My birthday! PLUS! Awkard.... freshmen has a crush on me (facepalm)

<awkward> Skip to the birthday part... is more interesting...

It's not easy being strong in your relationships with people. 

There's many different kinds of relationships. There are ones that straddle the boundary between love and hate, there are ones that feel awkward and won't stand the test of time. They're ones that fall between true friends and love. And there's so much between. 

In each relationship there's always a duality. Two opposing forces. Many times they're not opposing and they work in harmony, other times they're completely at odds. Seeing differences and reveling in them is what makes life, love, relationships, and being human unique. 

I find that a lot of the time in relationships I like to walk a line. I try to be a mature individual. I put my heart on my sleeve and let people know what I'm thinking. I like to let it all out and see what the world thinks. And then when the world doesn't like it, I tell it to shove off and that I'll be who I am. 

A friend of mine accidentally  sent me a text intended for a different one. And in that text she said that her heart had dropped a bit because she had overhead a conversation that implied that I liked a girl. I honestly have no idea what conversation she heard (I was ecstatic about a presentation I gave today and didn't even talk about any girls at all while I was in the lab, hell I'm not currently pursuing any romantic interests), but whatever she heard I guess was one of those moments. 

You know the moment, when you've fallen for someone and you find out they really like someone else or something. That feeling of having your hopes dashed. That curl in your stomach and blank feel that washes over you. Falls through your mouth and into your legs. Any amount of hope you had built up involving a relationship with that other falls apart. I know the feeling well, I used to pine after girls in middle and high school, knowing full well that I would never be with them, that they'd date other people and that I would feel like crap doing it. I never dropped those though and went for 'an easy' girlfriend or something. Anyway, high school aside, I know the feeling. And suddenly I was on the other end of it.

Well not that sudden, I mean, you have to be completely oblivious to not get the feeling that someone likes you a bit more than as a friend. Chatting you up whenever you're online, talking to you when they normally have trouble talking to other people. Etc etc. But even though I knew that, I decided it didn't really change much. I decided that she was my friend and that's what she was. I'd be nice to this girl. This girl who seems to have a few family issues, some self esteem and social discomfort. When you meet someone and you see someone who wants to come out of their shell but doesn't know how. You just want to help them embrace being alive and in a social environment, learning to be comfortable talking in front of people and not so stricken by social anxiety that they can't function well. 

So there's that. She accidentally sent me that text, I asked what conversation she had heard (because I certainly had no clue what she was talking about), she realized who she had sent the text and asked me to please please forget that that had just happened. ...Obviously not something I can do. So I talked to her, told her it was fine. She told me that even though she's had a crush on me, she's been trying to stop having a crush on me, she described it as hopeless. It pains me because I know exactly how she feels. And really it's a phase. It's a growing pain that quiet people have to go through. That moment when you have to actually confront someone with your feelings. And while she never intended to do it. It happened. So I was trying to help her through with it in the most gentle way I could. 

I have this issue with trying to be nice. The problem is that I try to be nice. You can't be nice with people all the time, set's false expectations. Sometimes you have to be mean. But there I was, trying to be nice, giving her advice on how to work through her issue of crushing on someone and them not having the same feelings back. What a weird scenario, right? Normally that kind of thing happens with a friend, not with the person who you like being the one giving you advice on how not to like them... how fucked up is that? 

I mean, what do you really tell people in a situation like that? I dunno. It's crazy. I honestly don't know how to really deal with someone crushing on me. It's not a situation I'm used to (oh woe is me no one likes me -- not. I've got a life to live, no crap pity thoughts like that for me). 
</awkward>

It's my birthday tomorrow. 

People seem to think it's weird when I'm not excited for my birthday. There are reasons. Most of them meh ones, some of them good ones. But I've just never really cared for it. It's not that I don't like seeing people, and having everyone wish me nice thoughts. But I guess, I haven't really done anything worth celebrating yet. Like, being born took no effort on my part. That was all on my parents. My mom when giving birth to me (Gross) and my dad when he had to take care of my mom for 9 months and cater to whatever crazy whims she had. All I've done since being born has been to get messed up, fix myself, get messed up, fix myself. etc etc until college when I suppose I have a few more accomplishments to mention (paper published, winning a competition with some friends, being a leader in my community, etc etc).

Even though these accomplishments sound nice on paper, does it really do anything? Eh... no. I want to make a difference in someones life. I want to create something that will change people's lives for the better. And if I can't do that, I'd like to settle down with someone somewhere and be the difference in their life. ... I'm selfish though, so I'd prefer to have a larger accomplishment than marriage. (Is that too awful of me to say? I dunno maybe)

Anywho. I guess it's nice to be celebrated for a day. But this year there will be nothing. My parent's aren't coming up to visit (they've come up every year), there's no girlfriend to give me a present this year and visit (that's fine, just mentioning it because that's a difference between this and last year), none of my friends have ever really gotten me a gift. I probably won't spend money on anything for myself besides a double neat grey goose with a splash of cran at the bar (I like my vodka as straight as it can be with a bit of red). And I'll be in class then at work. And the day will pass just like any other. In 48 or so minutes I'll be one the 24 hour road to being 22. The evil age that means I've managed to make it another 4 years through schooling and have to go on to the next step.

My ex has been reminding me of my birthday for the last 2 days. I really hate calling her my ex, because that sounds like she's not a part of my life anymore or something but that's a total lie. I don't like to use name's on my blog. Naming people just... it's not good I think. So I just have to refer to her as my ex I guess. Anyway, she's been reminding me for the last 2 days. And honestly it's nice. I like being remembered. I remember telling her about one of my fears, the fear of being forgotten and not making a difference anywhere and just being... gone. She told me she wouldn't forget me. A hard to believe statement to be honest. It's easy to fall out of contact with people and start to forget them, so I really can't expect her to maintain a promise like not forgetting me. It's the same kind of thing as how some people are busy all the time. It doesn't matter how busy you are. If you actually care and love someone, you can pretty much always make time for them. I suppose if you care and really love someone you'd never forget them. But emotions are tricky so you can never be sure that someone else feels the same way about you as you do them. I know that I won't ever forget my first. My second I forget frequently (it was a series of bad decisions), my third... her and I are still good friends but tend to just catch up every now and then and besides that live pretty separate lives.  With my most recent ex.... I don't know. I'd like to think that she won't forget me, but I just can't believe in something like that... not that I don't want to, but just that telling yourself that someone will always be there for  you (because they said they would be).... it's hard. So far that promise has been there, even if I wish that she had more time to talk to me everynow and then (I worry about her because she's so busy and stressed and I really do want her to succeed in everything and have an amazing life. She's a fantastic person so I really am cheering in the crowd for her and wishing her the best and all the happiness). Jesus christ... before I keep talking in circles about how much I love my friends (including my ex because she's one of those special people who fall into the best friend radius) let me get back to the point.... which.. right. She's texted me each day over the past couple of days with a countdown of my birthday. And it's felt really nice to have someone.... looking forward to it I suppose. Because I never do, and yet... here's this person who --if I think about it a bit-- is genuinely happy that I'm alive. That I was born. That I met them and am their friend. I suppose, while maybe that's not the sentiment she wants to send and I'm just feeling sappy and interpretting it this way, I'm just happy about it. So I guess. If you read this, thank you. I dunno if you'll get past that part about my other friend having a crush on me. I don't know if I'd want to read that either. (such a weird scenario! HELP!)

dAnywho. I guess what I don't like about my birthday is pretending to be happy about it. Like, people will find out and they'll smile real big and be like OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOOOO and if you're just... if you just half smile and go.. "oh yeah thanks" they wonder if somethings wrong with you. And so I learned that lesson over a few years and learned that if I don't want to be bothered by people I have to pretend to be happy about it. But really, what's so bad about not being happy on your birthday? I don't see a specific reason why I should be happy I was put in this body. Talk about bipolar.... up there I'm talking about how I'm happy my friend (that's a better way than saying my ex!) remembered me and has been counting down to it. It honestly has meant the world to me over the past few days. One of those little beacons of sunshine in a stressed up week.

Anyway. Before I just keep blathering about how awesome my friends are and how supportive they are of the things I do and that I'm really lucky. I suppose I'll just stop writing. Talking about my friends support in the things I do and struggle with is a WHOLE other post. k bai

PAX East

Why do people have such a huge issue with gender bending?

Yesterday was my second time bending my gender a bit for fun and amusement. On halloween I dressed up like a girl to get laughs out of my friends. And it worked. It was harmless fun. But my ex really didn't like it and got upset at me. Yesterday I went to PAX East dressed as Youmu Konpaku from Touhou, and I had my friend make my costume and teach me how to do makeup so that I'd be able to pull off the cosplay well. Right now both my parents are assaulting me with questions about why their son is looking like a daughter.

Seriously what the fuck. Take a goddamn chill pill. It wasn't even my idea to begin with. My friend D asked if I wanted to go to PAX, liking video games I said yes. She wanted to cosplay as Nova from Starcraft, but she didn't want to be the only person cosplaying. So I told her I would cosplay with her. She was looking for ideas and then remembered that I had dressed up as a girl for halloween. So with an evil little smile she asked me if I would cosplay as a girl with her. I don't have a problem putting on different clothes. They're just clothes. I am who I am, so it doesn't bother me what I wear as long as I make it look good.

So I said yes. And we looked around and eventually I decided on Youmu because I play as her when I play Touhou and she had a simple outfit that my friend could make really easily. Over the last couple months we've planned it out and this past week really finished everything up. My friend waited a bit to make my costume, (she's got tons of homework all the time and is really busy) and ended up staying up all night finishing the blouse and not being able to finish the vest. Which is sad because it would have tied the whole thing together, and I was a bit sad because the vest is what would have really said "Hey I'm Youmu!" But that's ok because this random asian dude recognized who I was so I gave him a high five and it made my day.

I got to meet up with my friend E who I haven't seen in a year, I was with my friend A, it was funny. He was like: Oh hey its A, and whose this chick with him, oh god I know you!!! It was really funny.

I got to play Steel Battalion Line of Contact and won 1st place in every match I played, which made me smile because the idea of a guy dressed up as a dollish girl beating a bunch of people is funny to me.

Those were the fun bits, well, being dressed up as a character you like is fun in itself. Doesn't matter if it's a girl or boy. If you're cosplaying something you like you cosplay it. No one cares if you have to gender bend, or at least no one at the convention. People are plenty amused when you can pull it off. And it makes you feel good when you do.

It's not that I'm trying to be something I'm not. I'm being who I am. Who I am is someone who has fun. Who doesn't care if people think I'm weird for pretending to be the other gender. Honestly, why should I care what you think about what I'm doing? People's oppinions are there own and why I base a lot of things off other peoples opinions (See previous blogs posts about perception) when it comes down to it, who you are is who you let yourself be and what you allow to affect you. Whether or not I look like a boy or a girl doesn't matter.

There are plenty of countries out there where there are more than 2 recognized genders. Why does the US have to be so damn binary about it? I hate being minimalized and made to feel like there's something wrong with me because I like to do stuff that other people don't (And sometimes refuse to) understand.

People are just so judgemental and it's really hard to deal with when it's your own family or someone close to you passing that judgement about something that you really love to do. I love cosplaying as a character I like. And if I cosplay, then I will do it the best I can. If I cosplay a girl then I'm going to make myself as passable and attractive girl as I can. I sent a pic to my friend M and she showed it to her lesbian friend and she ranked me an 8. Which made me pretty happy considering that I don't think of myself as an attractive guy, so it's nice to know that when I do pretend to be someone else it works out and makes me seem more attractive. Because being considered attractive is really nice. I don't care if I look like a boy or girl, if you look attractive you look attractive and that's nice. Compliments are compliments.

GAH! I had a lot of fun being dressed up. I knew that there would be people who wouldn't understand how I can 'be ok' with dressing up. And that would just be like : Well He's obviously fucked in the head becuase he doesn't conform to my idea of gender role. Well fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I knew that there would be people like that. But I didn't expect it to be my own parents.

Seriously. Fuck off so I can do some science in peace. Maybe I'll dress up like a girl just to fucking spite all of you. Teach you that I really don't give a shit about what you think. My friend E had that crafty look on his face and he almost made a bet with me then decided against it because the last bet he made with me he lost. (He bet me 20 bucks that I wouldn't listen to the inception horn 10 hour long video straight. I did it and recorded it for proof and he gave me 20 bucks). It was funny when he started asking it, "hmmm noo no I wont do that" "what?" "I was gonna make a bet with you to go around like that for a week but I know you'll do it and I'll lose money so no" "haha I would do it hah!"

GAH. I'm alternating between remembering the good parts of being dressed up and how fun it was, and how angry I am at people who have such an issue with it. Why? Why did they have to phrase there goddamn questions like that. "Why does my son look like a daughter?" As if there's something wrong with that. Fuck your tone. Fuck your prejudice. Fuck your judgement on something that I love. fuck you

In a single word I think I can sum this all up. FUCK

Post from Slashdot

http://games.slashdot.org/story/13/03/12/0238239/dad-hacks-donkey-kong---now-pauline-rescues-mario

Whiney Mac Fanboy:

In response to “You seriously think Lara Croft isn’t a sex object? Post on Slashdot

-

SmallFurryCreature

Since I have no reason to hate you with a passion, I won't suggest you watch Twilight but aren't the males in that drivel just as much sex objects?

What really is the difference between Lara Croft and Fabian? Don't know who he is? Google it and you will find he is a model who appears on countless romance novel covers and NOT because he is a novelist.

Sex... wasn't really all that much a part of the original Tomb Raider. yes, she had big polygons, which most of the time you don't see since the camera is behind her. Meanwhile the women in Planescape: Torment had FAR bigger tits but nobody complained about that. Because part of the reason to have big tits in low-rez games was so the tits would be visible at all.

In Israel right now there is a law banning thin models. To protect the feelings of the whales. Because the only thin women are freaks who don't eat of course, not just a normal percentage of women who just happen to not overeat and have a natural slender built. To protect one groups feelings, another group is excluded. For every a-cup girl supposedly offended by doubt D Lara, there is a double D girl offended by every small titted heroine. Can't girls with big busts be heroes or are they condemned like blondes to always be stupid whores?

HERE IS THE SECRET

Every personality you see in the media, is a role. Doesn't matter whether you like said role or not. It is a role. Every actor acts a role defined by the writer. Media can NEVER show reality (which is why people who take 1984 as a prophecy as such idiots) because the writer WROTE everything as if he/she was god. A personality is self-destructive or succesful because the writer made it to be like that. In Far Cry 3 and the new Tomb Raider the "hero" goes from a snivelling coward to lean mean well adjusted killing machine because that was what the writers put in the plot. A different writer could just as easily have written a plot showing how both lapse into insanity. When backdraft was made, fire departments around the world saw an increase in volunteers and Pretty Woman has been claimed to have caused an increase in girls thinking prostitution always has an happy ending... for the girl. Mind you, the postman always ring twice didn't see more people wanting to be postman. Because the writers made on proffesion seem heroic while the other... wasn't. And many movies have shown hookers in bad light. The role an actor plays is not real.

REAL people are often WAY more complex then can be put in a 1.5 hour movie. Lara Croft breasts are often the joke of back pains... and? This is well known among women and those who live in the same world as them. Breast reduction surgery does exist and STILL women with small breasts want to be sultry big bossomed and big breasted women want to be slender and cute. And men want big cocks despite most women not particularly liking to be stretched to wide or to deep while men with actual big penisses wish that girls wouldn't run out the door when they get naked. We all want what we can't have because SURELY the grass is greener on the other side, so we all climb the fence and never wonder why so many people are climbing the other way.

BUT it is NOT the media's fault, it is our own.

Take publicity shots for say Star Wars. You can probably find some of Carry Fisher in her metal bikini and say "fan service". That is because all the pictures of Harrison Ford strutting it, don't appeal to YOU. But they ARE fanservice to a LOT of women. You drooled over Leia, they drooled over Han. Or Luke. Or Obi-Wan... women are weird or Jabba... my gf picked me after all.

You might think that a Lord of the Rings does not have much fanservice but just search the net. So... does that make the characters sex symbols? YES! Just not to you, but if SOMEONE drools over it, it is a sex symbol.

Sex sells, it always has done and both genders lap it up.

Sexism is only seeing it in one gender. Note the Israeli law on thin models ONLY applies to females. Because everyone knows bulemia is bad for girls. Body building for guys where they inject themselves with hormones and painkillers, that is a-okay.

If Lara Croft was solely designed as a sex symbol, the shower scene in the game would actually have shown anything, her clothes would have torn, the camera would be centered on her front and she wouldn't be completely a-sexual in her activities. OR she is just a game hero packaged attractively. No different from say Master Chef from Halo. Lara is designed to make the player "gosh, she is nice, I wish I had a gf like that" while Halo is designed to make the player think "I look like that, I am macho sitting in my undies with my xbox".

Sex sells, spotting the titty sell is a bit easier then spotting the macho sell. But it is there. And BOTH sides got it.

Home on Vacation so far. Friends fighting, highschool music. strangers

Well. It's Spring Break! Time for fun, friends, and recuperation.

So far I've had a bit of fun, a bit of friends, and a bit of recuperation. Not as much as I'd hoped for I guess. But for now it will do. Today was kinda iffy today though. I made plans to hang out with someone, and I was really excited. But then they were really tired, so when I got to their place, they went to sleep. I hung out with a roommate of theirs --and a friend of mine, for 5 hours. Eventually though, the roommate's girlfriend showed up and he went into their bedroom to get some loving in. So I sat there alone in a living room for a few minutes, finding my jacket and went off to walmart to shop for my lunches this week. My parents have been having trouble financially this year, and it's showing through by the requests my mother makes of me. It's fine, but it just hits home when you're told you need to buy your own food, replace all the gas you use in any car (setting the trip meter to 0, then multiplying the ending trip meter by .6 to figure out how much will need to go into the gas tank), and in general, being told that you pretty much have a place to stay, but you're providing for yourself. It's not exactly what I think of as a vacation. I guess, coming back to your parents house on a break, you expect some sort of comfort. The comfort that being with family can bring, especially your parents who you know love you completely. Yet... I don't know. I guess my coming home is a burden to them. And I feel like I'm a burden to my friends. And just... yeah. I'm trying to stay positive, but really the only time I write blog posts (for the most part) is when I'm upset, because that's when I need to write it out and get it out. When we're happy we want to share it with people, but typically you share it with people directly. This blog is more like my private corner of the world where I can just say all the awful things that march through my head day after day, where I don't have to worry about people accusing my of throwing a pity party, reflecting too much in my past, or anything like that. It's where I can just let myself come through, which is really nice. It's not something I always get to do in regular day life.

I guess, what's been bothering me a little recently is how distant so many of my friends feel. I don't feel like I'm still a part of any of their lives. It's more like, hey I'm home and we'll hang out, but they wouldn't go out of their way for it. I just feel like a stranger. A stranger at my friends houses, a stranger in my own home, no matter what I do it's like I don't belong. Plus there's some "in-fighting" I guess between a few of my friends. They're all roommates, so they have to deal with each other a lot, and one of them is an apathetic wall, he's one of my best friends, but he's an emo kid sometimes and tends to be... less than empathetic to peoples issues and can be self centered alot. ... I'm not describing him in a very positive light. He is a great guy, a smart one who can  give some really great advice sometimes. But, his other roommates really hate living with him. Now I don't live with them, so I don't know everything that happens. But it just sucks seeing your friends not get along. And then I come along, want to be with all of them, and even if I get them all together, it's awkward because they'll bitch at each other. Or sometimes I feel like I organize an event. And then instead of participating I just sit back and watch it happen. It's nice to observe though. I don't know if it's such a bad thing, but with all the "stranger" feelings, it sucks to do that and then feel like you're not even a part of something you helped create.

I listened to an old cd, Showbiz by Muse. One of my favorite albums. A lot of emotion in that album and it reminds me strongly of my highschool years. I think it's funny how no matter how crappy things get, you can always turn back to the things you enjoyed in the past and find solace. Listening to music makes me feel better sometimes, othertimes I just feel... well. Whatever the song is trying to convey. And if it's a good song, then I'll feel it hard. Music is an amazing thing.