Tonight, I was supposed to take a friend's friend to a haunted house on campus. Unfortunately, I knew the complex that she lived in, but didn't know whether she lived in south or north complex. I was supposed to meet her at 9. I was at the complex at 8:55 and walked around the complex for 15 or so minutes. I didn't have the girls number, so I tried calling my friend, she didn't pick up because she's part of the haunted house. I can't text from my phone, so I went back to my computer to text her from aim. I tried her, and her boyfriend. They were both working and didn't have their phones on them.
So I waited. 11:30, two and a half hours later and my friend calls me. Her tone tells me she's angry, well maybe not angry, but confused and wanting an explanation for why I broke my promise. I didn't have a very good reply. I told her what I just said in that top paragraph. Minus the trying her and her boyfriend, but I'm sure she knows.
I feel like shit. I never break my promises. It's a rule I have, I make a promise I keep it, normally the promise is actually me saying I promise. However, as a more general statement, my word is my bond. So when I say I will do something, or that I can. I do my best to try and follow through. I despise failing at things, and I hate breaking promises even more.
Bad enough that this seems like a manifestation of what I was feeling a few nights ago. Sometimes, before I sleep, I try to make myself feel. Yeah, that's a typical emo thing to say right? I don't cut. Not physically. I search for the words that bring tears to my eyes. Because I do not cry. Not when I crushed a young girls heart into splinters. Not when I listen to my friends problems. Not when I read about a suicide on campus. Not when I read about the holocaust or read those really really well done books. The ones that you read in high school English class senior year. The movies that you watch during holocaust studies. I felt no remorse for them, I'm detached from them
Objectivity is a good skill that I have because of it. but still. I go to a party, no joy for me there. I might be able to go to clubs and other things, but so few things bring me happiness. I don't understand why. It's been this way for a long time. Maybe one time I'll write about it.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to take the girl to the haunted house, I'm going to try again. I'm having breakfast with my friend, the one who asked me take the other friend to the house, hopefully it won't consist of too much scolding. and my apology will allow it all to be fine.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Equations of God
There is something elegant about math, or rather, physics really. That equations and numbers can estimate what might and will happen given certain forces are applied. So, if you can predict the behavior of a neuron firing? And neurons firing controls us, then shouldn't you be able to have an equation that predicts human behavior?
You'd think so. But what makes it impossible? Or at least, difficult. What triggers the firings? In my opinion, reactions. So what get's a reaction? An action. And what triggers an action? A reaction, or I suppose, a preaction in that case. But every action is a preaction for an action, and every preaction is a reaction to an action. It's like the chicken and the egg.
So I suppose in the long run, if you knew what sparked the big bang,crunch, or really whatever made the universe then you could predict every reaction to that action. The list of equations would be huge. That system, if solved would probably spell out god's name or something. Either way, I think it's interesting. It makes the daily crap we have to go through in our lives easier to maintain.
Big things behave like little things, isn't that odd? I read somewhere, that black holes orbiting each other, and other very large objects, or I suppose very massive objects orbiting one another result in the same pattern as an electron orbiting a nucleus. Wouldn't it be something if the massive objects were just atoms to something else? What if, god was nothing more than the particular cellular structure of such massive proportions that it's atoms had to be rendered by galaxy's and super massive astronomical objects?
Conjecture, and fantasy aside.
Human beings, need companionship to live a healthy live. It's a simple fact. You can't make it alone in this world, and if you can. We'll you're just fucking special aren't you? Or schizophrenic. Lately, I've been feeling like I've lost my companions. My roommate, switched from a unlimited dining hall meal plan, to a points system. So we eat in vastly different places now, because of this, he hangs out with our mutual 'friend', hmm let's call him Pip. Pip, is an arrogant snob, who'd I'd personally like to see spaghettified by a black hole. He's not a terrible person, in fact I considered myself friends with him, and would still list him as an acquaintance if pressured, however. Something about him just irks me and pushes all of my buttons. So I try not to hang out with him.
But, my roommate doesn't share this dislike. And plays video games and hangs out with him all the time. If Pip didn't have a girlfriend, then I'd consider both of them homosexual since I came back to my room once and they door locked and it looked like I was interrupting something between them, as well as the fact that they left very soon after I came back from classes. Anyway, the bottom line of it all is.
I want my friend back. Last year, we hung out all the time, and were very close. Our friends never saw us anywhere without seeing the other most of the time. If one of us was around, chances were that the other was 50ft within range. That carried over this year. I go to a friend's dorm, they used to ask me where my roommate was. I'd make up some excuse, although most of mine were always better than his. Oh, he has to homework, oh, an essay, something came up right before we left, etc etc. As oppose to his, which are always, hm no I don't feel like it, or I don't want to.
It's not like I don't make an effort, or I'm excluding him. I'm not giving him any cause to hate me, I think. But I can't help but feel like he does sometimes. When I come back into the room, I say hi to him, I ask him how his day was and if anything cool happen. I know nobody likes it when their mother does it to them for 18 years, but still, I like it when my friends ask me about my well being,. I like talking to people. Social interaction is important.
But, he'll come into the room, and not even say a word. He'll sit at his desk with his headphones on listening to music and reading the internet forums. Just shutting the world, shutting me, out. I do try, if he has headphones on, I ask him why he doesn't play music for both of us, or if he found any new music lately. Some way of getting him to just open up a little and be less reclusive.
It's funny of course, my talking about him being reclusive. He drinks, when he goes out, or on Fridays when he's with Pip. They drink and play call of duty. I know, I sat in before on the first or second weekend of school and gave it a chance.
While it's amusing to watch a lightweight girl get smashed and make a fool of herself, it's not part of my lifestyle, and unfortunately for my social networking, it never really will be. Anyway, I feel like I'm losing him as a friend. The last few night's I've been up late thinking about it, and I always seem to break down after a while. Normally repeating some sentence that will bring me to tears so that I can just let something out. Let myself know that I still feel and have physical responses to them. But I suppose, that's another blog.
This started out as how our problems are insignificant to the greater scheme of things. But, the human race will probably die out soon, so I guess this stuff is important in the small scheme of Earth things.
You'd think so. But what makes it impossible? Or at least, difficult. What triggers the firings? In my opinion, reactions. So what get's a reaction? An action. And what triggers an action? A reaction, or I suppose, a preaction in that case. But every action is a preaction for an action, and every preaction is a reaction to an action. It's like the chicken and the egg.
So I suppose in the long run, if you knew what sparked the big bang,crunch, or really whatever made the universe then you could predict every reaction to that action. The list of equations would be huge. That system, if solved would probably spell out god's name or something. Either way, I think it's interesting. It makes the daily crap we have to go through in our lives easier to maintain.
Big things behave like little things, isn't that odd? I read somewhere, that black holes orbiting each other, and other very large objects, or I suppose very massive objects orbiting one another result in the same pattern as an electron orbiting a nucleus. Wouldn't it be something if the massive objects were just atoms to something else? What if, god was nothing more than the particular cellular structure of such massive proportions that it's atoms had to be rendered by galaxy's and super massive astronomical objects?
Conjecture, and fantasy aside.
Human beings, need companionship to live a healthy live. It's a simple fact. You can't make it alone in this world, and if you can. We'll you're just fucking special aren't you? Or schizophrenic. Lately, I've been feeling like I've lost my companions. My roommate, switched from a unlimited dining hall meal plan, to a points system. So we eat in vastly different places now, because of this, he hangs out with our mutual 'friend', hmm let's call him Pip. Pip, is an arrogant snob, who'd I'd personally like to see spaghettified by a black hole. He's not a terrible person, in fact I considered myself friends with him, and would still list him as an acquaintance if pressured, however. Something about him just irks me and pushes all of my buttons. So I try not to hang out with him.
But, my roommate doesn't share this dislike. And plays video games and hangs out with him all the time. If Pip didn't have a girlfriend, then I'd consider both of them homosexual since I came back to my room once and they door locked and it looked like I was interrupting something between them, as well as the fact that they left very soon after I came back from classes. Anyway, the bottom line of it all is.
I want my friend back. Last year, we hung out all the time, and were very close. Our friends never saw us anywhere without seeing the other most of the time. If one of us was around, chances were that the other was 50ft within range. That carried over this year. I go to a friend's dorm, they used to ask me where my roommate was. I'd make up some excuse, although most of mine were always better than his. Oh, he has to homework, oh, an essay, something came up right before we left, etc etc. As oppose to his, which are always, hm no I don't feel like it, or I don't want to.
It's not like I don't make an effort, or I'm excluding him. I'm not giving him any cause to hate me, I think. But I can't help but feel like he does sometimes. When I come back into the room, I say hi to him, I ask him how his day was and if anything cool happen. I know nobody likes it when their mother does it to them for 18 years, but still, I like it when my friends ask me about my well being,. I like talking to people. Social interaction is important.
But, he'll come into the room, and not even say a word. He'll sit at his desk with his headphones on listening to music and reading the internet forums. Just shutting the world, shutting me, out. I do try, if he has headphones on, I ask him why he doesn't play music for both of us, or if he found any new music lately. Some way of getting him to just open up a little and be less reclusive.
It's funny of course, my talking about him being reclusive. He drinks, when he goes out, or on Fridays when he's with Pip. They drink and play call of duty. I know, I sat in before on the first or second weekend of school and gave it a chance.
While it's amusing to watch a lightweight girl get smashed and make a fool of herself, it's not part of my lifestyle, and unfortunately for my social networking, it never really will be. Anyway, I feel like I'm losing him as a friend. The last few night's I've been up late thinking about it, and I always seem to break down after a while. Normally repeating some sentence that will bring me to tears so that I can just let something out. Let myself know that I still feel and have physical responses to them. But I suppose, that's another blog.
This started out as how our problems are insignificant to the greater scheme of things. But, the human race will probably die out soon, so I guess this stuff is important in the small scheme of Earth things.
Monday, October 25, 2010
My Glasses
I, like 66% of our population, wear glasses to see far away things. I unlike 66% of our population, enjoy life blurry.
When I first got my classes, I was angry. Angry because I had to rely on something else in order to be up to par with people with good vision. Angry because I wasn't good enough, angry that I had to have them to drive, angry that lying down on a pillow with them on bent the frames, angry that no matter how hard I tried, the lenses got scratched, angry angry angry, angry that people saw me and commented on it, angry that after over a year of wearing them, people were still surprised when I'd pull them out to read something.
Over time, it became from just an annoyance, go to class? Bring my glasses and use them to see. Go to a movie? Bring your glasses so you can see the movie. Walking down the street to meet a friend? Bring your glasses so you can see who they are from more than 10 ft away.
Not that I hadn't managed all these things without my glasses previously. In class, I'd squint and get good at making out the slightest differences between blobs, or if all else failed read the notes of someone next to me. Seeing a movie? The movie screens were big enough that I could get the general idea and just gloss over some minor scenery details. Walking down the street? My friends made up things that would distinguish us, things that might look like a casual gesture, but could be seen from far away.
The world, in my eyes, was blurry. And to my mind, when I had my glasses on the world was more distracting. No longer was there a blob of green that swayed, but hundreds of individual leaves, each with their own colour and motion. No longer were people in hallways or malls just blurs walking by, but people with distinct unique faces and interesting appearances. No longer was my brother a cheery toned face guy, but a man with facial scarring and traces of his woes written on his once smooth face.
Blurry was beauty. People were prettier meshed together into one big mess. When everything in my vision became sharp, people showed up clearer, but so often, they were people trying to hide behind masks of falsehoods. Reality came into view full swing, harsh bitter reality. Perhaps it was just reality biting down on my naive view of the world. That maybe we can all get by a little easier and get along with each other if we blur the lines between each other?
Nowadays, I wear my glasses when I'm not reading, or on my computer. They've been giving me headaches because of the scratches and I probably need a new prescription. Ever since I've started wearing my glasses everyday, I've been more inclined to think depressing thoughts. And I don't know if that's because I'm just in a bad place in my life right now, or if it's some subconscious effort to let my mind know how wearing glasses makes me feel?
Seems odd to invest so much of my time and effort into thinking about my glasses, and how they affect my life. But honestly, it's the little things that matter.
I haven't sharpened my blurry vision enough to forget that fact in all the distractions of reality
404 Cannot find self,ID, or ego
Do you ever feel like you're not really you? Like, the body is nothing but a shell designed to hold your consciousness, or soul so to speak? So when you look out from your eyes, its like seeing hands that responding to what you're making them do, but it's no really a part of you doing it. It's just a relay.
Honestly, Look down at yourself sitting in your chair. You can see your body, look back up and you're seeing the screen again, or perhaps your hands against the keyboard. Are you really you? When you look in the mirror. Are your eyes a gateway to your soul, or just empty caskets reflecting the void that you feel?
When I look in the mirror and see my eyes. I see a gateway, but a gateway to what I don't know. It's not to me. But it doesn't seem like its someone else either. Theres just nothing there. My brain sits in my head connected by electronic passageways and chemical symbols. I know who I am, but I have no real name. My actual name, my given name, the name given to this body of mine, is not me.
When I talk to myself, whether I'm thinking about things, reasoning out a logic problem, or just being frustrated and trying to work out the problems aloud. I talk to 'me' using my given name. But there is a distinction between who I refer to as me, and who I am. I may be talking in circles, but maybe it's just because it's a bit confusing.
If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. It's a line of text going across one of my many Cthulu related wallpapers. Maybe gazing into my own eyes for long periods of times was a bad idea? Maybe I'm just schizophrenic and don't know it yet. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.
Perhaps, this idea of looking out from my brain through my eyes stems from Freudian ideas? Where there is an ID, ego, and super ego. Maybe every person is governed more so by one or the other and this determines how they look at things. If thats the case, I'd have to say I see things from a super-ego perspective. I command myself, and when I'm forced between decisions, I debate and compare the two options thoroughly in a miniature debate in my head first, before the judge, me, determines which action to take.
It's all rather odd.
Honestly, Look down at yourself sitting in your chair. You can see your body, look back up and you're seeing the screen again, or perhaps your hands against the keyboard. Are you really you? When you look in the mirror. Are your eyes a gateway to your soul, or just empty caskets reflecting the void that you feel?
When I look in the mirror and see my eyes. I see a gateway, but a gateway to what I don't know. It's not to me. But it doesn't seem like its someone else either. Theres just nothing there. My brain sits in my head connected by electronic passageways and chemical symbols. I know who I am, but I have no real name. My actual name, my given name, the name given to this body of mine, is not me.
When I talk to myself, whether I'm thinking about things, reasoning out a logic problem, or just being frustrated and trying to work out the problems aloud. I talk to 'me' using my given name. But there is a distinction between who I refer to as me, and who I am. I may be talking in circles, but maybe it's just because it's a bit confusing.
If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. It's a line of text going across one of my many Cthulu related wallpapers. Maybe gazing into my own eyes for long periods of times was a bad idea? Maybe I'm just schizophrenic and don't know it yet. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.
Perhaps, this idea of looking out from my brain through my eyes stems from Freudian ideas? Where there is an ID, ego, and super ego. Maybe every person is governed more so by one or the other and this determines how they look at things. If thats the case, I'd have to say I see things from a super-ego perspective. I command myself, and when I'm forced between decisions, I debate and compare the two options thoroughly in a miniature debate in my head first, before the judge, me, determines which action to take.
It's all rather odd.
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