Why am I awake right now?

I wonder how many blog posts have that title? Or facebook status's. Or tweet updates....

Well I'm asking it.

I drank a bottle of wine while watching a show with a roommate. Then proceeded to fall asleep on the couch. Woke up with my roommate's (different one) cat sleeping on my chest. Just purring away. That's cool cat. I didn't want to feel bad about getting up and going to bed.

On the bright side I'm trying out my new bone conduction headphones right now. And it's pretty awesome. The sound is crystal clear without me having to blare the music, I don't feel like my ears are stuffed up or like I'm going to build up earwax or something because of having crap in my ears. I wouldn't care about sharing them since I don't have to put something that's been in someone else's ear into mine (there must be a shorter way of saying that. Auri-share-a-phobia?)

wheel.

I feel like a 2n+1 wheel.

I'm always a 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel when I'm out with my friends. Normally it doesn't bother me too much. But this weekend it did. Maybe it has something to do with one of my friends getting engaged? Maybe that my married/partnered friends make jokes about how they can't code as much like I can because I have free time because I'm not linked up with someone. They're supposed to be jokes, but they really only serve to remind me that I'm alone. Sure I'll quip back at them about those types of things. But I never show that I'm hurt. That maybe I wish that I could stop being a workaholic long enough to enjoy someone elses company -- or rather, that I could stop having only one thing truly defining me to my friends who see me as just a programmer.

Sure, Programming is what I do. It makes perfect sense to me. And I love it very much. Do I not get lonely because of my dedication to science? No. I get plenty lonely. Especially when I'm sitting in a room, listening to all my friends talk about how great it is to be married and have 'that promise of someone being there' when you get home or need them. Or how they shirk duties for projects and don't really hold onto the details of an application because they simply want to hang out with their spouse.

They say they're envious of my work ethic and how much time I can commit to a project. ... Maybe they assume I'm ok with being by myself. And having no one anymore to hold. Well... they'd be wrong. I'm past the stage of getting over my ex. 1 week for each month together with that person is my rule for grieving a relationship. So, 12 weeks after the breakup is supposed to be when I'm ok with being lonely again. Or at least, that's what I told myself I'd do and what it'd be like...

unfortunately, that's not the way life works. I don't want to say I'm still hung up on my ex. But, I still love her very much. She's one of those people who I want to talk to still, and when the liquor flows in me and loosens up the tight logic bound in my brain, I text her and tell her I miss her. Why? Because I do, I really do miss her. I'm ok not being with her anymore. It's best to move on or something right? But that doesn't stop me from wanting to be with her or at least see and talk to her. I feel like I've been cut out though. I could be completely wrong. But there's just not as much commication as I wish there was.... of course, that could be because she finally got tired of my drunk texts. And me not being able to get over her it seems.

After half a year, shouldn't I start not feeling so lonely? It's bad enough being lonely. But I get upset when I hang out with couples, because everyone was else seems like a perfect couple or they have things going for them... what do I have? I have a job in my field.... I have the respect of some peers. But what I want is for someone to actually love me and care about me. As more than just a friend. I want to have a cuddle buddy. Someone to talk to when I have to handle all my issues. When my medical bills or conditions pop up, I want to have someone to call to the hospital to hold my hand and to help me through. Of course, that's too much to ask for.

how do people get dates and meet people when you don't have hte very common ground of schooling together? I don't know. Of course, I'm not really trying to get anyone to fix my loneliness problem. That seems wrong somehow. But really though: I feel like I'm going to die alone, self invested in my work, I leave no time for going out to meet people, and I'm not going to do online dating. That just seems like a cop out to life. I'm married to my computer as is, I don't need to use it to date people too.

Pacific Rim and Evangelion Similarities

When I saw the trailer for Pacific Rim, I looked at my brother and we both nodded and agreed that it was an Evangelion rip off.

Now that I've seen the movie? My opinion is still the same.

Let me just list off some of the similarities:

• Giant robots controlled through neural connections
• The idea of a sync ratio between the pilot and the robot: (In the case of pacific rim there's also the drift between pilots and how their minds meld into one. Sound similar to the end of eva? yeah.)
• In one of the first scenes with the pilots helmets, you see an orange liquid drain from the suits. LCL anyone?
• The pilots wear tight body suits that have connectors to hook up to the machines better.
• The quiet female character has blue hair (Rei has full blue, Mori has just blue tips)
• The Main character runs away for a period of time before coming back to save the day... after someone scolds them for running away.
• The male and female leads are in love and have a great sync ratio with each other (No flame bait for people who prefer Shinja x Asuka over Shinja x Rei, but come on, Shinji and Rei were more compatable when working together as clearly shown in the episode "Dance like you want to win" similarally, Rally in pacific ocean shares a better connection with Mori over any of the other hotheaded pilots he meets ) 
• There's a big council cutting off the budget to the organization with robots
• Big monsters tear apart the robots in inhuman rage and destroy everything
• monsters that spits acid that melts building http://wiki.evageeks.org/Matarael
• The chainsaw knife that deploys from the machines body and the prog knife from eva
• Fighting giant monsters in close hand to hand combat is more effective than long range weapons.
• Over bearing father figure controlling all the action (Marshall and Gendo)
• The red robot... and the four eyes on one of the other ones.
• The robot standing with no power while it's pilots are at the mercy of the monster in front of it (Asuka/Reis' eva's when fighting http://wiki.evageeks.org/Zeruel, which is killed brutally by the main character when he swoops in to save the day) 
• The hot headed pilot makes a noble sacrifice so the other pilots can go on (asuka in EoE)
• The protaganists machine has a dual core that allows it to operate when the other machines cant. Eva 01 has the s2 organ to do the same, and the Gipsy has a duel nuclear core.
• The main characters both lose their machine
• EoE ends with the ocean and not being able to breathe, so does Pacific Rim. And then, the series ends with clapping, so does Pacific Rim.
• Quirky scientists performing morally unsound experiments regardless of orders. 
• THIS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCcFTeDdq_Q
• I'm sure there's plenty more. But those are the ones I can remember after seeing it once. 

Calm on the outside as usual

Today I was in a mood.

Feeling retrospective and contemplative I decided to sit, listen to music (Imogen Heap) and think about my life.

It was amazing how many small things I could remember back from elementary school and preschool and onward. Things that were so small and meaningless, but yet still held enough meeting for me to remember them after over a decade.

One of my roommates came out and handed me a mimosa that she had made. It was tasty. We sat and we talked, and she told me how she had told her friend back in California about me and how similar him and I were. Then she added that we were very similar, except that I wasn't depressed -- at least not visibly on the outside. We talked about how sad it was that so many people are depressed and she asked me a funny question.

"Do you ever look in the mirror and realize you're really annoying?"

I agreed outloud, because of course I feel like i'm annoying to my friends. After all, I send off texts with useless information to them out of the blue, I text friends I haven't talked to in months with nothing but the words "Love you!" and I startup conversations for no reason other than to hear from them. I call it keeping in touch, but I feel like it's probably annoying. I don't know how to moderate myself in that regard. How much is too much? Who gets the last word in? When should I stop texting/chatting?

And of course internally while I'm explaining to her how I feel like I annoy my friend S with my constant bombardment of "I miss your face", I'm thinking to myself

"Do you ever look in the mirror and just hate who you are?"

Of course I didn't ask that, but her question immediately made me think of hating myself and those moments of staring and wondering why I do what I do and if I could change. I've resigned myself to life after college being lonely. It's fine. But I don't see any chance of meeting someone exciting and new, someone who I can be myself with and I don't see myself finding a partner anytime soon. Too many other things to deal with.

I asked her if she felt like she was annoying and she laughed and said "of course!" and we discussed her feeling like she's too bossy with her siblings and stuff. I told her how I felt, that she wasn't annoying, she was just very full of life and it was a good thing. She laughed because she's been told she's full of life before. Which isn't surprising. When you're a person who has that kind of magnetism and feeling for how to live, it's not surprising that people are attracted to it and want to befriends with you, and if they have to describe it, then full of life works perfectly fine.


Of course, -- and this may be projection -- but I find that when people ask questions like that, and reflect on themselves and what others say about them, that perhaps maybe they're not as happy as they seem. For example, she perceives me as a calm person who is collected and is not depressed like her friend. Yet, the moment she asks me a question that causes self introspective I can't help but immediately jump to negativity about myself. It makes me wonder if when I told her she was full of life, if perhaps she doesn't quite feel the same about herself. -- of course, that's conjecture and probably projection of my current feelings onto her. So who knows.

The heart of another is an impossible thing to understand. I can no more fathom it then I can move the stars.

Time to go to sleep and sleep off this irritating feeling of self introspective. It's not conducive to my mental health I think.

Ignored

When you're excited about something, most people share right?

I get excited when I'm programming. So I like to share. My friends are sitting on chat, and I chat 1 or 3 of them and tell them what I'm doing. They're status changes to away.

Why am I ignored when I just want to share something I love?