Sometimes I wonder about other people's perception about me.
Well that's a lie. I don't wonder about it sometimes, I wonder about it all the time. We base our opinions on our perception of people, and it's reasonable to assume they do the same. So it's important that we value the oppinions of other's right? That would be what a person who makes sense does.
So I guess I don't make sense.
The people I'm around on a day to day basis, I feel like they have nothing but praise for me. Praise for hard work done, praise for my standards and rigor in my work. Approval on ideas I have. Everyone tells me I'm smart, that I'm good at things.
I don't understand why.
I don't feel like I am. It'd be a lie for me to say that I don't know I'm a good programmer. I know that I am at a level that is valuable to companies, but I also know that I have so much more I want to learn. So why can't I ever take compliments like "You're the best programmer I know, you're the best in that room you know, you're the smartest out of all of us" to heart? I don't consider them. Maybe it's a self defense mechanism over inflating my own ego.
Being arrogant is bad. I learned that in high school from my friend Shelby. It was my first time having a girlfriend, and I guess it affected me in such a way that I didn't even notice when I made one of my best friends feel like shit. I made them feel like it was wrong to be by yourself, that being happy meant being with someone else. It's not true. Everyone is different, we all need each other, but some of us don't have aspirations or reliance on others in the same way. I realized during the course of those events that arrogance is foolish. You should be confident and assertive about your thoughts and oppinions; but arrogant? Never.
Always check your tongue. Think about what you're going to say before you say it. If it's something that will hurt, or make you look like a dick, don't do it. If you just want to play yourself up in front of someone, make yourself look big to try to impress them. Don't. The only person you should have to impress is yourself. (And maybe your boss at work form time to time). At the end of the day though, it's your own opinion that matters.
Other peoples perception of you is important to consider, but I think that your happiness is determined by your own faith in the value of your life.
So if I don't value my own life, then what does that say about me?
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Masochism and friendship
I wonder if I'm a masochist?
Not in a sexual way, I don't like being hit or anything like that during physical intimacy. But emotionally, I feel like I put myself out into harms way a lot. Being teased, or being led on. I say it's okay and I don't know why. If someone thinks they're leading you on, but you tell them they're not. Even if what they're doing is probably going to hurt you, you keep letting them do it anyway... is that masochism? Or is it just human frailty, wishing for something you know you can't have? Am I so naive? Maybe I have a compulsion to lie about whether I'm in pain or not, delusional I suppose.
People are an interesting bunch. They'll say something without thinking much of it, then immediately throw it into retrospective, recognize a callous remark, and apologize. Happened last night. Talking about how Amazon's profile of me is wrong because it believes that I'm the wrong gender, and offers me clothing that, while I think is nice, I wouldn't order or wear. My friend remarked that maybe it could help me find something nice for my girlfriend. A moment later, they realized what they had said and apologized. I imagine it's a fairly normal slip-up. If you're used to thinking about someone as being another person's significant other, and you don't typically pry into their private life, it's only natural you'd assume no change in that status. With the advent of facebook and most information creeping into the public domain, it's understandable that more people know whether you're single,married,complicated,gay,straight,bi. If someone wants to be an open book they can be.
I don't know if the brain can keep up with that overload of information. Being able to find out information about 300 friends is different from keeping yourself up to date and remembering it all. It was a brief slip, and an apology for possibly bringing up bad thoughts. But truthfully there weren't any. Yes, we're not together anymore. Am I unhappy about it? Of course, she was part of my life for a year in a very significant way, and she is still a driving force in my life since we're maintaining contact. Am I alright? I suppose it depends on your definition or perspective on what a person's state should be.
If you think that a person who just broke up with someone should throw themselves out to the public, make decisions casually about partners and fuck the pain away, then I am not alright. If you think that someone should think deep and hard about their actions, consequences of the past, and try to figure out a plan for the future. Then I'm not alright either. I'm probably somewhere between those. Everyone heals in their own way. I just need time to do so.
I don't like forgetting about people, because I don't want to be forgotten. Being part of someones life is something that's important to me. I don't want to be just another face, just an ex, or just an acquaintance to someone I value. If I value someone's friendship and the relationship I have with someone, then I'd like to see that relationship pushed and fulfilled as entirely as possible. Knowing the limits of a friendship is an important thing, and a limitless friendship sounds more like someone I'd want to be with physically as well.
Sometimes I think that I only ever write a couple paragraphs about whatever I was thinking at the time I opened my browser to write, and then get horribly distracted by other thoughts. blogging ADHD anyone?
Not in a sexual way, I don't like being hit or anything like that during physical intimacy. But emotionally, I feel like I put myself out into harms way a lot. Being teased, or being led on. I say it's okay and I don't know why. If someone thinks they're leading you on, but you tell them they're not. Even if what they're doing is probably going to hurt you, you keep letting them do it anyway... is that masochism? Or is it just human frailty, wishing for something you know you can't have? Am I so naive? Maybe I have a compulsion to lie about whether I'm in pain or not, delusional I suppose.
People are an interesting bunch. They'll say something without thinking much of it, then immediately throw it into retrospective, recognize a callous remark, and apologize. Happened last night. Talking about how Amazon's profile of me is wrong because it believes that I'm the wrong gender, and offers me clothing that, while I think is nice, I wouldn't order or wear. My friend remarked that maybe it could help me find something nice for my girlfriend. A moment later, they realized what they had said and apologized. I imagine it's a fairly normal slip-up. If you're used to thinking about someone as being another person's significant other, and you don't typically pry into their private life, it's only natural you'd assume no change in that status. With the advent of facebook and most information creeping into the public domain, it's understandable that more people know whether you're single,married,complicated,gay,straight,bi. If someone wants to be an open book they can be.
I don't know if the brain can keep up with that overload of information. Being able to find out information about 300 friends is different from keeping yourself up to date and remembering it all. It was a brief slip, and an apology for possibly bringing up bad thoughts. But truthfully there weren't any. Yes, we're not together anymore. Am I unhappy about it? Of course, she was part of my life for a year in a very significant way, and she is still a driving force in my life since we're maintaining contact. Am I alright? I suppose it depends on your definition or perspective on what a person's state should be.
If you think that a person who just broke up with someone should throw themselves out to the public, make decisions casually about partners and fuck the pain away, then I am not alright. If you think that someone should think deep and hard about their actions, consequences of the past, and try to figure out a plan for the future. Then I'm not alright either. I'm probably somewhere between those. Everyone heals in their own way. I just need time to do so.
I don't like forgetting about people, because I don't want to be forgotten. Being part of someones life is something that's important to me. I don't want to be just another face, just an ex, or just an acquaintance to someone I value. If I value someone's friendship and the relationship I have with someone, then I'd like to see that relationship pushed and fulfilled as entirely as possible. Knowing the limits of a friendship is an important thing, and a limitless friendship sounds more like someone I'd want to be with physically as well.
Sometimes I think that I only ever write a couple paragraphs about whatever I was thinking at the time I opened my browser to write, and then get horribly distracted by other thoughts. blogging ADHD anyone?
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Never getting medical treatment again
I had a visit to the ER about a month ago. Went through the whole thing in pain, dealing with doctors, new experiences, and painful IV's. Wanted more than 1 person with me, but my dad was the only one there for me.
Anyway, I just got around to looking at the claims on my insurance and I don't like it. The way something says pending, but has the full cost of the visit listed under the 'insured responsibility" is not encouraging. Especially when the cost if a large amount for someone in my position. I don't understand. Why are hospitals so damn expensive? I understand a lot of work, training, and effort go into maintaining the staff, building, and technologies. But I don't think they should cost that much, especially with the amount of people they see everyday.
If private companies really need to make money that bad, then why can't they move to a less... neccesary part of life? It's stupid because the 'treatment' I received was something I could have done myself if I had known what was wrong with me. It's stupid to think otherwise. Yes, they gave me some drugs to help ease some pain and some to make the circumstances of my illness more manageable, but to be honest I would have been fine without either one.
Seriously. I feel like my life has taken a nose dive since right before Christmas time. Losing my relationship, my money to bills, my friends to time constraints and over attached significant others. My hair is already beginning to grey a little, I have physical illnesses, get aches and pains. Am I aging 20 years in a matter of a month or something insane? I swear, the only thing that could make this worse is getting something like carpal tunnel or arthritis. My hands are my livelihood. On top of physical issues, there's always emotional ones. Difficult life decisions are already rearing their heads, and somehow I have to manage all these things while maintaining three jobs, two organizations, and my own personal life. Seriously. Where the hell is my free time and why does everything go wrong when I need it not to?
It's shit like this that makes me fine with losing my religion. I used to be religious, when I was a child. I used to honestly believe in God, I prayed every night. Praying for things I knew I could never accomplish. And there were never answers. There was one moment of peace and clairvoyance when I was very young. But I don't chalk that up to any sort of benevolent being. I differ it to that qoute amoung qoutes. "Religion is the opium of the masses" Well, for a brief time I was clouded, deluded and put under that spell. I don't testify that there is no god. You can't prove the existence of one either way. And it is hard to understand where anyone or anything originally came from. The concept of something from nothing is impossible to understand because it is impossible for humans to grasp the concept of nothingness. You may think that you do. You're wrong. Nothingness is not something that can be comprehended, because for it to be comprehended would imply that there is something there. Nothingness by definition is the absence of all. And if something is absent, then how could something come and grow from it? It's an endless cycle of debates and name calling if a debate between a religious person and a supposed heretic occurs.
Anyway, before I get too lost in that. I don't have reason to believe in a God that hasn't shown himself to me. Religious people could argue many things to me, that I'm turning a blind eye, that I'm wrong and all my 'gifts' and talents stem from his love for me. There are so many things that they could say. So many words I've heard before. It's not that they've fallen on deaf ears, I did try. But disappointment is an amazing thing. If you prayed as a child with complete faith in him for something, and it never happened. Then how are you to believe the 'faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains' line? Am I supposed to believe that I am another Job? Being punished in some way and that I am to maintain a faith during this trial? I can't remember the name of the character in the bible, it wasn't job I was thinking of originally. There's another story involving someone whom God just punished and killed for no reason and the whole time he kept his faith in him. It makes no goddamn sense.
I don't think people who believe in the existence of God are stupid or wrong. I find it illogical to do such a thing. But I understand that religion (or if you're a christian, relationship with God/Jesus) is a comforting thing for people who cannot embrace the world as a one shot opportunity. After all, to die is to fall into nothingness. And as I said, nothingness is incomprehensible. Humanities solution? Come up with a crockpot of incomprehensible religious propaganda. Fight incomprehsible with incomprehensible. Because one intractable problem deserves another, no?
All of that aside. I don't know why I'm on such a stint with this. I didn't intend to discuss religion. Just my shitty time with dealing with medical installations and insurance. Whatever. I'm tired of being put through so much shit. I know that somewhere someone is enduring more than I could ever imagine to bare, but that's not my life. As selfish as it is to say that. It's not my problem right now, my problem's right now weigh more heavily in my mind than someone starving halfway around the world. Self interest is something everyone tends to put forward. Even selfless people can be selfish sometimes. It's human nature. Everynow and then we all need to have a pity party. It's healthy I suppose. Ironic... maybe I should stop being so damn optimistic all the time so I can have a healthy little pity party.
Sigh. This is how I feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpmYgWFoY8E
Anyway, I just got around to looking at the claims on my insurance and I don't like it. The way something says pending, but has the full cost of the visit listed under the 'insured responsibility" is not encouraging. Especially when the cost if a large amount for someone in my position. I don't understand. Why are hospitals so damn expensive? I understand a lot of work, training, and effort go into maintaining the staff, building, and technologies. But I don't think they should cost that much, especially with the amount of people they see everyday.
If private companies really need to make money that bad, then why can't they move to a less... neccesary part of life? It's stupid because the 'treatment' I received was something I could have done myself if I had known what was wrong with me. It's stupid to think otherwise. Yes, they gave me some drugs to help ease some pain and some to make the circumstances of my illness more manageable, but to be honest I would have been fine without either one.
Seriously. I feel like my life has taken a nose dive since right before Christmas time. Losing my relationship, my money to bills, my friends to time constraints and over attached significant others. My hair is already beginning to grey a little, I have physical illnesses, get aches and pains. Am I aging 20 years in a matter of a month or something insane? I swear, the only thing that could make this worse is getting something like carpal tunnel or arthritis. My hands are my livelihood. On top of physical issues, there's always emotional ones. Difficult life decisions are already rearing their heads, and somehow I have to manage all these things while maintaining three jobs, two organizations, and my own personal life. Seriously. Where the hell is my free time and why does everything go wrong when I need it not to?
It's shit like this that makes me fine with losing my religion. I used to be religious, when I was a child. I used to honestly believe in God, I prayed every night. Praying for things I knew I could never accomplish. And there were never answers. There was one moment of peace and clairvoyance when I was very young. But I don't chalk that up to any sort of benevolent being. I differ it to that qoute amoung qoutes. "Religion is the opium of the masses" Well, for a brief time I was clouded, deluded and put under that spell. I don't testify that there is no god. You can't prove the existence of one either way. And it is hard to understand where anyone or anything originally came from. The concept of something from nothing is impossible to understand because it is impossible for humans to grasp the concept of nothingness. You may think that you do. You're wrong. Nothingness is not something that can be comprehended, because for it to be comprehended would imply that there is something there. Nothingness by definition is the absence of all. And if something is absent, then how could something come and grow from it? It's an endless cycle of debates and name calling if a debate between a religious person and a supposed heretic occurs.
Anyway, before I get too lost in that. I don't have reason to believe in a God that hasn't shown himself to me. Religious people could argue many things to me, that I'm turning a blind eye, that I'm wrong and all my 'gifts' and talents stem from his love for me. There are so many things that they could say. So many words I've heard before. It's not that they've fallen on deaf ears, I did try. But disappointment is an amazing thing. If you prayed as a child with complete faith in him for something, and it never happened. Then how are you to believe the 'faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains' line? Am I supposed to believe that I am another Job? Being punished in some way and that I am to maintain a faith during this trial? I can't remember the name of the character in the bible, it wasn't job I was thinking of originally. There's another story involving someone whom God just punished and killed for no reason and the whole time he kept his faith in him. It makes no goddamn sense.
I don't think people who believe in the existence of God are stupid or wrong. I find it illogical to do such a thing. But I understand that religion (or if you're a christian, relationship with God/Jesus) is a comforting thing for people who cannot embrace the world as a one shot opportunity. After all, to die is to fall into nothingness. And as I said, nothingness is incomprehensible. Humanities solution? Come up with a crockpot of incomprehensible religious propaganda. Fight incomprehsible with incomprehensible. Because one intractable problem deserves another, no?
All of that aside. I don't know why I'm on such a stint with this. I didn't intend to discuss religion. Just my shitty time with dealing with medical installations and insurance. Whatever. I'm tired of being put through so much shit. I know that somewhere someone is enduring more than I could ever imagine to bare, but that's not my life. As selfish as it is to say that. It's not my problem right now, my problem's right now weigh more heavily in my mind than someone starving halfway around the world. Self interest is something everyone tends to put forward. Even selfless people can be selfish sometimes. It's human nature. Everynow and then we all need to have a pity party. It's healthy I suppose. Ironic... maybe I should stop being so damn optimistic all the time so I can have a healthy little pity party.
Sigh. This is how I feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpmYgWFoY8E
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
2 Dears now 1
Even as I walked to my car I began feeling it. When I opened my door I was fighting it. When I sat in the car I let it out. I stay there a couple minutes in my dark car. No lights. No music. And I cried. When I felt like there was nothing more to come out. I started the engine and began pulling out. It felt awful. I almost began crying again, but started repeating outloud: "You are ok. You are ok. You are ok" like some kind of self hypnosis medication. It helped stop the tears. As I drove farther away the words changed, pulsing with the beat of my music. "There is nothing wrong with being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone." As I stopped at stop sign and pulled out to the road along the lake. "There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you." My hands clenched the steering wheel at 2 and 10, my eyes staring out at the road, being careful since it was foggy. "You are ok. You are ok." Turning out on the main road, my eyes began to tear again. "There is nothing wrong with being by yourself. There is nothing wrong with being by yourself." I turned the music up, my eyes fixated on the road ahead of me. The speed limit perfectly follow, last thing I wanted was to explain to a cop why my eyes were red. "You are fine. You are fine." The long narrow stretch of road. "There is nothing wrong with being yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you, you are ok". The tears had stopped, but the words hadn't. "You are ok. You're ok." I heard my voice, but it sounded so far away. I drove on. "I deserve the best. I deserve the best."
I saw something very still on the side of the road. "You are ok, You are ok". Peering into the dark, I saw the outline of a deer. I looked at it. As I drove by it, it's head turned and followed mine as I felt our eyes lock for a moment. Odd this coincidence. I recall one time in the summer when two dear jumped across our path on this road. Only, those two deer had been frolicking happily, girl and boy in love. Deer and Stag in love. And now, the odd coincidence of the night that is finalizing our departure from each other in some respects. I see a single deer. Gone is it's mate. For a moment in time, I felt a kinship with the creature. It's stupid and illogical, but the coincidence is well welcome as an interesting event in my life where things matched up a little.
Is it so strange that I told none of my family members? Even though I have had the chance for weeks now to tell them about the break up. But yet, its still a surprise to them. The only person awake, my brother, has already texted me "wtf" and "what happened". His incredulity is refreshing. I think that he liked Amanda even if he didn't really know her that much and she didn't especially like him. I think he could see the kindness in her.
I feel very. Odd. Repeating myself over and over until I didn't even recognize my voice was interesting. And crying so much is bizarre for me, not that I don't have good reason. It's interesting. I don't know what to feel. But I know that I feel love for her still. She has been a light to me for a year. How could I not be upset? and yet I feel ok after the long drive home of repeating myself like a crazy person.
I saw something very still on the side of the road. "You are ok, You are ok". Peering into the dark, I saw the outline of a deer. I looked at it. As I drove by it, it's head turned and followed mine as I felt our eyes lock for a moment. Odd this coincidence. I recall one time in the summer when two dear jumped across our path on this road. Only, those two deer had been frolicking happily, girl and boy in love. Deer and Stag in love. And now, the odd coincidence of the night that is finalizing our departure from each other in some respects. I see a single deer. Gone is it's mate. For a moment in time, I felt a kinship with the creature. It's stupid and illogical, but the coincidence is well welcome as an interesting event in my life where things matched up a little.
Is it so strange that I told none of my family members? Even though I have had the chance for weeks now to tell them about the break up. But yet, its still a surprise to them. The only person awake, my brother, has already texted me "wtf" and "what happened". His incredulity is refreshing. I think that he liked Amanda even if he didn't really know her that much and she didn't especially like him. I think he could see the kindness in her.
I feel very. Odd. Repeating myself over and over until I didn't even recognize my voice was interesting. And crying so much is bizarre for me, not that I don't have good reason. It's interesting. I don't know what to feel. But I know that I feel love for her still. She has been a light to me for a year. How could I not be upset? and yet I feel ok after the long drive home of repeating myself like a crazy person.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Bad day
Well today has kinda sucked.
It started off with the typical 500 days of summer reenactment of expectations versus reality. and surprise surprise. disappointment galore. I'm just stupid though, seriously would did I expect to happen? Something hopelessly romantic? Well tough luck, life's a bitch. Then being surrounded by couples seriously doesn't help. And then nothing and a change of pace.
I don't know. I don't know what I'm expecting from life anymore. I don't know what I should expect from life anymore. Should I even expect anything? Is there even a reason to? Why do I even bother with half the stuff I do? What am I gaining from it? Or am I just that much of a pathetic fuck that I like being used and tossed aside with nothing?
Why am I so fucked up?
It started off with the typical 500 days of summer reenactment of expectations versus reality. and surprise surprise. disappointment galore. I'm just stupid though, seriously would did I expect to happen? Something hopelessly romantic? Well tough luck, life's a bitch. Then being surrounded by couples seriously doesn't help. And then nothing and a change of pace.
I don't know. I don't know what I'm expecting from life anymore. I don't know what I should expect from life anymore. Should I even expect anything? Is there even a reason to? Why do I even bother with half the stuff I do? What am I gaining from it? Or am I just that much of a pathetic fuck that I like being used and tossed aside with nothing?
Why am I so fucked up?
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