Does everyone get those periods in their life when they just kinda get in the contemplative mood and just think. Not really focused on anything in particular but just think about whatever.
These moods seem to strike whenever though, doesn't matter if you're having a good time or not, they just show up. I imagine for a lot of people they show up when you've been drinking, even though sometimes I think some people try to drink away their thoughts. I try not to do that. There are days where it seems like it'd be really nice to just not think. I mean, when you spend your whole day thinking nearly constantly and problem solving, and thats what you're used to. Its relaxing to problem solve and think, but when the problem is solved.... you have nothing to do anymore.
I wonder if that's my problem. I feel like I used to do whatever, waste time doing pretty much nothing, or just being procrastinating and do anything else. But now, after a bunch of college and figuring out how best to do what I like doing, I'm stuck. Its like, I want to be unproductive and go 'have fun' but I can't because my mind is always on something major-related. I feel like I have nothing to talk about with my friends if we're not doing work; and that's really depressing I guess. Problem solving and such interests me, having something to work on makes me happy. But it's like my self-worth is proportional to how much work I'm getting done, how many people I'm helping, and not on things like social gatherings,being popular,having close friends,money, and all the 'regular' things someone might list to define fun things. I mean, when I get bored hanging out with friends and start thinking about all the problems/work I could be doing if I wasn't being polite, I realize what I'm thinking and kinda get upset with myself. Then I see people who are being 'normal' and being excited about the 'right things' and then I feel sad and a little jealous of those people.
I guess it could be the whole fitting in with people thing that I'm jealous of. Or not being some crazy workaholic who never has anything people find interesting to talk about. I mean, let's face it, I don't watch tv, so its not like I'm updated on all the crazy media that flies around. I get excited about finding some really cool algorithm or methodology. Like, why? Things that are dry to anyone who isn't doing a research paper on is interesting to me. Like, when you get excited because you hear your professor say fast powering algorithm and bit complexity analysis.... maybe I have a problem. Its called the smart or something, but they should probably just call it social anxiety channeled into learning.
I don't know, its frustrating because I want to have both. I want to help people, I want to be considered one of those 'smart' people so that I can get a good reputation, get a good job, make something of myself (whatever that means), and be financially stable. But I also want to have a social life, enjoy the little things, and not need a 40 hour work week to keep me from becoming bored and lonely.
I don't understand why I should feel lonely. I have a beautiful girlfriend who supports me and makes me feel content and happy. At the same time, this is the first year I haven't had a roommate, and I'm one of few seniors living on campus so I feel like some sort of lame old man. Especially when I see people doing things that I would have considered fun a couple years ago, and think to myself that they're so young or immature or whatever fits the situation. I guess those contemplative attacks are just there to make me feel old or something, old like a crotchety old man.
I don't get why I'm so dumb sometimes, why can't I just be normal
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