Well. I'm really not sure.
There's different levels of friendship with people. Everyone knows the 'best' friend, and people who they are acquaintances with. But all the inbetweens are so vague. And the ever shifting space of friendship between two people is a dynamic one.
In the beginning, you start off as new acquaintances. You don't know each other well, but you might have a few things in common, or hung out a few times. Enough to say hi to each other in passing.
Then there are classmate level friends. These are people who you're willing to hold a conversation with, but the only thing you have to talk about is the work, the teacher, and anything that actually pertains to the class itself. Sure you might be able to make small chat besides that, but for the most part, your relationship is defined primarily by the classwork.
Classmate and Work friends are very similar. And I'd consider them the same thing. Except maybe you're more likely to go out to a bar with work friends and get drunk enough to know each other a bit more than if you just shared a classroom.
Friends. These are people who you'll hang out with frequently or infrequently and you'll end up having shared experiences together, typically with more meaning than 'we took a class together'. More like, the kind of people you go on a trip with, or go out with on weekends. Even people who just hang out with all the time, in a lab, playing games outside or inside. These are your friends. You don't really bring up too many intimate things with them, but you know that you probably could ask for their advice if you need it.
Close friends. People who you can talk to about more private things, that won't blab it everywhere or gossip. These are people you can call good or close friends. You don't reveal everything to them, but you're comfortable bringing up hardships and seeking advice from them.
Best friends. The people you can tell almost anything to and you know that you won't be judged too harshly for it, that you'll get back their honest thoughts and oppinions on it, and they'll let you know if you're being an idiot or foolish.
I feel like as I make my way through life, slowly I'm narrowing my friends down to only close and best friends. That's not saying I don't have the other 3, I have plenty of those, but I see them so little that they're not a significant feature of my life, and I don't think about them that often. I keep in touch with my close and best friends whether they're here at school, or back in the home state. Although, I think I'd have to add some type of level above best friend. I have two friends who I know I could tell anything to and they would support me no matter what. Well, they don't know everything about me, there's another person who I consider a friend, but the kind of friend I can bring up certain things that other people would find awkward (read kinky sex related) with and talk about freely and not worry about it. Her and I used to have a sort of relationship, so we have a level of intimacy that makes me comfortable with telling her all about my bedroom behavior. Anywho, not what I wanted to talk about. The other two, I could seriously tell anything to. I don't know what I would do without them. Especially since recently I've been reconciling a lot of feelings I've had for a long time, and trying to come to terms with them. It's hard. It really is, and it's not something I'm even comfortable taking about openly on the internet, even in this tiny little corner of the internet where google page rank can hardly reach.
Its just weird how the level of friendship differs so much.
Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by only colleages (work friends) even though I should probably consider them higher up the friend food chain.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
My hands
I spend a lot of time when I'm alone looking at my hands.
Palms up, fingers slightly curved in, always shaking ever so slightly. I've always seemed to date superstitious women, they look at the lines on my hands and tell me it means something. While they always seem to say nice things, I don't take much stock in it; or any for that matter.
When I look at my hands I see flesh. When I think about what my hands can do, I see creativity, cruelty, and love. It is amazing to me that so much of what we do in life with our hands, will be so vastly different. A hand can slap someone across the face, but it can also caress it. A hand can gently grasp another's, or it can crush it. A hand can type the words that can beat someone down into nothing, or they can declare an inspirational speech.
When I look at these hands I think about all the things I have done with them before. I wonder what it makes me. I muse about what they'll do next. My hands are my livelihood. They are what sustain me, without the ability to play music, to write, to program, to encourage -- I have nothing. They are integral to my being and to the fabric of my beliefs.
What do your hands do?
Palms up, fingers slightly curved in, always shaking ever so slightly. I've always seemed to date superstitious women, they look at the lines on my hands and tell me it means something. While they always seem to say nice things, I don't take much stock in it; or any for that matter.
When I look at my hands I see flesh. When I think about what my hands can do, I see creativity, cruelty, and love. It is amazing to me that so much of what we do in life with our hands, will be so vastly different. A hand can slap someone across the face, but it can also caress it. A hand can gently grasp another's, or it can crush it. A hand can type the words that can beat someone down into nothing, or they can declare an inspirational speech.
When I look at these hands I think about all the things I have done with them before. I wonder what it makes me. I muse about what they'll do next. My hands are my livelihood. They are what sustain me, without the ability to play music, to write, to program, to encourage -- I have nothing. They are integral to my being and to the fabric of my beliefs.
What do your hands do?
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Late night heart to hearts
I had a friend over last night. We stayed up until 4am talking. It was intense. I didn't think something like that was going to happen. I thought that it was going to be a quick thing. Eat some dinner, do some work together, then be done. Goodnights and people get to sleep.
Opposite. Well, not totally, we did have dinner. But no work was done. A lot of talking, a little bit of crying, and just a really good bonding experience. It was amazing the similarities of the situations we're both in. I feel like I've discovered a new friend that blossomed out of an acquaintance. We stayed up so late talking, and then divided my bed in two (not length wise, like straight down the middle so both of us had a full half) and lay down and kept talking in the dark for a while. I only got an hour of sleep, but... definitely worth losing some sleep over helping a friend with some difficult things.
It was good for me too, to see someone in an amazingly similar situation. We're both kinda dealing with it in our own way, giving each other ideas, talking and helping each other. Maybe by the end of the year I'll have another best friend. Or maybe this was a one time thing where they just needed to open it up to someone and I happened to be there. Either way, I'm happy. It's amazing what lies under the surface of people. You meet some really amazing people who look so strong and confident on the outside, but yet they're just as terrified of life as everyone else.
Now I just wish I knew how my other best friends were doing. I wish that they'd involve me more in their lives. But I suppose part of caring about people is letting them do their own thing when they need to.
Opposite. Well, not totally, we did have dinner. But no work was done. A lot of talking, a little bit of crying, and just a really good bonding experience. It was amazing the similarities of the situations we're both in. I feel like I've discovered a new friend that blossomed out of an acquaintance. We stayed up so late talking, and then divided my bed in two (not length wise, like straight down the middle so both of us had a full half) and lay down and kept talking in the dark for a while. I only got an hour of sleep, but... definitely worth losing some sleep over helping a friend with some difficult things.
It was good for me too, to see someone in an amazingly similar situation. We're both kinda dealing with it in our own way, giving each other ideas, talking and helping each other. Maybe by the end of the year I'll have another best friend. Or maybe this was a one time thing where they just needed to open it up to someone and I happened to be there. Either way, I'm happy. It's amazing what lies under the surface of people. You meet some really amazing people who look so strong and confident on the outside, but yet they're just as terrified of life as everyone else.
Now I just wish I knew how my other best friends were doing. I wish that they'd involve me more in their lives. But I suppose part of caring about people is letting them do their own thing when they need to.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Marketing. Business. Politics. All about being fake.
Today I witnessed something I typically witness at one of my three jobs. However, today it stuck with me just a bit more than usual.
You see, two of these three jobs are logical, they are procedural, they are measured not by you but by your work. This is the way a job should be. The third job, which I noticed today, is a fake job.
That's not to say that there is no money earned, no experienced gained, nothing of the sort. I mean that my boss is my boss because she has found the right connections. She is a very capable individual. However, to continue her position, to maintain her status she must not only perform, but act.
The sound of a fake laugh and the wretched smile that accompanies it is disgusting.
It irks me that there are professions where your fakeness, and ability to smear yourself into whatever shape you need is the glue that holds your position together. That you have to pretend to be one person with some people, and a different one the next.
I refuse to be in such a position.
I understand rubbing elbows and buttering up someone before propositioning something. But being that coy and deceitful is something I refuse to do. In the line of work I wish to follow. It is the measure of my abilities that will hold testament to my progress. Not if I laughed at my bosses joke.
You see, two of these three jobs are logical, they are procedural, they are measured not by you but by your work. This is the way a job should be. The third job, which I noticed today, is a fake job.
That's not to say that there is no money earned, no experienced gained, nothing of the sort. I mean that my boss is my boss because she has found the right connections. She is a very capable individual. However, to continue her position, to maintain her status she must not only perform, but act.
The sound of a fake laugh and the wretched smile that accompanies it is disgusting.
It irks me that there are professions where your fakeness, and ability to smear yourself into whatever shape you need is the glue that holds your position together. That you have to pretend to be one person with some people, and a different one the next.
I refuse to be in such a position.
I understand rubbing elbows and buttering up someone before propositioning something. But being that coy and deceitful is something I refuse to do. In the line of work I wish to follow. It is the measure of my abilities that will hold testament to my progress. Not if I laughed at my bosses joke.
My thoughts on birth to adulthood. Cold.
This is not a pitiful post. This is not a post about my own unhappiness. This is an analysis of our development as emotional creatures to what we are.
We are born unhappy. A child's first instinct is not one of glee at coming into the world, but rather of stricken fear. The child cannot breathe. This is why the Doctors slap it. The reflex to inhale upon pain is an inherit one. The child breathes it's first breath of air. It's first breath of life.
And cries.
The child cries until it is given the comfort of another being. The father, mother, or nurse. Whatever cradles it lovingly and gives it that necessary comfort. From this moment until the child develops into a toddler. It is an emotionally driven creature.
When it hungers, it doesn't know that it is hungry, it only knows that it is unhappy. So it cries. It is all it knows to do. If a child sees something it likes, it happily makes noise and becomes excited. The entity only knows emotion.
As the development continues, it develops awareness, reason, and logic. By the time it is able to differentiate objects, the essence of being human is developing. We are creatures of reason.
The next 18 or so years of it's life are taken as a journey. We experience pain, ectasy, boredom, jealousy. Everything we can experience we take it in. We reason about it. We try to understand.
That is the core of all humans. We seek understanding. To classify, to name things, to be able to express what we feel as emotionally driven beings into some logical fashion so that we may share it with the world. So that we can shout to the highest heavens our philosophies and triumphs.
But there is a cost.
The more you analyse something, the less 'magical' it becomes. What once was an unknown that was intensely fascinating becomes something you can explain away with a wave of your hand. However, by this point, there are still things which we cannot put into words. For these we resort to our initial emotional state.
When an intense emotion of sadness or unhappiness occurs we do not seek to reason with it at first. We give into our emotions and cry or laugh. Smile or frown. Furrow our brows and hit things if need be, run away and fear for our lives if necessary.
Some humans develop into more emotional people, other people become what those people term 'cold'. I believe I fall into this category. That is not to say that I do not love, that I do not have warmth for my other fellow sentient beings. I am awestruck at humanity beating the odds so to speak.
But I analyse it all, trying not to resort to emotion at all costs.
Does that truly mean I'm so cold?
When you can quantify and tuck away emotions into their own classifications, trivializing them and turning the other cheek to all but the deepest betrayals. I wonder if it's wrong. But if it was, then why could I do it.
The problem I think, is that once you have analysed something and have tucked it away so to speak. You are left with nothing but the emptiness. Possibly a hunger for more knowledge. Unfortunately, it is not always the sad emotions that are researched and tucked away. But the happy ones as well. No emotion is safe from being quantified.
So what do you do when your own nature eats away happiness from you? You resort to other means I suppose. Ways of dulling your consciousness. There is always alcohol, drugs, nicotine highs, hypnosis, and any other way of distraction you can think of. I'd add sex and physical contact to the list, but those activities are not nearly as dulling as one might think in my opinion. An orgasm can only last so long before reality comes back to you and life crushes your spirit again.
As an adult. The human is expected to work, eat, play, and die. As a child one is expected to learn to be an adult. As an infant nothing is expected of you, but the highest hopes are had. And as a fetus or baby? Above all else, love. It seems to me a sad progression.
The trouble I was having with these thoughts tonight, is that once you begin researching (so to speak) the depth of an emotion such as loneliness. It's like an abyss you can't climb out of by yourself. And unfortunately, when all your friends are tired of listening to your shit because you can't stop being fascinated by the cruelty of an unhappy mind, none of them seem to want to help you anymore. As I was thinking about this abyss as I walked home, freezing my face off and deeply wishing I had a car. A girl ran by me, she didn't seem drunk, but after all, it's 3 in the morning on a saturday night on campus. She probably was. Anyway, as she ran by, she smiled at me despite my glum appearance, and wished me a great night.
Random acts of kindess work wonders.
I smiled and wished her one as well, although I doubt she heard it as she whisked past me (falling and slipping into the snow at the bottom of the hill a few moments after she passed me, laughing along the way). It picked me up a little bit. I'm not going to say it brought me out of the low mood I'm in, but it definitely helped.
Is it these small moments of emotion that we live for? When we can revert back from our serious conscious selves into our childish primitive state of pure emotion?
We are born unhappy. A child's first instinct is not one of glee at coming into the world, but rather of stricken fear. The child cannot breathe. This is why the Doctors slap it. The reflex to inhale upon pain is an inherit one. The child breathes it's first breath of air. It's first breath of life.
And cries.
The child cries until it is given the comfort of another being. The father, mother, or nurse. Whatever cradles it lovingly and gives it that necessary comfort. From this moment until the child develops into a toddler. It is an emotionally driven creature.
When it hungers, it doesn't know that it is hungry, it only knows that it is unhappy. So it cries. It is all it knows to do. If a child sees something it likes, it happily makes noise and becomes excited. The entity only knows emotion.
As the development continues, it develops awareness, reason, and logic. By the time it is able to differentiate objects, the essence of being human is developing. We are creatures of reason.
The next 18 or so years of it's life are taken as a journey. We experience pain, ectasy, boredom, jealousy. Everything we can experience we take it in. We reason about it. We try to understand.
That is the core of all humans. We seek understanding. To classify, to name things, to be able to express what we feel as emotionally driven beings into some logical fashion so that we may share it with the world. So that we can shout to the highest heavens our philosophies and triumphs.
But there is a cost.
The more you analyse something, the less 'magical' it becomes. What once was an unknown that was intensely fascinating becomes something you can explain away with a wave of your hand. However, by this point, there are still things which we cannot put into words. For these we resort to our initial emotional state.
When an intense emotion of sadness or unhappiness occurs we do not seek to reason with it at first. We give into our emotions and cry or laugh. Smile or frown. Furrow our brows and hit things if need be, run away and fear for our lives if necessary.
Some humans develop into more emotional people, other people become what those people term 'cold'. I believe I fall into this category. That is not to say that I do not love, that I do not have warmth for my other fellow sentient beings. I am awestruck at humanity beating the odds so to speak.
But I analyse it all, trying not to resort to emotion at all costs.
Does that truly mean I'm so cold?
When you can quantify and tuck away emotions into their own classifications, trivializing them and turning the other cheek to all but the deepest betrayals. I wonder if it's wrong. But if it was, then why could I do it.
The problem I think, is that once you have analysed something and have tucked it away so to speak. You are left with nothing but the emptiness. Possibly a hunger for more knowledge. Unfortunately, it is not always the sad emotions that are researched and tucked away. But the happy ones as well. No emotion is safe from being quantified.
So what do you do when your own nature eats away happiness from you? You resort to other means I suppose. Ways of dulling your consciousness. There is always alcohol, drugs, nicotine highs, hypnosis, and any other way of distraction you can think of. I'd add sex and physical contact to the list, but those activities are not nearly as dulling as one might think in my opinion. An orgasm can only last so long before reality comes back to you and life crushes your spirit again.
As an adult. The human is expected to work, eat, play, and die. As a child one is expected to learn to be an adult. As an infant nothing is expected of you, but the highest hopes are had. And as a fetus or baby? Above all else, love. It seems to me a sad progression.
The trouble I was having with these thoughts tonight, is that once you begin researching (so to speak) the depth of an emotion such as loneliness. It's like an abyss you can't climb out of by yourself. And unfortunately, when all your friends are tired of listening to your shit because you can't stop being fascinated by the cruelty of an unhappy mind, none of them seem to want to help you anymore. As I was thinking about this abyss as I walked home, freezing my face off and deeply wishing I had a car. A girl ran by me, she didn't seem drunk, but after all, it's 3 in the morning on a saturday night on campus. She probably was. Anyway, as she ran by, she smiled at me despite my glum appearance, and wished me a great night.
Random acts of kindess work wonders.
I smiled and wished her one as well, although I doubt she heard it as she whisked past me (falling and slipping into the snow at the bottom of the hill a few moments after she passed me, laughing along the way). It picked me up a little bit. I'm not going to say it brought me out of the low mood I'm in, but it definitely helped.
Is it these small moments of emotion that we live for? When we can revert back from our serious conscious selves into our childish primitive state of pure emotion?
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Well there goes that Streak
Well...
So much for feeling good.
Here I thought that I was over it all, but apparently when weekend's roll around and I have no one to hang out, and just myself and my music to sit with, the loneliness kicks in.
I was productive today. I did homework. Good right? Not so much. I was supposed to meet a friend on campus and she was going to take my measurements to make a costume for my upcoming PAX East trip. Unfortunately, blizzards ahoy and my friend having other plans with people in the same day made the scheduling not work out. So, I walked through a bunch of snow on campus just to sit in a windowless room by myself.
The windowless room by myself normally isn't a problem. I love my lab. It's where I go to have intelligent conversation with people interested in the same things as me. It's where I've spent most of the last two years to be honest. But when you're feeling lonely, and none of your friends are available or want to make an effort to see you. You can't help but start to feel like that room is awfully big without someone else in it.
It wasn't a good time walking there either, trying to juggle by bag (I carry it, it's not a backpack) and a small tray of food wrapped in tin foil is not easy when the cold wind keeps deciding to remove the tin foil and you have to struggle to hold it on. So my food got cold, I nearly slipped into the snow a few times, and the wind stung my eyes. Awesome way to start it, but I thought it'd be worth it because I'd get to hang out with a buddy.
Annnnnnnd queue the I'm not coming text.
So, instead of leaving the lab, I hooked up my computer to the sweet sound system we have and did my homework. But eventually the distraction ended and no one I talked to on facebook had any time for me. My old roommate, and someone I consider my best friend wasn't any help. If I'm someones best friend and they need a friend to be there for them, I try. I really do. I can't always make it, but I'll at least hold up a conversation with them if I can't come physically to them. Oh well.
When someone says that they're lonely. You fucking talk to them. Seriously.
Like, I know I've probably harped an ear or two off of him every 5 or so days, but I still talk to some of my friends about stuff they've been struggling with for years. I don't give up just because the conversation changes. If someone needs me to be there, I'm there. If someone wants to have a pity party and that's what they need for a little while, I'll spare them the optimism for a few minutes and let them have their moment before trying to cheer 'em up.
I think the reason I miss having a girlfriend is because it gave me something besides work to do. I feel like such a boring person. Well, not that boring to someone who shared the same interests as me. I could probably talk computer science with someone all day and have a good 'ol time. Unfortunately, that's not everyone's cup of tea. Back to the point, I work a lot. So when I'm not working I wanna do something fun. Fun for me implies either having a coding session by myself and rocking out to music, or hanging out with friends, or better yet, cuddling with someone and having a nice life chat.
I didn't feel that driven to code today after being by myself in a big empty room, so I really wanted to do one of the other two. IF I had a girlfriend then the cuddling would be there for me, and the second one would be as well. But since I don't anymore, I wanted friends. Unfortunately, as I already said. No one wanted in. Most of my friends are not the people who want to trudge through snow just to sit in a room with someone, I don't blame them, but still. Like I said before, if someone's having a hard time and you consider yourself a good friend. Go to them if you can.
Sigh. So instead when I walked home from the lab I chain smoked a cigarette instead. Abusing my body is fun right? ... Totally.
So much for feeling good.
Here I thought that I was over it all, but apparently when weekend's roll around and I have no one to hang out, and just myself and my music to sit with, the loneliness kicks in.
I was productive today. I did homework. Good right? Not so much. I was supposed to meet a friend on campus and she was going to take my measurements to make a costume for my upcoming PAX East trip. Unfortunately, blizzards ahoy and my friend having other plans with people in the same day made the scheduling not work out. So, I walked through a bunch of snow on campus just to sit in a windowless room by myself.
The windowless room by myself normally isn't a problem. I love my lab. It's where I go to have intelligent conversation with people interested in the same things as me. It's where I've spent most of the last two years to be honest. But when you're feeling lonely, and none of your friends are available or want to make an effort to see you. You can't help but start to feel like that room is awfully big without someone else in it.
It wasn't a good time walking there either, trying to juggle by bag (I carry it, it's not a backpack) and a small tray of food wrapped in tin foil is not easy when the cold wind keeps deciding to remove the tin foil and you have to struggle to hold it on. So my food got cold, I nearly slipped into the snow a few times, and the wind stung my eyes. Awesome way to start it, but I thought it'd be worth it because I'd get to hang out with a buddy.
Annnnnnnd queue the I'm not coming text.
So, instead of leaving the lab, I hooked up my computer to the sweet sound system we have and did my homework. But eventually the distraction ended and no one I talked to on facebook had any time for me. My old roommate, and someone I consider my best friend wasn't any help. If I'm someones best friend and they need a friend to be there for them, I try. I really do. I can't always make it, but I'll at least hold up a conversation with them if I can't come physically to them. Oh well.
When someone says that they're lonely. You fucking talk to them. Seriously.
Like, I know I've probably harped an ear or two off of him every 5 or so days, but I still talk to some of my friends about stuff they've been struggling with for years. I don't give up just because the conversation changes. If someone needs me to be there, I'm there. If someone wants to have a pity party and that's what they need for a little while, I'll spare them the optimism for a few minutes and let them have their moment before trying to cheer 'em up.
I think the reason I miss having a girlfriend is because it gave me something besides work to do. I feel like such a boring person. Well, not that boring to someone who shared the same interests as me. I could probably talk computer science with someone all day and have a good 'ol time. Unfortunately, that's not everyone's cup of tea. Back to the point, I work a lot. So when I'm not working I wanna do something fun. Fun for me implies either having a coding session by myself and rocking out to music, or hanging out with friends, or better yet, cuddling with someone and having a nice life chat.
I didn't feel that driven to code today after being by myself in a big empty room, so I really wanted to do one of the other two. IF I had a girlfriend then the cuddling would be there for me, and the second one would be as well. But since I don't anymore, I wanted friends. Unfortunately, as I already said. No one wanted in. Most of my friends are not the people who want to trudge through snow just to sit in a room with someone, I don't blame them, but still. Like I said before, if someone's having a hard time and you consider yourself a good friend. Go to them if you can.
Sigh. So instead when I walked home from the lab I chain smoked a cigarette instead. Abusing my body is fun right? ... Totally.
I'm good.
I've felt good for a week or so now. I had a good time with a bunch of friends the other week and it really set me straight. I'm still lonely, but that's ok. I'm not unhappy about it, it's just a state I'll be in while I transition between what happened in the past and what will happen in the future.
I've got new projects and exciting ideas in my head to bring to fruition. Things that make me happy. And I have an amazing sound track to do it to. I highly recommend the Guilty Crown OST to anyone wanting epic music.
I do wish we talked a little more though, but life is busy and I understand that.
I've got new projects and exciting ideas in my head to bring to fruition. Things that make me happy. And I have an amazing sound track to do it to. I highly recommend the Guilty Crown OST to anyone wanting epic music.
I do wish we talked a little more though, but life is busy and I understand that.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Bad Night. Nightmares. Unhappy. Lying fool
I had a bad night.
It started out with the promise of being good. I've been wanting to play pool and I finally got to. I've been meaning to go out and party a bit on a Friday night. And I got to out, listen to music and do what most people would consider fun. I did too for a while. But then as people left, slowly it dwindled down to 6 of my friends and me.
Unfortunately for me, the 6 were really 3 couples. I didn't have much to contribute to the conversations going on, so I texted people and I was a bit drunk. So I probably was making an ass of myself. I just wanted to get away from the couples, but felt like it was too rude to just get up and leave. Plus my jacket was on a chair underneath one of the couples, and I didn't want to bother them about getting it.
Walking home was ok, I walked with a couple for a little while. But before we parted ways, somehow valentines day came up. My friend's wife said that it's such a bullet shit holiday, and it's true to an extent. It's a holiday entirely made up by Hallmark. But the sentiment about having a special day with someone you love is a good one. Anyway, I don't want to go off on a tangent about the right or wrong about a made up holiday. My friend told me that I should spend time with a girl that day, which I replied that it's necessary to have one in order to do that. Before the conversation could dive off the awkward end of the pool I changed the subject to asking about one of my friends whose gay. Because he's never full come out to me, so I asked my friend about it, " yeah he's gay... but I don't know if I was supposed to tell you that so I didn't say that ok?".
And then he said something that bothered me. "When I met you and B I thought both of you were gay". B's a friend who graduated the other year and is married now to his longterm girlfriend he had back in the day. I laughed and told him that everyone thought B was gay. We parted ways then and I was left to think about what he had said.
I come off as gay?
Since I had walked with them towards their house, I was a few streets over from the main street so it was dark and quiet. As I walked I texted my friend who was going out to dance. Asking him if he'd pick me up and distract me. Then he told me where he was going to dance. First Friday, the lesbian gay transvestite dance that happens on the first Friday of each month.
Shit.
It's one thing to be told that you come off as a homosexual, and I can get over that. But it's another thing to go somewhere and look for that sort of thing. To be honest, I'm not entirely straight, but I don't typically find guys attractive. And tonight I was feeling down. I knew that if I went to that event, I was in the kind of mood where I just wanted to make poor decisions, be reckless, be stupid, and forget about who I am. I didn't want that. So I told him I wasn't going to go. He tried to convince me to come out because I had told him I was upset. And being a good friend, he was ready to try to cheer me up with dancing drinking and a good time.
But there are just some nights where you just need to feel. When I got back to my room, I lay in bed for a while listening to music. And I felt awful. It wasn't the liquor or anything. I was in no danger of throwing up. But, I knew I was upset. My actions, texts, and words had already told me that. But there I was laying in bed, and I felt nothing. I want to cry. I can't. I want to scream. My head tells me not to bother my suitemates with noises like that late at night. I want to talk to people. I have nothing to say. I want to be cheered up. I stay inside.
Maybe I made the wrong decision last night. Or at least, I made the responsible decision at the expense of my emotional health. I don't know why I'm so fucked up. I mean, I know the course of events that have the largest affect on it. Obviously it's my breakup that's still affecting me. And it should I guess, or at least that's what my friends tell me when I talk about it with them. I care a lot about her still, so it's not surprising that I'm not over her yet. But I don't know how to get over her, and I don't even know if I want to.
I look at other girls when I walk around, none of them are what I want. None of them hold a candle next to her. Maybe I've just got a pedestal for her on my head. But I don't think that's the case. There are tons of girls who would be considered to be prettier. There are probably girls who are just as smart or smarter. But those girls, even if I met one, would lack the main draw that she had. Something that struck me about her was the way she though, does think. And that she had a crush on me. Normally it's the other way around, I'm crushing on someone but to afraid to do anything about it. That's a lesser extent now that I've grown a little bit, but I remember getting a christmas present for a girl I was crushing on, being so close to giving it to her, and then not having the guts, and walking home still holding it.
I guess I'm still not looking for other girls, which isn't a problem I think. There's nothing wrong with not actively looking for a partner. But my problem is that I'm not moving onto the limbo single stage between relationships. I'm still stuck on the past. I came up with a rule once, for each month you spend with someone, you're allowed a grieving period of 1 week. So since I was with her for a year, I'm allowed 12 weeks to be unhappy with life and be a general bother to my friends. It's been 6 already and I've felt like I'm making no progress towards that end goal of being happy being me again. I thought I had it this past week. There was a moment of clairvoyance as I walked to work. And it just felt like I was being reassured that it was ok to be single. To just live for myself and not put someone else first. And I thought it was good. I thought I was getting better.
Last night tells me I haven't actually made much progress.
I texted her. My drunken self, like usual, says things she probably doesn't want to hear. I used to only be completely honest with her about how strong my feelings were when I was intoxicated. And it seems like I'm only honest with myself and anyone else about how I currently feeling when I'm intoxicated as well. Solutions? Don't drink maybe. But that doesn't solve the problem.
If I really am this unhappy underneath it all. Then I should face it right? I should just think about all this stuff, write it out. Figure out why I'm being such a burden to my friends, how I can cheer myself up instead of hoping my friends can. All that. When I was upset or down on myself. My ex was always there with just the right words for me. I don't know how, but she just knew the right words to say to me to calm me down. I don't know if I still have that. I can't understand.
I can't understand how someone couldn't hate me right now. If I was in her shoes... well, I've been in those shoes before. Where you don't feel as strongly about someone and they love you with everything. Where you have to say goodbye, and then deal with their heartache. I remember being totally indifferent to a different ex's calls, to her texts, to everything. I was straight with her, I don't like seeing people unhappy, so I would offer my advice or listen to her when she really wanted to talk to me. But under it all I didn't care. She wasn't necessarily bothering me, but after a few weeks of that I was ready to just delete her out of my phone and ignore her. Let her figure herself out.
I feel the situation is reversed. I can't expect to understand how someone else feels. I could be completely wrong and just be projecting my past experiences onto the present. Not a good idea considering my history sounds like a tragedy. I apologize every time I'm upset, worried that I'm being a bother. That I'm going to get her fed up with me, and she's going to cut me out entirely. I don't think she's that kind of person. And we've discussed things along those lines, so you'd think I'd be reassured that I'm not going to be ignored like I ignored a previous ex. I just expect karma or something to come around and kick my ass I guess. I don't think I've forgiven myself for breaking up with that previous ex. It's been years. I've moved on, and so has she, she has a kid and is living a happier life. But I analyze everything, I try to connect the dots between past and present. Hoping to find some way to know what will happen next.
I wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to drive her away. To make myself feel like I made the other one feel. It's probably working. I feel pretty worthless a lot of the time, and things that I should take pride in, I'm not.
When did I become so insecure? I thought I was a confident assertive person who knew what they wanted to do in life. Who had a plan. That my friends looked at and said, that kid's going somewhere. So why do I feel so small. I beat myself down a lot I think, but I say that's because I don't want an ego. I don't want to be an arrogant bastard no one wants to talk to. I want to be good at what I do, but not in a cocky way. But instead all my feelings inside are just boiling and I don't know what to do with them.
I had a nightmare last night, it started off similar to how my night went. Hanging out with friends having fun. Then we said goodbye, and I took out a car key and pushed the button to find the car. I went and found one, but it wasn't my car and it was on top of one of those things that carries broken cars. I thought to myself, well I don't know how I got this key, but I should go give it to the police station so they can handle it. So I checked my other pocket and sure enough was the key for my car. So I went and found it, but it had been rear ended and backed into. So it was sorta stuck, and also someone had stolen the front half of the car, engine and everything. And replaced it with the hood from my old car, a red ford. I thought it was weird, but I knew I should go report being backed into, being rear ended, having a piece of my car stolen and replaced by a shittier part, and the other car whose keys I had, to the police. So I got in the car and managed to get out onto the street. But as I was driving I realized I had no control over the speed. The brakes were cut. So I couldn't stop. And I was shifting the car into different gears, trying to slow it down, but over and over I was forced to drive through red lights telling me to stop. I saw a police car and drove next to it, speeding by, screaming at it to help me. But it turned away, he hadn't heard me through the glass window. Eventually, in terror I had veered off onto a dirt path, hoping it would slow me down. And as I drove I did slow down, but then I came out onto a clearing and there was water. A whole black lake. I didn't want to drive into the lake. Drowning would be the worst, so I pulled the car into doing a huge turn. Scraping away at the beach as I turned around, going way to fast. Afraid I was going to flip and fall into the water. But I missed it, and turned back onto the path. And as I was heading up the little hill that had led down the beach the car slowed down. And stopped. I got out and heard a howl. There were wolves around me. I got back into the car but the car wouldn't start and the wolves were at the doors. And there was nothing I could do.
I woke up. I don't feel well rested after that. I intended to sleep away my feelings from last night. Hoping that they were just delusions brought on by drinking and a few poor phrases passed around. But I guess not. I guess the case is that I'm deeply unhappy and I need to face that problem. I need to not drag down my friends when I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I'm an adult, or trying to be one, so I should deal with my problems and solve them by myself. I shouldn't be reliant on other people for my state of happiness.
I don't think it's any coincidence that my dream is so transparent. My subconscious spoke pretty loudly through that dream. Finding something that didn't belong to me? Ex. Thinking I should go hand in a key linking me with that? Trying to let my feelings go and give them back somewhere else, trying to move on. My car being beat up and squished between cars? The state of my heart right now and feeling stuck. The old hood? Same hood from when I broke up with a previous ex. The car having it's breaks cut and not being able to stop driving? Not being able to stop texting or saying things I know I shouldn't. Going by a police officer, screaming for help but getting none? Asking friends for advice or for distractions and not finding it, the feelings that I'm just bothering people and they'd rather ignore me. Turning onto a dirt path? Taking a bender last night with drinking and such. Coming that close to the waters? I'm low right now, I would never commit suicide, but I'm deeply unhappy and I'm coming really close to facing it. Turning around and trying to head back down the path? Trying to move on and get happier. The car stopping and wolves coming out? Getting stuck on bad feelings last night and having all those issues stabbing at my brain and making me unhappy.
I didn't die in the dream, but the ending was definitely unresolved. Hopefully over the next 6 weeks I'll get out of that den of wolves. I'll move on and feel better about myself. Get into a steady state of singleness and be ok with it. Hopefully I won't bother her about all unhappy feelings anymore because I won't have them, and we can just be good friends like she wants. ... I guess I have to wonder what I want. I want to not lose her entirely. So friends works for me if that's all I can have. But I do need to get over her if there's really 0 chance of us getting back together. I wonder if there was a chance, and I'm destroying it by being the way I am. I shouldn't think that way. I need to try to be happy.
I'm really sorry about bothering everyone last night. I texted so many people looking for a distraction but no one wanted me. No one wanted to hang out with me I should say, but the other sentence is how it felt. It's not their responsibilities to take care of a broken hearted fool. So why do I try to force that on them?
Fuck this was a long post. Well... time to go pretend to be happy and lie another day away.
It started out with the promise of being good. I've been wanting to play pool and I finally got to. I've been meaning to go out and party a bit on a Friday night. And I got to out, listen to music and do what most people would consider fun. I did too for a while. But then as people left, slowly it dwindled down to 6 of my friends and me.
Unfortunately for me, the 6 were really 3 couples. I didn't have much to contribute to the conversations going on, so I texted people and I was a bit drunk. So I probably was making an ass of myself. I just wanted to get away from the couples, but felt like it was too rude to just get up and leave. Plus my jacket was on a chair underneath one of the couples, and I didn't want to bother them about getting it.
Walking home was ok, I walked with a couple for a little while. But before we parted ways, somehow valentines day came up. My friend's wife said that it's such a bullet shit holiday, and it's true to an extent. It's a holiday entirely made up by Hallmark. But the sentiment about having a special day with someone you love is a good one. Anyway, I don't want to go off on a tangent about the right or wrong about a made up holiday. My friend told me that I should spend time with a girl that day, which I replied that it's necessary to have one in order to do that. Before the conversation could dive off the awkward end of the pool I changed the subject to asking about one of my friends whose gay. Because he's never full come out to me, so I asked my friend about it, " yeah he's gay... but I don't know if I was supposed to tell you that so I didn't say that ok?".
And then he said something that bothered me. "When I met you and B I thought both of you were gay". B's a friend who graduated the other year and is married now to his longterm girlfriend he had back in the day. I laughed and told him that everyone thought B was gay. We parted ways then and I was left to think about what he had said.
I come off as gay?
Since I had walked with them towards their house, I was a few streets over from the main street so it was dark and quiet. As I walked I texted my friend who was going out to dance. Asking him if he'd pick me up and distract me. Then he told me where he was going to dance. First Friday, the lesbian gay transvestite dance that happens on the first Friday of each month.
Shit.
It's one thing to be told that you come off as a homosexual, and I can get over that. But it's another thing to go somewhere and look for that sort of thing. To be honest, I'm not entirely straight, but I don't typically find guys attractive. And tonight I was feeling down. I knew that if I went to that event, I was in the kind of mood where I just wanted to make poor decisions, be reckless, be stupid, and forget about who I am. I didn't want that. So I told him I wasn't going to go. He tried to convince me to come out because I had told him I was upset. And being a good friend, he was ready to try to cheer me up with dancing drinking and a good time.
But there are just some nights where you just need to feel. When I got back to my room, I lay in bed for a while listening to music. And I felt awful. It wasn't the liquor or anything. I was in no danger of throwing up. But, I knew I was upset. My actions, texts, and words had already told me that. But there I was laying in bed, and I felt nothing. I want to cry. I can't. I want to scream. My head tells me not to bother my suitemates with noises like that late at night. I want to talk to people. I have nothing to say. I want to be cheered up. I stay inside.
Maybe I made the wrong decision last night. Or at least, I made the responsible decision at the expense of my emotional health. I don't know why I'm so fucked up. I mean, I know the course of events that have the largest affect on it. Obviously it's my breakup that's still affecting me. And it should I guess, or at least that's what my friends tell me when I talk about it with them. I care a lot about her still, so it's not surprising that I'm not over her yet. But I don't know how to get over her, and I don't even know if I want to.
I look at other girls when I walk around, none of them are what I want. None of them hold a candle next to her. Maybe I've just got a pedestal for her on my head. But I don't think that's the case. There are tons of girls who would be considered to be prettier. There are probably girls who are just as smart or smarter. But those girls, even if I met one, would lack the main draw that she had. Something that struck me about her was the way she though, does think. And that she had a crush on me. Normally it's the other way around, I'm crushing on someone but to afraid to do anything about it. That's a lesser extent now that I've grown a little bit, but I remember getting a christmas present for a girl I was crushing on, being so close to giving it to her, and then not having the guts, and walking home still holding it.
I guess I'm still not looking for other girls, which isn't a problem I think. There's nothing wrong with not actively looking for a partner. But my problem is that I'm not moving onto the limbo single stage between relationships. I'm still stuck on the past. I came up with a rule once, for each month you spend with someone, you're allowed a grieving period of 1 week. So since I was with her for a year, I'm allowed 12 weeks to be unhappy with life and be a general bother to my friends. It's been 6 already and I've felt like I'm making no progress towards that end goal of being happy being me again. I thought I had it this past week. There was a moment of clairvoyance as I walked to work. And it just felt like I was being reassured that it was ok to be single. To just live for myself and not put someone else first. And I thought it was good. I thought I was getting better.
Last night tells me I haven't actually made much progress.
I texted her. My drunken self, like usual, says things she probably doesn't want to hear. I used to only be completely honest with her about how strong my feelings were when I was intoxicated. And it seems like I'm only honest with myself and anyone else about how I currently feeling when I'm intoxicated as well. Solutions? Don't drink maybe. But that doesn't solve the problem.
If I really am this unhappy underneath it all. Then I should face it right? I should just think about all this stuff, write it out. Figure out why I'm being such a burden to my friends, how I can cheer myself up instead of hoping my friends can. All that. When I was upset or down on myself. My ex was always there with just the right words for me. I don't know how, but she just knew the right words to say to me to calm me down. I don't know if I still have that. I can't understand.
I can't understand how someone couldn't hate me right now. If I was in her shoes... well, I've been in those shoes before. Where you don't feel as strongly about someone and they love you with everything. Where you have to say goodbye, and then deal with their heartache. I remember being totally indifferent to a different ex's calls, to her texts, to everything. I was straight with her, I don't like seeing people unhappy, so I would offer my advice or listen to her when she really wanted to talk to me. But under it all I didn't care. She wasn't necessarily bothering me, but after a few weeks of that I was ready to just delete her out of my phone and ignore her. Let her figure herself out.
I feel the situation is reversed. I can't expect to understand how someone else feels. I could be completely wrong and just be projecting my past experiences onto the present. Not a good idea considering my history sounds like a tragedy. I apologize every time I'm upset, worried that I'm being a bother. That I'm going to get her fed up with me, and she's going to cut me out entirely. I don't think she's that kind of person. And we've discussed things along those lines, so you'd think I'd be reassured that I'm not going to be ignored like I ignored a previous ex. I just expect karma or something to come around and kick my ass I guess. I don't think I've forgiven myself for breaking up with that previous ex. It's been years. I've moved on, and so has she, she has a kid and is living a happier life. But I analyze everything, I try to connect the dots between past and present. Hoping to find some way to know what will happen next.
I wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to drive her away. To make myself feel like I made the other one feel. It's probably working. I feel pretty worthless a lot of the time, and things that I should take pride in, I'm not.
When did I become so insecure? I thought I was a confident assertive person who knew what they wanted to do in life. Who had a plan. That my friends looked at and said, that kid's going somewhere. So why do I feel so small. I beat myself down a lot I think, but I say that's because I don't want an ego. I don't want to be an arrogant bastard no one wants to talk to. I want to be good at what I do, but not in a cocky way. But instead all my feelings inside are just boiling and I don't know what to do with them.
I had a nightmare last night, it started off similar to how my night went. Hanging out with friends having fun. Then we said goodbye, and I took out a car key and pushed the button to find the car. I went and found one, but it wasn't my car and it was on top of one of those things that carries broken cars. I thought to myself, well I don't know how I got this key, but I should go give it to the police station so they can handle it. So I checked my other pocket and sure enough was the key for my car. So I went and found it, but it had been rear ended and backed into. So it was sorta stuck, and also someone had stolen the front half of the car, engine and everything. And replaced it with the hood from my old car, a red ford. I thought it was weird, but I knew I should go report being backed into, being rear ended, having a piece of my car stolen and replaced by a shittier part, and the other car whose keys I had, to the police. So I got in the car and managed to get out onto the street. But as I was driving I realized I had no control over the speed. The brakes were cut. So I couldn't stop. And I was shifting the car into different gears, trying to slow it down, but over and over I was forced to drive through red lights telling me to stop. I saw a police car and drove next to it, speeding by, screaming at it to help me. But it turned away, he hadn't heard me through the glass window. Eventually, in terror I had veered off onto a dirt path, hoping it would slow me down. And as I drove I did slow down, but then I came out onto a clearing and there was water. A whole black lake. I didn't want to drive into the lake. Drowning would be the worst, so I pulled the car into doing a huge turn. Scraping away at the beach as I turned around, going way to fast. Afraid I was going to flip and fall into the water. But I missed it, and turned back onto the path. And as I was heading up the little hill that had led down the beach the car slowed down. And stopped. I got out and heard a howl. There were wolves around me. I got back into the car but the car wouldn't start and the wolves were at the doors. And there was nothing I could do.
I woke up. I don't feel well rested after that. I intended to sleep away my feelings from last night. Hoping that they were just delusions brought on by drinking and a few poor phrases passed around. But I guess not. I guess the case is that I'm deeply unhappy and I need to face that problem. I need to not drag down my friends when I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I'm an adult, or trying to be one, so I should deal with my problems and solve them by myself. I shouldn't be reliant on other people for my state of happiness.
I don't think it's any coincidence that my dream is so transparent. My subconscious spoke pretty loudly through that dream. Finding something that didn't belong to me? Ex. Thinking I should go hand in a key linking me with that? Trying to let my feelings go and give them back somewhere else, trying to move on. My car being beat up and squished between cars? The state of my heart right now and feeling stuck. The old hood? Same hood from when I broke up with a previous ex. The car having it's breaks cut and not being able to stop driving? Not being able to stop texting or saying things I know I shouldn't. Going by a police officer, screaming for help but getting none? Asking friends for advice or for distractions and not finding it, the feelings that I'm just bothering people and they'd rather ignore me. Turning onto a dirt path? Taking a bender last night with drinking and such. Coming that close to the waters? I'm low right now, I would never commit suicide, but I'm deeply unhappy and I'm coming really close to facing it. Turning around and trying to head back down the path? Trying to move on and get happier. The car stopping and wolves coming out? Getting stuck on bad feelings last night and having all those issues stabbing at my brain and making me unhappy.
I didn't die in the dream, but the ending was definitely unresolved. Hopefully over the next 6 weeks I'll get out of that den of wolves. I'll move on and feel better about myself. Get into a steady state of singleness and be ok with it. Hopefully I won't bother her about all unhappy feelings anymore because I won't have them, and we can just be good friends like she wants. ... I guess I have to wonder what I want. I want to not lose her entirely. So friends works for me if that's all I can have. But I do need to get over her if there's really 0 chance of us getting back together. I wonder if there was a chance, and I'm destroying it by being the way I am. I shouldn't think that way. I need to try to be happy.
I'm really sorry about bothering everyone last night. I texted so many people looking for a distraction but no one wanted me. No one wanted to hang out with me I should say, but the other sentence is how it felt. It's not their responsibilities to take care of a broken hearted fool. So why do I try to force that on them?
Fuck this was a long post. Well... time to go pretend to be happy and lie another day away.
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