I suppose my qouted statement is based off of that, but mostly the first girl who broke me. I suppose what hit me most is my saying that there will always be reminders. Mainly because the other day I smelled the perfume she used to wear wafting at me from some girl in the classroom. It was awful. I think out of all the senses, smell is one of the most memorable. I seriously felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. I stopped paying attention to the teacher. Stiffened up in my seat and took a breath. Same smell again. I stopped breathing. My mind racing in circles asking why? who? where is she? I don't want to see her? I hate this. Stop. Stop. Stop. Before the intelligent side of my head kicked in and told the emotions to shove it. It's not uncommon for a smell like that to show up. The memories it brought back weren't especially good ones. But it did bring that one word into my brain. That one word I haven't even spoken in ... oh god at least 5 years. That I still haven't spoken. Everything that's tied to that word is no longer relevant to who I am. It might have helped shape me to be who I am today, and is a part of me, but it's not ... to be redundant it's not relevant to my life anymore. And I suppose I was more surprised than anything that such a simple thing as that smell could bring such a rush of emotions into me.

Its funny to me to remember how I was angry at my roommate that night. We're best friends still even if we don't live together anymore. Such a small thing and yet, it meant so much to me at the time. I wonder if almost everything in life can eventually be viewed like that? I mean, past relationships seem huge during their course and for a while after. But you slowly heal if it was a bad one, or forget about and replace it with a better one if it was an ok one. Things that mean a lot to us today can mean next to nothing ten years down the road. There are some things that I think don't change. Your passions don't change. You can switch it up and be more passionate about something else for a while, but I don't think you can really stop being passionate about something once you've started. Or at least you can't stop if you're actually passionate about it. Another thing that doesn't change is love I think. Cliche I know. But if you actually do love someone, then they're always a part of you. I think that's part of what being in love is. And when a relationship ends for whatever reason, you might be able to tell if you loved that person by how much they still mean to you when its all done. But I'm an optimist so I suppose I'd like to think that if you love someone, that relationship doesn't end. But life isn't always fair that way.

ANYWHO. Getting off that depressing topic. I'd prefer to talk about other things, primariy because the theoreticals are nice, but I'd like to talk more about stuff that's more relevant to my life I guess. And musing about how the human races relationships work out and what love is can probably fill another blog post in itself.

My graduation is coming soon. I don't even know what to do about it.

I used to wake up at 5 am to go to school and sit with a girl who had to get dropped off early becuase she had family issues, because I was crushing on her bad. 

I completely forgot about this. I guess I should be a hyprocrit and contradict myself now. How did I forget about that? This was a part of my life for at least a year and a half. Maybe because it was highschool? Maybe because in the overall scheme of things, it didn't matter as much as it could have. I was in a hugely different place when that was happening. That was before my first relationship and more of the third crush in my life. Crazy how time flies by so fast and how we all change.



I guess what I'm trying to get at with this random blog is that we all change. And to me, what seems to mark points in my life is these events that meant so much to me at the time, but then I look at them 2 or more years down the road and... it's like I'm a totally different person. Or at least, changed quite a bit. Maybe its all just part of growing up and being mature. Pfft did I just call myself mature? God I hope not.