esoteric

Well It's about 6:00am... I woke up around 3 after going to bed around 8 or so, so I guess it's my fault for getting to bed so early. But I'm awake and hanging out in the lounge of my dorm. It's been a while since I've gotten to just sit alone with my thoughts.

I'm watching the two water twoers blink their warning lights to all the planes and thinking about the piano in front of me and not looking at the screen at all while I type this. In fact, I'm looking up at the cieling listening to maroon 5. It really is impressive what the human brain can do, or rather, what muscle memory can do. Beause I'm honestly not looking at the screen at all while I type this, yet I know where, hm.. probably most of the letters are. And as long as my hands don't become shifted off then I'll be fine. Also, It's suprising the speed that I can type with while not looking and be accurate and the fact that I only really use 3 fingers on each hang when I type. I don't really use my ring finger on my left hand, And I use my pinky on my right hand a good amount too.

Ok, now I'm going to look at my screen....

Hm, not bad, towers, ceiling, because, surprising.... dunno why pinky is underlined... I guess it's not a real word? Or maybe it's supposed to be pinkie? Ah, there we go, no red lines.

Anyway, besides typing and musing about how strange muscle memory is. I'm sitting by myself, but I'm not really thinking in all honesty. Obviously, I'm thinking something or another, but nothing is really up in my brain thats bugging me. Just gotta work on some code a little and stuff and get things to be... Oh hey... I just saw some snow!

It's snowing :)

Jaded

Things have settled down a little bit. I've grown accustomed to my work load. I have plenty of projects and things to keep me busy. I work hard from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. I have math homework regularly, and for the most part it makes sense, and I don't have too many problems with the material anymore. Just how long that it takes to complete.

This last week was pretty awful. Three physics assignments due on the same day as two calculus assignments. In addition to that, a paper to read and a paper to write, as well as an assignment for my Evolutionary Robotics class. I did it all, and had to stay up late to do so, but it was done.

Even though I'm constantly bogged down with working on homework and projects, I'm not as stressed out anymore. I suppose I'm just used to it now. Just like I'm used to being alone. It's always difficult at first, when I go from being with someone, or deriving pleasure from being with a friend or something whom I'm interested in, but after a while. I grow numb to the pain. It's like when someone pinches you. It hurts at first, but if they hold on for a while, the pain fades away. You become used to being in pain. Or when you're being tickled, I don't know if anyone else ever does this, but you can harden yourself against it, shut out the laughter and sensations from it, and become unaffected by it. I suppose the word I'm looking at right it jaded. My friend told me I sounded so last night.

I was talking to her, and playfully talking about how being bored during sex, or playing video games or getting a drink while doing it out of boredom, and she told me that I was jaded. I understand the word from context, but was curious, so we looked it up.
Jaded

Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.
Synonyms:	weary - tired - exhausted

I suppose this sums me up pretty well. I normally use the word apathetic, but I guess jaded works well. It pretty much describes how I feel about sexual pleasure right now, and a lot of other things. One of the few things I am not tired of or bored is solving problems. And perhaps that's why I enjoy working on projects so much. Currently my group in CS Crew is working on creating a smartboard using a wiimote as the sensor unit. It's very interesting to me, and we were even granted money from the CS Faculty to but the supplies to create the infrared pen that the wiimote detects. It's very nice, I love working on it and solving problems. There are 5 other people in the group, we only meet twice a week, but normally 4 of the group members only stay for about an hour working on things, and normally I stay for 4 hours, and occasionally my friend Scott stays for a while as well, although not normally as long as I do. I think I'm pretty much an unofficial project manager of the group, or at least thats how I feel about it anyway. I've been pushing the group along, trying to get goals done and figuring out how everything works together, between the GUI that is drawn upon, and the engine that receives the input from the wiimote. We're using C# and it's very interesting to learn a language and how to interface with the library we're using as well.

Wow, see what I mean? I've plenty of enthusiasm for my work and projects, but none for going out and  meeting new people, or meeting future love interests. It's just not as interesting to me as other things. That's not to say that I'm not interested in the people themselves I suppose. Its not like when I see an attractive person I ignore them or something, I might still have thoughts about what it might be like I suppose, as most guys do, but it's whatever to me. I know it's not going to happen and don't need to have any expectations. That way is better as well I think. Having no expectations means you can't be disappointed. Perhaps its a pessimistic attitude, but I'm not sure. Is it normal to feel like that? Should I even care? Why would one want to be normal when one can be extraordinary in things? Whats the point of being a social butterfly and running around making tons of friends, what affect does that have? A brief pleasure in the grand scheme of multiple lives is still a small pleasure and a fading one at that. But if you work hard at something, and become an expert or a worthwhile member of a community that creates new advances and helps so many people, isnt that worth more? Isn't that why I'm here? What else would be the point of living, but to help others? And to help them in more than just a fleeting manner.

I suppose when I started writing I just wanted to put something a little different then my previous posts, because they were all just rants and such. But I suppose I ended up ranting a little anyway, although I'm not angry or anything like that at all. I'm rather content with how things are right now, I feel like I'm learning a little bit at a time and making advances. I really want to get an internship. I saw a thing to do research for the navy and the pay is good too. I'd like to do that I think, it seems like a worthwhile career choice. But then I ask myself. Am I choosing this because I'm interested and want to do it, or because I feel that I need to because I've chosen this path for myself? Am I just doing it all to satisfy other people, do I really have no regard for myself? I couldn't believe myself if I said I was that selfless, but I truly believe I'm not doing it for the money, maybe I'm trying to make a name of myself and be recognize by people I respect. But I honestly have no clue. I know what I think I want, but I don't know if I actually want it or I'm just trying to please something or someone that I don't even understand.

I hope I won't become jaded by my work. I love it very much. And I don't know what I would do, or who I would be without them. I wonder if that's bad, am I obsessed with staying busy? Even if I am, would that be a bad thing? Who defines these things? Too much of something is bad for you? So does that apply to living as well I wonder? All things must die. But what if I wanted to live forever? How long is forever anyway.?
I realize it's in-feasible, but why not. Is thinking too much wrong? If I'm always busy with work, and always thinking then is there something wrong with that? Is it so wrong to think so much and to ignore other things? People, feelings, emotions, sex, is it wrong? I just wish I had someone who I could to and who could tell me the answers to my questions. I have so many questions and not enough time to get the answers to them all, but I want to so badly. I just want to know the answers. Isn't that what drives people? What else could? I don't understand other people, how can some people just float along in life so carelessly, not worrying about the needs of other people and things like that. I don't understand.

Just a quote I'm feeling right now

"if... real forces of evil kill my friend, the violence introduces intimacy in its most active form... in the mournful revelation of death, I am in accord with the divinity of goodness that condemns a cruel act... I call for the violence that will restore the destroyed order. But in reality it is not violence but crime that has opened divine intimacy to me... only vengeance that is commanded by passion and a taste for untrammeled violence is divine"

-Theory Of Religion Pg. 81

Write a book

Although initially suggested as a bit of a joke, one of my friends suggested I write a book. I'm considering it. I think I'd call it fundamentals of programming, a multilingual approach. And use Lisp, C++, and Python or Basic to teach examples in parallel and to drive home how the concepts are the same between languages even if the languages themselves are different.

Stress

I feel like I'm dealing with a lot of stress in my life right now, but I have no one to blame for it but myself really. So, if you'd prefer to spend your day or night reading something less whiny, bitchy, and overall depressing. Leave now.

<rant>

So it's just been piling up for a month or so now, approximately a month and 20 days or so I'd imagine. Right around the time where there was probably a flurry of activity on this blog and then a period of silence while I focused on schoolwork.

Let's start at the beginning.

I was having an undefined relationship with a girl I had been introduced to by a good friend of mine. Her and I hit it off, and ended up having a sort of going out phase toward the end of the year, we never were officially going out or anything, and just left it as a simple FWB situation, but we both knew that we were getting attached.

The summer didn't help break that. We talked almost everyday for at least a month, sometimes just calling each other out of the blue to say hello, or to inform the other of some particularly bad sex they had had. It was a very open relationship. We talked and talked, and had a good time, then toward the end of the summer she called me and decided that she really didn't want a relationship right now because she couldn't handle it, she was scared she'd hurt me somehow because of the way she is. I agreed with her that it might be best if we stopped doing anything beyond just being friends, but told her that if she changed her mind, I'd be down to try out an actual relationship with her.

Long story short, that didn't happen, whether due to minds already being made up, or to things I said out of some stupid area of my brain that says the wrong thing, and we now hardly talk to each other or see each other. Overall, it's not terrible and I don't really miss her that much. The focus of our friendship and brief fling was sex. And without that, everything that was built up came crumbling down and left me feeling a bit winded and numb to the situation.

Once I oriented myself a little bit, figured out that it wasn't going to change anything really, I moved on with my life. Sure I had no girl to hold, but I had my work, and that's all I needed I decided. I took a very full course load this semester. Five classes, all above the one hundred level except for physics, but that class is still hard because after all, it's physics. One of the classes is a graduate level class that I decided to take 'for fun' because the material sounded interesting.

Surprisingly enough, I met my new infatuation not too soon after school started. Just a friend of a friend who happens to live on the same floor as I do. We  became friends quickly and hung our regularly. I began teaching her guitar and explained concepts of computer science to her, she was interested in it and listened and understood everything with semi clarity. Considering the level of computer science knowledge inherent in a person my age is rather low most of the time (facebook and word do not count), I was pleasantly surprised and really enjoyed her company. The classes she's taking are also interesting, as most of her classes involve theatre work and I was a stage manager in high school, we had things to talk about on her end as well. We even helped each other study for each other's midterms and learned things we would have otherwise not known. A particular night that stood out in my mind was the night we stayed up until 5AM talking in her room. Just lying on her bed and talking, I was pushing my luck a bit and was rather close to her, but she was fine with it. We had discussed how I was an exception to her no touching policy between friends. And that she really didn't mind when I touched her or was very close to her. I wanted to kiss her so bad. But, as per usual, I didn't. Emotions are a tricky thing, and I attempt to never act solely based on them. Unfortunate for me when the only way to date someone is to somehow push past that boundary. I got a hug at the end of the night when I went to bed, and I was rather pleased. Things were going slowly, but the overall trend had been promising. All my school work was assaulting me with assignments and difficult problems, but I persevered and even relished some of the challenges because I had my thoughts of her prodding me along. Why is always so much easier to be happy and face challenges when you feel like someone likes you?

As you might have guessed, things went wrong. Not because I acted and she rejected me or anything like that, no, something that I didn't see coming, but am not surprised about. She got a boyfriend. A guy in her class. I didn't know anything more than his name when I first saw the face book update to her relationship status, I was struck by it. Just sitting in my news feed, sitting there mocking me for all my hopes. I brought it up humorously with her the next day before we ate breakfast together, she facepalmed and complained about how it was important to him that it be on facebook. It was rather funny, seeing the usual feminine qualities of someone who needs to show off their status in the male side of the relationship. Granted she is a bit of a tom boy, it was still funny.

Feeling rather put out by the whole situation, I happened to say hello to her when she was studying for a midterm and she happened to have some other person with her. I immediately recognized him as a former classmate, and when she introduced him as who I knew him to be, I was even more thrown into a slump. He's attractive. He's confident. He's able. He's funny. He's charming. He's hardworking. He's everything that I hear when girls moan about the perfect man. I'm no competition. The only thing I have going on is that in the field of science I'm probably more endowed than he is. But what of it? If I can't be half as confident and wonderful as him, how could I have hoped to beat him? At first, I thought that, oh maybe it's just a relationship that will fall apart and nothing will come from it, but as I always do, I knew that that's not even what I wanted. I have an irritating trait. If someone I happen to like, ends up with someone I know. I back off. I wish them all the happiness I can. I hope that they'll do well, not for the person who I'm jealous of, but because I really want the person whom I also share fondness for to be happy.

Then came the schoolwork. With my feel-good missing in action, I began to be more stressed out by assignments, and the ever looming calculus quizes that seemed to become infinitely harder beat me into submission. The final nail on the coffin was when my professor 'suggested' I come to his office for help with the material, because obviously I wasn't understanding it right. Let me just state. I have NEVER been to a professors office hours. I have NEVER NEEDED any help besides my own wit and intellect. And the audacity of this man to suggest such a thing... such was my thought process when I read that email. I suppose that wasn't the final nail, this was, after submitting an online assignment, I immediately received a response from the professor telling me that some plot in the first exercise was "obviously wrong". Looking at the specified problem, I noticed that yes, it didn't make a lot of sense. In my frustration and stress I had neglected to actually think about the problem at hand. But for some reason, that night being the night I saw the update in my news field, it was too much for me. Luckily for my ego, my roommate happened to be over a friends house. So the only one bearing witness to my crying, literally, over a math problem was shared only to me and to anyone (not that there is) who reads this.

The feeling hasn't gone away either. Music doesn't help me, thinking about other things doesn't help me. Concentrating on my schoolwork only serves to frustrate me when the same professor condescendingly tells me that my approach to a problem I got wrong was naive and foolish. I know I shouldn't take things he says personally, but it's hard when you're used to being capable and all of a sudden you're the class idiot, and it seems like everyone understands but you.


So I just sit here, feeling sick, numb, and dreary. Trying to ignore the feeling and hiding it from my friends here as best I can, blaming anything they notice on my heel, which has ripped open due to some shoe problem's I've had.(I currently limp rather heavily) What's worst? Even though I feel awful, the tears won't come. The one thing that would probably help me let go of everything, to just sob and cry until I got everything out will not come. I can think depressing thoughts, it won't come. I can think about the girls I've loved and how I've been torn to shreds by all of them and still nothing. And that's the worse thing. My analytically mind I'm so satisfied with, that allows my peers to say to themselves, I don't understand, let's go ask Ethan, prevents me from feeling my emotions fully. I hate it, I say I hate it, but yet, I feel numb even while trying to decipher whether I'm actually feeling hate or not.

I'm so tired of being so fucked up.

</rant>

sigh

well, at least I still have my work

...

I hate sitting here wondering what she thinks of me

Maple Apple Pancakes

Well, I'm sitting here munching on some pancakes, listening to Muse, reading the book 'Classic Feynman' which is very good by the way, I'd recommend it to anyone who likes wonderfully insane people and their thoughts, anywho, doing a robotics assignment and watching my roommate shut out the world with headphones. Oh, and I'm setting up a time to help someone with homework.

Now you might wonder, why so many things at once? Well, I have time to do things, but not enough time to do everything I'd like to. So I'm multitasking! It's a wonderful thing. Oh, I forgot, I'm also writing this blog! Feynman was a very interesting man, I feel like him and I would have gotten along terrifically, he seems a little eccentric and crazy, but motivated and enthusiastic about his passion. All around wonderful.

I'm mainly writing because my schedule has been so full! It's keeping me from doing anything, side projects are all but gone currently, the only thing I keep on the side is trying to think of interesting things, and maybe trying to apply what im learning about evolution to computing stuff.

It's funny, my cluster program I made recently, employs a lot of standards in the evolutionary computation field. And I did it without even knowing! Maybe I should work in that field, I seem to have a knack for it.

I just don't understand them

What is it about women that confound men so? Why can't they just make logical decisions and listen to good common sense. And better yet, why can't they just be mature.

When you tell someone that you're still going to be friends, that doesn't mean avoid them. That doesn't mean stop talking to any mutual friends of yours that are more of theirs than yours, it doesn't mean that you should haphazardly accidently inform them about big decisions that affect both of you via third party.
I just wish that she'd she sit down and talk to me about this like an adult.

how unfortunate

August 23 2011

I had everything I could ask for. And it was taken away from me in a single day. I had the love of a woman, she got scared at how much she cared for me and decided she didn't want to do anything anymore. I had the respect of my peers, I failed to demonstrate skills I should have. I had confidence to do whatever I wanted to do, it is gone with her love. I was looking forward to school, not just because of a burning desire to learn and become a great computer scientist, but because of the things that her and I would be doing, experimenting with. She was my confidant, I confided some of the deepest secrets I had with her, and I trusted her. I still trust her to never tell, and to never do anything with that knowledge. She helped me open up and accept myself some more. Can I stay open without her foot in the door? Or will I close up again like before. I saw my big ex, the one who makes me feel sick just thinking about her, and then all of this happens. I know I can't blame her for that, but goddamned if I don't feel like it was her fault somehow. My life will continue, and I will move on, but for a little while, I had happiness in all aspects of my life. Now I can only hope to attain it again. I didn't realise how happy the girl I've lost had made me, I hope that I can find that feeling again.

some simple truths

Tomorrow is a new day

It is not only the world that changes, it is you

What you want will happen when you don't want it

You cannot have one without two

we make our own path and we must walk it

the only one who can change you is yourself

respect is earned not given

time does not heal all wounds

it only takes one wrong turn to ruin someone

Everyone lies

faith and commitment is not always rewarded

You cannot please everyone, if you must choose, please yourself

Hatred helps nothing

A clear heart within a playful body makes for a vivid life

The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

It is worth it

We are a function of our environment

shit happens accept it

maturity is learning from the scars you've been given

if it still hurts you still care

life is opportunity

you are a victim of the rules you live by

scroogey K

There's just something about a girl that can break a man. While that's not an exact quote, it's pretty close to a lyric from a Jason Mraz song I know. Anyway, the best few weekends, I've been hanging out with a girl my friend K set me up with. It's been going well, K set us up because we were both looking for, to be blunt, a fuck buddy. It turns out that we mesh pretty well together, and so far it's been really nice. Hanging out primarily on the weekends when we both have nights to spare. She's bisexual and we talk about both girls and guys when we talk about sex. We share a very similar taste in women. The ultra skinny, semi gothic look. It's very attractive. anywho, I suppose I'm writing because I'm once again confused. But this time it's not even my fault! I swear.

I was talking to K today before I ate some lunch and she was talking about how the girl and I look cute together, and such. And that we cuddle after sex and the like. Anyway, she decided to drop a bombshell on my face. She asked me if I had thought about actually dating the girl. I struggled with an answer. I wanted to say that I had thought about it, but I hadn't really. The thought had flickered across my synapsis's a few times perhaps, but never for actual consideration. But when K asked me, it brought it up to the forefront and I had to ask myself what I would do. I told her that, I had thought about it, but that I think one of the reasons it's working out well is because we're not exclusive and if she has sex with someone else it won't hurt me because we're not together. I suppose that doesn't really make sense in some ways. But, by not actually dating her, I protect myself from being hurt, but because we're fuck buddies, I still get the benefit of being with her when I choose to be. After I had poorly explained that concept in far less detail to K, she said that she had asked her friend the same question. And that she had said that she had thought about it, or something like that. I dunno, it doesn't really change anything to me. I mean, it does, and it doesn't. She's not the kind of girl to be tied down, she's full of life and ready to live it to the fullest, a boyfriend isn't what she needs in my opinion. Of course, devils advocate in me pops up, and states that maybe she needs an anchor, and that that anchor could be me.

Ugh, anyway. I suppose half the reason I'm writing is because I haven't written in a while, and a lot has happened in my life since I last wrote. For example, the last time I wrote, the most interesting thing in my life was the coding projects I do. And I mean, those are still very interesting to me, and I'm currently working on the runtime analysis and optimization of my program, but I have this damn libido bugging me again. I was at an equilibrium I thought, I was content with being single again. But just as I become alright with myself again, I find someone who can make me feel the ways I haven't dared to feel in a long time. God, I sound like a lovesick fool. I know that's not the truth of it. I'm not in love. Love is a self hypnosis designed to try to quell our urge to leave a woman behind. I won't be a fool to it, and won't allow myself to be wounded like I've been before. If that makes me a scrooge I don't care...

Moving on up, bababa to the east side bababa

My weekend was fantastic!

Unfortunately for the tech side of me, I didn't get any time to work on my turret program (check out my other blog to see how that's going) but I did end up enjoying the company of a young woman. Her and I hung out the other weekend and had fun, and decided to hang out again. It was wonderful. Even if the day before that was super crappy. My friend was roaring drunk all day and stumbled into my room when I got home from work and was trying to relax. It was unfortunate for the whole relaxing thing I was trying to do. But, oh well, such is life. I cut my hand open on something in the back room at work which kinda sucked. Not to mention dealing with power outages nad such at the gym. Phew, but after all that, I still had a wonderful night and sunday morning.

And I did get some reading done in my book, so things are going well. Unfortunately, I don't I'm going to be able to finish all the books I got from the library, considering I'm only a third of the way through number 1/4 of them. Sigh, and I really wanted to read Natural and Artificial Intelligence by Armand M de Callatay...

reading

I finished my book, Godel Escher Bach by douglas Hoftstadter yesterday, and started in on The Essential Turing. That I picked up from the library a few days ago. I also have Natural and Artificial Intellice by "de Callatay" as well as A book on Noneuclidean geometry by Coxeter, and Knuths first volume of the art of programming. And I have a few other books that I got a while back that I need to read still.

So much reading so little time!

The halting problem and AI

Today I thought about what I would do if I was diagnosed with an incurable disease that would waste my body away to nothing. such as Lou Gehrig's disease (Steven Hawking's). I thought about it, and decided I would dedicate myself to my studies and try to accomplish as much as I could in my time. And hope that people would say, if he had lived longer, he would have accomplished many more great works. In all honestly, I hope people say that, disease or not.

I would like to become famous, not famous in the idea that everyone knows me, but that I would be famous in my field. That I might become someone which people look back on as a pioneer. Like Turing. I mean, besides computer scientists and engineering, most people don't know who he is. But, I mean, what he did was amazing. Not to mention his work with Church. there was new ground to be covered then, and there is still now, but it seems more elusive. And yet, somehow I find myself with my motto on my sleeve ready to tackle the very problems that my predecessors have struggled with. I want to be a host of all their knowledge, a sponge that absorbs what they know, but when wrung out, gives forth new information and gives the data in a different form, such as foam from water like a sponge. But more so than a sponge. I want to be an established member of society, and perhaps help usher in a new era. 

Lofty goals I know, in case you're wondering what I meant by my motto in that last paragraph. This is it: "It's the questions you ask that are important" I don't remember where I picked it up, or when I did, but I know that it's helped define how I approach problems in my life. Sometimes the most elegant solution to a problem is one that isn't at first the direct approach, but a more obscure question. I find myself pondering AI often. And I wonder if perhaps we aren't coming at it all wrong. We define intelligence as human intelligence. Obviously, if a computer or robot could perform all the things we could do, then we may dub it intelligent (or not really, but more on that later), but whose to say that we couldn't define intelligence in other measures? For example, artists and mathematicians are two separate breeds (most of the time) . But we might tell either they are intelligent. Perhaps, we would more likely attribute this feature to a person of math before one of art. But no doubt, you will agree with me that a gifted artist is equally intelligent as a gift mathematician? Just in different ways, it's not the way they perform that is intelligent, in fact, it's how they approach their fields that gives them intelligence. 

But I digress, at the core of that is them building off what they've learned, and learning is what we humans do. Whether it be through trial and error, lecture, or self analysis. I might say that this is what makes us intelligent as a species. That we can learn to approach numerous problems from equally numerous angles, use systematic ways to derive solutions to problems, but at the same time, throw the rule book to hell and just try things randomly. It's a bit hard imagining a computer being able to do all these things. A computer can be made to 'learn' but most of the time, the environment's whatever algorithm or code is running is a precise one. And probably not as complex as a real system. 

I was just thinking about this stuff today is all. It's an interesting though I suppose. In random other news, I've been trying to figure out if I'm even attracted to people anymore. I'm having a bit of a love affair with computers and semantics and symbol manipulation. It's all so fascinating and I can't get enough of it. I'm also wondering if I can't get a hold of Turing's original essay on compututable numbers. Where he proves the halting problem is unsolvable. Which I was thinking about the other day as well. I mean, if a program was known to take x amounts of steps, then couldn't it count down the steps as it went and then when it got to the second to last step it would say: I will terminate next step.  At first, this appealed to me. But then I realized, as you added in keeping track of those steps, you would end up increasing the number of steps taken. I suppose a pre count that takes that into affect could be it, but still. Consider this:

I will stop in 2 steps

I will stop in 1 steps

I will stop in 0 steps 

Stop

Looks good right? Not really, the stop is the next line, which is another step. You could do, this

I will stop in 2 steps

I will stop in 1 step

Stop

and it would be correct. But how exactly are you going to generalize this?

A program P takes S amounts of steps. If P is given code to keep track of this, and update itself then the amount of steps is increased, the amount increased, it given by the complexity of the code itself. However, by adding in the counting, did we not make the code more complex? To take effect into this complexity, we must make P more complex... I'm sure you can sense where this is going. For simple programs this is easy, take for example this python snippet:

for i in range(10):

     print "I will stop running after the character after the colon is 0 :",

     print i

At first, this looks good. After all, it told you when it would stop right? and when the number after the colon is 0, it really does stop. Or it looks like it in the output. But as you see by the code this is not the case. Let me switch to another language to make this clearer:

for(int i = 10; i >= 0; i--)

      std::cout << "I will stop running after the character after the colon is 0 :" << i << std::endl;

As oppose to pythons in range, this for loop is a little more specific. And also, I can tell you more just looking at this lower level c++ code. first off, the output is the same, but, the loop runs and after a few runs i is equal to 0, The loop runs one more time printing out it's output. But then, it tells the output it's ending a line, and hops back to the for loop condition statement after decreasing i by 1. It checks the condition of i >= 0, finds it to be false, and hops out. 

I'd say that the program is lying if it tells me it stops running after it's printed out 0. It might not have been as obvious in the python code as it was in the c++ because python has a bit more abstract coding, then lower level coding.  Those two snippets tell my point though. As we increased the complexity, the way to count the steps and decrement increased as well. A one line program of "I will stop now" still must call the I/O processes to show this to the user, and also return from the main function call of the program. As well as to release control back to the host computer, and numerous other small tasks such as garbage collection. What about program lines ? 

After all, as coders when we boast: I wrote 10,000 lines of code yesterday, we are quite proud of our achievement most of the time. But say we try to do what we did before? 

in Java, 

public class t{

      public static int main(String[] args){

             System.out.println("this program will terminate in 2 lines of code after this one");

      }

}

indeed, we may argue this to be true. But at the same time we can argue against it. You might think this absurd, but it's not to hard to ruin an argument on an ambiguous statement as line. When we say line in this context, we assume to mean to lines of the text we have written. But how many machine instructions are in each line of a program? And if we placed those onto lines, how many would there be? 

I suppose you can say I cheated, as I took the code out of it's original bindings. But after all, when we say the program terminates, do we mean we have run out of code to run, or we have run out of things to do? OR that we have told the computer we are running our program on that this program is done? It's all about the questions we ask isn't it?

One more example! 

Say we want to know when our program ends. We might run it a few times, looking at how long it takes to execute. This won't work because the speed of the program depends on more than the program itself, but also the context it's run in. That is, the architecture and specifications of the computer in which the program is housed. No? 

We can try to work around this, using Big-O notation. A common tool we use to measure running time complexity, and upper and lower bounds of algorithms. For example, say we have an external hashing program that uses disk page I/O. Each disk page read/write operation takes 5 milliseconds or so, every time. We say an external hashing algorithm that is based off keys has O(1) because it always takes constant time for the algorithm to do it's work on a single page. This is nice to know, and in fact, given that you must do 5 read write inserts or whatever, you would instantly know that it takes 25 milliseconds to execute those instructions. Halting problem solved right? Nope. How would you tell a program that it's going to stop after that time? You can't. 

First off, you can't really tell a program anything that has semantic meaning to you anyway. Why? Because computers are mainly designed to work on syntax, and symbols. On a high level these symbols might have semantics, and might even dictate some behavior of the machine itself. But, still at it's base core, the computer is just plugging and chugging machine code. It's just following instructions without thinking, without knowing that it might be able to do something a different way. It's programmed to do one thing, and one thing only. 

So, if we can't get semantics involved in our computing, how could you ever get AI working? I haven't fully told out all my ideas, but when you think about it. All the semantics we have, all the meaning and thoughts we have are based off of a intensely complex set of instructions. Our DNA and ribosomes that operate on it. Ribosomes are like little turing machines! It's great. Anyway though, it's time for bed I believe, so I hope that that helped stimulate some thought in you all

Next Semester! (Will be HELL)

Well, I've pretty much figured out the classes I'm going to be taking:

Let me paint you the picture:
Wake up on monday morning:
Struggle out of bed, brush teeth run off to Calc 3 for 8:30-9:20
After that rush over to the next building for fundamentals of physics
Once thats over with, relax in a dining hall on central campus, reading over notes and eating until 11:45 when I run over to my computer organization class.
After that read a bit more and maybe eat if I'm still hungry, once it's 1:55 mozy on over to Evolutionary robotics to get my awesome on.

tuesday:
Wake up and brush teeth and eat, head over to Evolutionary Computation at 10 go over to it, get out, do homework for all my classes and then sleep. Only one class, bing bing!

Wednesday: same as monday

thursday!
Wake up for 8:30-9:45 calc 3 again! Moan and bitch about courseload while doing homework until 10 (only 15 minutes of bitching of course!) when I run over to Evolutionary computation. after that, same as tuesday

Friday!
Wake up and go through monday's routine with an added twist at the end! At 4:05 go to a 2 hour or so physics lab! After that, contemplate how much illegal drinking is worth, decide against it, and sit and code and study!

And as all of this is happening, perhaps I'll TA a program'n class or work a work study job as well.

Saturday and Sunday? Lay comotosed on bed by amount of knowledge intake while reading every course book ever.

Tommorow is a new day

You know, last night I was lying in bed and just thinking, my roommate and I say said goodnight to each other and I almost said: "Tommorow's a new day"

This struck me. Because it's what my mother always repeated to me whenever she would tell me goodnight. And I realized, that it was that attitude which continues to push me forward. Yeah, today might suck, but tomorrow is a new day. Today was awesome? Tomorrows a new day and it will be just as promising. It's so simple, but so freeing. And as I was thinking about this, another bit of info popped up in my head, about talking to my friend Julie earlier about how I'm going to send my children to church 'til they hit their teenage years. Why? Not because I want them to believe in some religious god or something, but because it instills good moral values. And helps to shape development towards a nicer and kinder person. I know that I despised being woken up in the mornings to go to church, but I still went. And sometimes when I was in a bad situation, I was able to extract myself out and realize that whatever was happening was wrong. It taught me kindness and to think of other people's shoes.

I'm not saying that people can't come to be like this without a church-upbringing, but I'm pretty sure it probably helps. Maybe if I had gone longer and paid more attention I wouldn't be such a selfish person sometimes.

Recently I've caught myself being selfish, and I've acknowledged it to myself and then continued on. This might not be that great, because I'm not actually doing anything about it, which I guess could be considered worse. But, at least I'm starting to notice when I'm putting myself first. For example, my roommate wanted to get a single for next year. I didn't take any offense, I know he just likes his own time and space and such, and I was alright with rooming with 'a random' so to speak. So I told him to figure out where he would be living and such and if he couldn't get a single to let me know before the deadline for housing contracts. Long story short, he couldn't get a single so we, or rather I, went to the virtual tours of the other dorms. Because I didn't want to live in the same building again due to it's lack of social environment. I found a nice one that had already kinda stuck itself into my head (affectionately called the Castle, or the haunted Castle, etc.) and asked him about it. I then marketed and sold him on it. It wasn't hard because it was a good choice of rooming and such, but I was thinking about it yesterday and wondering if somehow I was being selfish and forcing him to room with me there and if I had made all the decisions and not just him.

There's not really a good way to tell in my opinion. But sometimes it's just those moments that irk me a bit. But then a qualify and justify and selfishness, and I do so with a simple logic: This is my life, this is my college time, I will do what I have to do in order to get the education I need to make my life the best it can be in the future.  This can get me in situations sometimes when what I do is... not so morally correct by own ethics. I try to follow a bit of Kantian philosophy with a bit of u-calc (Utilitarian Calculus) that I learned from my health care ethics class. I identity with not using people as means to an end, but at the same time, if the overall effect of using one person helps a multitude, then my u-calc kicks in and lo' n behold I've used someone to get somewhere. It happens. Alot I'm sure if you think about it.

Made a new Blog

Hi everyone, just letting anyone whoever stops by here to see the computer science related projects I do, they're now on my other blog, EthanEldridgeCS.blogspot.com.

XY Velocity for a projectile? Solved for

Alright, So last I left off I had coded how to deal with projectiles moving in a strictly horizontal or vertical way. And was waiting on making the code for dealing with both velocities. At first I thought I would have to deal with some type of equation of two variables and solve form both of them using some complex business, but it turns out the method I use is at least 3x simpler than that.
So, first off I use the same method I've been using to get the time interval I should be using in my estimates. since I've described that in previous blogs I won't bother redefining it here. From that I get my hBound variable which is the top of said time interval. From here, I can compute how far the projectile will travel in the time given that it travels at a constant speed of 2.0 units. I then figure out the heading of my turret to aim at so it points at the targets estimated position after hBound time. From here all I need is the vector to give to the projectile as its x movement and y movement. So, using the cos of the gun's theta times the distance of the projectile as the x component and the sin of the guns theta times the distance of the projectile as the y component, I make up my vector. From this I have a triangle that may or may not overshoot the position if fired at the wrong time. So how do I figure my delay time out?

Simple, I take the magnitude of that vector I just made and divide by hBound to get how many units of time it will take to traverse this hypotenuse I've created. If that number is equal to the time it takes for the projectile to get to the estimated position then hoorah fire right away, weapons free, danger close. If its less than that then set up delay which is as simple as Time of the target - Time of the projectile. And the other situation, where T(proj) > T(target) never occurs because that would violate the work above with the whole hBound thing, theres a reason it's called the hBound you know. From here things get pretty simple.

since I have my heading, my delay time (if there is one) all that is left to do is to fire. Which is done by created  anew object that has the position of the turret, the velocity vector is the heading vector of the turret(which has been normalized) multiplied by the velocitiy I know the projectile will travel (2.0 units), ahem. Tah-dah.

Now of course is where I fork myself, should I proceed to trying to create a 3d version of this? Or should I build up a simple library in DirectX to actually see whats going on instead of just numbers? Hmmm.

Horizontal Target Tracking

Woo!

Just finished coding the turret of my current project to lead a target thats moving only horizontally. It took me a while to wrap my head around alot of the numbers, and also I was accidentally using degrees to start off my turrets heading and not radians. Wups!

Anyway, so this is how I accomplish leading a target horizontally:


 first using vector arithmatic and dot products and arcCos, we get the heading we'll be firing on.
 then we account for possible time delays in order to account for differences in distance.

 Heres the code: there is some stuff missing that is declared a bit above, such as getting the hBound which is the time where the distance the projectile will travel becomes greater (or equal to) than the distance the target will travel in the same amount of time. This is used so that we can lead the target. But because we lead it, we need to make sure to fire at the correct time in order to score a direct hit. So thats why we do some subtraction between the amount of distance and time and all that. Anyway: Heres the code:



if(target.velocity.y == 0 && target.velocity.x != 0){ //target only moves horizontally
                //get the heading to fire on.
                estMagPos = estMagPos + estMagVel*hBound;
                Vector2D gt =  (estMagPos - gun.position ).Normalize();
                gun.theta -= acos(Dot(gt,gun.heading));
                gun.heading = gt;
                //now, account for leading and time delay
                //hBound * vel = how much distance the proj will travel. 
                //Use the gun.theta and this to resolve the vector into it's components
                //then the distance between the (hBound * vel) - x of target
                double projd = hBound * vel;
                projd = (cos(gun.theta ))*projd; // x distance of vector
                double deltax = projd - estMagPos.x;
                double waitT = deltax/vel;
                gun.countdown = -waitT; //negation to make positive. no neg times
                gun.locked = true;
                std::cout << "Target Locked. Countdown Til Firing: " << gun.countdown << std::endl;
                system("hal target lockd");


So, the calls to system and hal are just a speech program to say the string aloud. 

Getting a bit farther with my vectors

 So I've gotten a bit father with things, these two images show some of the thought process on what I'm working on right now.
Which is, targeting and leading when the object is moving horizontally only. I've already worked out the case for the stationary target, which is the easiest, so now I'm working on the next easiest (I think) which is just horizontal movement.

this image right here shows how I was trying to think about zones and ranges of the turret.

normally, I would go into detail on more stuff. But I'm pressed for time right now, but once I get back to the world of internets, then I will gladly post and describe all the difficulties I've been having and how I've been solving them.

coming close of vacation.

So, my vacation is starting to come to a close. And I'm looking at what I expected from this vacation, and what I actually got.

I expected that I would, maybe not get laid, but find someone here who might be a friend who I could share attraction with. And maybe have a brief fling. I did kiss one of my friends, but it's normal for her and I to kiss. We're close, and the kissing really doesn't mean much. I kiss a few of my female friends on the cheeks when I see or leave them, this one I kiss on either the cheek or the lips. It's not a romantic kiss though, it's kind of like an italian kiss I suppose because it's more friendly than anything else. Anyway, getting off topic here aren't I? I expected to maybe cuddle with a specific friend and to admit some feelings for her. That didn't happen, because even though I saw her twice... maybe three times, it was always with a group. And since she invited people to events that we had planned on doing. I'm taking her hint that she just wants to be friends who tell each other they love each other and act like boyfriend girlfirend without the actual physical affection and only the virtual. It's just fake. I'm not a fake person, most of the time, and I don't especially enjoy fake. I do put on my smile for a good amount of the day, and I tend to shrug off my insecurities and sweep all my problems under an apathetic bed. I don't want a fake relationship, and I don't want a fake love, because after pretending for so long, it starts to feel like it might actually be something. I'm tired of that illusion. ... cough. I expected to see lots of friends and catch up on old times. That kind of happened, with one of my friends. The weird thing is, it was a friend who I am close with, but she was the only one who actually gave a damn to ask about me. Most of my conversations go something like this:
Hi, hi, how are you, and then they go on for a while, when they stop, they don't ask about me, so I further the conversation by asking them how their lives are going. And then the topic is them, them, them. I wish that for once or twice, maybe I could be the topic.

I think I'm mainly annoyed at the level of drama that occured while I was home. As noted by my previous rather depressing blogpost, my friend screwed up his relationship with his girl, and happened to do it with the girl who I was falling for. It's the reason I took a walk yesterday. Loaded the playlist I talked about onto my mp3 player and went for a walk in the crappy overcast weather. It was good, I got a good amount of thinking done. I was trying to figure out if I actually really like the girl enough to go for it, or if I'm more attracted to her as a friend. I didn't really figure too much out. But, I do think I'm attracted to her based on our common fuck ups. A'la she has baggage. Much in the same way I do. She still thinks about her big ex, and mentions him a lot. He was a big part of her life, so its no wonder a lot of things still remind her of him. And I think I like that about her, because I feel the same way about my ex from a long time ago. Everything still reminds me of her. Maybe that's why coming back home is kind of painful sometimes.

I expected more from my vacation, maybe some sunshine. I know I can't control the weather, but I've seen the sun once this entire week. It's frustrating when you want to go out and do fun things with friends, but they dont want to because the weather is shitty. It's rather annoyying and difficult.

I guess, when it comes down to it, I am looking forward to go back to VT, when I've talked to people over SMS, I've had to erase a part of a text that said: I only have x days before I go back home, multiple times, I guess I consider VT more home than this place to some extent. Maybe it's just nice to have a freshstart and not have all the people who already know you and stuff. Start new, find someone new, who hopefully wont fuck up my mind like my ex did.

Turret Estimation

Workin on my program some more:

So I've come up with a bit more code, and a few more interesting problems. I think I've figured out how to use my vectors correctly. I can use velocity vectors and position vectors to estimate the locations of objects. It's great.

The problem I've come up with is how to figure out where to rotate my turret to in order to fire. Because I have a few variables I need to keep track of, and keep in mind.

1. The projectiles statistics: the bullet or shell to be fired by the turret has a velocity vector and position vector. Once I move into a 3d space I may include a mass in here. But besides that, velocity is a straight float, why? Because I don't know which x y components to give the vector because I don't know the theta. so, a straight number like 2.5 m/s or something, allows me to estimate where to shoot the bullet. This will make sense once I describe my idea for this.
2. The target objects estimated path using the pings. This gives me a velocity vector and a position vector for the target.
3. The current heading, or theta of the turret.

So, my method, is briefly describe in the picture below.

I ran atrial of it last night, and it appeared to be working, but I do need to iron out some kinks in the simulation

Personal Crap, Playlist. Cheaters

Better to have loved and lost, then to have loved at all. What bullshit. People who have never had a girlfriend or had the kind of damage done to them that only a bad break up can inflict should count themselves lucky. If you never know how it feels to be broken, then aren't you better for it? You need to make mistakes to grow, but some times mistakes do the complete opposite. Getting you stuck in a permanent loop of reevaluation of the things that happened. They might feel like they get lonely, but thats not true loneliness. You can't miss what you never had. And missing is the worst part of it all.

One of my friends fooled around with another one of my friends. Unfortunately, the boy has a girlfriend. He fessed up, which is good of him. And obviously the girlfriend said what any normal girlfriend would. I don't know if they're broken up, but they'll definately be talking and be on eggshells for a while I think. He's a bit of a moron sometimes in all respects. Not with what he does, although some of that, but with how he copes with things of this magnitude. He tries to punish himself for doing stupid things. And it's not like a regular emo kid who cuts themselves, bleeds it out, and then gets on with the rest of their day. Nope, he's gotta do more permanent damage. Goes out and breaks a couple fingers. Smooth, now not only do you have a hospital bill, you have a broken heart, broken relationship, and a broken hand. Anyway, the reason I'm writing about it, is not because I think people should be notified of these things, because they have no business with that, but because it hurt me. Even if he didn't know it, it's not like I told him anything. The girl he ended up fooling around with, is a girl who I've been crushing on. I haven't really acted on it, or told anyone besides maybe 2 people. And I didn't tell him, but he's known me long enough, seen how I treat girls who I like enough, that maybe he should have picked up on that. Or I don't know, maybe I expected him not to fuck up his life more than it already was, yeah, making out and letting hands wander with a girl whose not your girlfriend is wicked smart. Ugh.

I suppose I don't really have too much of a reason to be upset. Maybe it was just because it was so sudden. And the fact that I've been talking to this girl for quite a while, and having some pretty deep conversations with her. Admitting things to her that I don't tell anyone else. Letting myself open up again for once. But whatever right? That isn't important. She told me stuff to, letting me know things that she wasn't sharing with too many other people if anyone. And I felt comfortable talking to her about it, it seemed right. I felt like maybe I had found someone else finally. She would tell me about her current boy trouble and stuff. Liking a guy who I know is a womanizer, and I was giving her advice. You know how it is. Boy A fucks with Girl B and Boy C, who is falling in love with Girl B comforts her and hopes that everything works out for her, even if none of those plans include him. God, I hate it so much. Its like a constant wave of shit from the ocean of bad tidings.

I'm just having some bad luck it seems like, not that my luck has changed at all for the last 3 years. I've been screwed since I broke up with the first girl I actually loved.  The girl who moved away has stopped talking to me. I guess she didn't really like me that much. The girl who I thought liked me and was only a few towns away back home doesn't respond anymore either. The girl who I was opening up to made some moves with one of my better friends and screwed his life up. And thats all just within the last few weeks or so. Its pretty fantastic. And before that? Dating someone for the sake of dating and not for actual feelings. Ended that badly and really hurt her, though shes alright now. And before that? Being led on by a girl who became a really good friend, but who still led me on after a brief fling. And before that? 2 or so years of loneliness, trying to recover from losing the girl who I had devoted everything to, who I'm still not over. And that was, I don't know, 4-5 years ago? My life is pretty fantastic it seems.

And the best thing is? It's pretty much imposible for me to have any sort of relationship anymore. Because the kind of relationship I want, is a longterm one, because those are what I do best, and I like being with a girl who I can tell I love and know that in a few months, we'll still be together. But I can't do that, school doesn't permit that kind of bullshit. A few months home, a few months at school, back and forth. Back and forth. No car means I cant come home to visit anybody I would date here. And work and the demands of life means that whoever was back home wouldn't be able to come up to visit me. And we all know how well keeping a relationship alive over the phone goes.

I feel like I'm just stuck in a loop. Spiralling down into a hole, and then suddenly I'm at the toplevel again, but I can see the hole again and I'm falling, spiralling over and over and over. Never escaping, no new swirls injected into my feedback loop to mix things up for the better. And then when I do open up to let something new in, I get screwed again. Is it so bad to want to be loved like everyone else? Watching the people who have what I want screw it up or renonce it because they're tired of it and want to be single again, or whatever reasons they think up. Is awful.  I'm hoping things will be different after school, when I have a career, a well paying job. Everything like that. Maybe my luck will change. Maybe getting away from these people who hurt me, and tear me apart inside will do me some good.

I'm on vacation, but so far this vacation has brought up more drama in me than the entire semester so far. When I'm home, it seems the drama is in abundance. At school? Theres no drama, no problems besides some tests and maybe wondering about if I should try to date someone for 3 months while I'm in school. Maybe I'm better off getting away from all these people who I consider my friends. Maybe the reason college kids drift away from their old childhood friends is because they realize that all those memories with them are dead weight. Yeah its fantastic to have friends who have that deeper understanding of what you've been through. But, I don't know. Maybe I just want to move on to something better.

I think I made the playlist I made last night well. It's titled: Alone. And is 2.4 hours of songs that reflect the mood I'm in right now.
Hyper Chondriac Music -Muse
Everything reminds me of her -Elliot Smith
Escape - Muse
Asleep - The Smiths
You're not sorry - Taylor Swift
Man in the mirror - Michael Jackson
Oscillate Wildly - The smiths
Dancing with Tears in my Eyes - Ke$ha
Endlessly - Muse
Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons
Under the Bridge -Red Hot Chili Peppars
Con-science - Muse
Street Spirit -Radiohead
I will - Radiohead
Dead Hearts - Stars
Please Don't tell her - Jason Mraz
I know its over - the Smiths
Honestly - AMerican Footbal
Du Erkennst Mich Nicht Wieder -Wir Sing Helden
Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift
Host - Muse
Blindness - Metric
Ohne Dich - Rammstein
Я твоя не первая - Tatu
Last Kiss - Taylor Swift
Last Night I dreamt that somebody loved me - The Smiths
Bist Du Nicht Mude - Wir sind Helden
Thinking about you - Radiohead
Can't Smile without you - Barry Manilow
Goodnight Goodnight - Maroon 5
Muscle Museum - Muse
Wo Bist Du - The Rammstein
The Untitled (In the End) - Linkin Park
To Live is to Die -Metallica

Radar Tracking Turret!

I came up with a new idea to code! It will probably take up a good chunk of my nights during spring break

I simple turret that tracks and fires at objects in its pinging field, in 2d space. Once I get that working, I'll think about working in 3d space.

Here are a couple of my sketches for ideas:

ok, so the first image is how the ping system will work. The second is how the pings data will be used to determine the vector of the object being targeted. and the last is how the turret will estimate where to fire.

So this is how I plan to do it. No code yet!
Have the turret object which will hold its own cordinates in its plane, its angle of firing and a pointer to its projectile loaded.
The projectile object will have a velocity and x,y cordinates. (once I move to 3d space it will have mass and other things)
The target will have an x,y and a velocity and theta for movement.
Then there is the collections object that will store all these things. this will be used by the pings sent out by the turret to let the turret know the location of the target object.

A few of the details still need to be worked out. But I've got enough that I can start a basic console prototype

OCaml Pattern Matching and etc.

I've a midterm tomorrow, in 3 classes. Anyway, calculus isn't hard. German will be alright. But programming languages, not that it will be hard, but just.... Ok so, we're allowed to use our notes we've taken in class as well as the daily summaries that he has given us in the past. Unfortunately, I've been taking all my notes in LaTeX on my computer. Which means I need to print them. Which means I need a printer, which means I needed to get my roommate to print it out. Which means I went and did something fun and asked him to do it. I came back a while later, and bam. Thirty Five Pages. THIRTY FIVE BLOODY PAGES of notes. Granted that's for the entire first half of this semester. But... It's computer paper! Formatted! To what looks like 10 size font. That's a lot of characters. Plenty of bits.

Anyway, besides that, I've just completed programming a reverse polish notation calculator in OCaml. The powers of pattern matching are spectacular. For anyone who has never programmed in Objective OCaml, I'd recommend attempting to. The type system is very nice, even if trying to figure out your error messages is a pain in the ass. I normally love my C++ but I do enjoy OCaml's elegance factor.

This semester seems like it's been quite a jump in what I've learned as far as CS goes. Before this semester I had no idea how to use php, javascript, server side includes, ocaml, unix file commands, batch file commands, and some directX code. Its a trend I would like to keep, this upward mobility of my learning. I like.

Midterms

Welcome to midterm hell.

Okay, it's not that bad, but its pretty bad. Last week I had my Data Structures and Algorithm's midterm, of which I managed to botch spectaculary. Why would I spend so much time studying tree rules on rotation when he said he was going to give us those? Who know. I suppose I was just dumb, anyway, I totally spaced out on how to convert a ternary tree to a binary tree (inorder traversal adding it along the way btw) and probably screwed up somewhere in the big O notation section. It's unfortunate. But thats the only midterm I've taken. Why? with spring break so close?

Because all my damn tests in every other class are on Thursday. That's right! Calculus at 8:30, German 2 periods after that, and then Programming Languages a few periods after that. And then to top it off, I get to go to my diversity requirement class (also known as YOU-ARE-A-RACIST-DICK-CONFESS-IT) where the teacher will proceed to try to make you feel like shit. 3 tests and an amoral beatdown? Certainly what I want for my thursday...

And they wonder why college kids start drinking on thursday nights

Britney Spears.

I watched the new Britney Spears video today, the one for her song Hold it against me.  I enjoyed that she's crossing over into new territory (dubstep) and I think she did it pretty well. The song is definitely enjoyable to listen to, and to dance to. Also, the part in the video where she fights herself reminded me of Mortal Kombat. I was pleased.  I do miss the Britney Spears I watched as a kid growing up though. I still remember sitting with my family watching her Live at Hawaii concert on television. She was brilliant. And her style and voice were two of my favorite things about her. She is/was beautiful, but it was always the voice of a performer I try to listen to, not how hot they are.

Yup. So, here at college things are pretty busy. Mid terms, spring breaks, and tons of crap due. It's hard to find time to do the reading I want to do. I've progressed maybe a single chapter in I am A Strange Loop since I last wrote. But at least I figured out what I'm doing for a roommate next year and where I'll be living. This is a good thing. Yes, yes it is.

Also, I'm wondering if one of my friends might be harboring feelings for me. She's taking a bit more of an interest in me lately, walking with me after classes and helping me study and such. She is a nice person, so it could just be charity, or that she's finally decided that we're officially friends, I dunno. Either way I'll see how it goes, but if she does actually have an interest in me. What do I do? She's my friend. I like her as that, could I like her as more? Should I like her as more? She does meet a few of my general standards. Shallow bastard that I am, I like my girls skinny. She is. I've been wanting to date a girl of her particular hair color for a while, and she has it. I don't want to date dumb girls, she's definately not dumb. But, she does talk a lot. And is quite loud and brash, not too mention possibly too sweet for me.

Seems weird right? One minute I'm complaining about how I want someone, the next I'm saying that someone is too sweet for me, and doesnt meet my standards. I don't find it too weird in all honesty. I'm not a desperate person, I get along fine being alone despite bouts of loneliness. But overall I live a pretty good life. I have a pillow to cuddle at night, so why should I need more?

...wow that last bit sounds more pathetic than it did in my head

Funny how all that works out

Ah, Well. Here we go again. The blind leading the blind!

Seriously though, I've given relationship advice for last 4 or 5 nights in a row. To a variety of people, not just the same person over and over again. Isn't that a little strange? Seriously. Why can I give everyone else good advice, but can't seem to find any that helps me out?

Maybe its just the whole objective view point of thing.  Like, not being in the situation allows me to have a higher order view of it all. So I can pick out the variables and analyze them all. Given a set of conditions and variables, and some type of general outline of what to do. I can generally figure out what needs to be done. And what someone is missing. So I suppose that's why I give good advice. Now if only I could pick apart my own head. Figure out why I love the people I can never have, play the people I'll never want, and hate the people whom I should never have hated. It makes no sense. I wish I could just figure it all out, or find someone with the answers. But when it comes down to it, I know I'm the only one who can actually solve my own problems. So why do I have to so chickenshit about it?

In unrelated news, I've found a new band I like. Wir Sind Helden. They're a upbeat german alternative rock group, and after hearing my roommate play Wenn ich Passiert. (When it happens) I went and downloaded two albums by them. Yay internet and music!

Jealousy and Loopiness as well as a screw up dream.

What to start with first? I suppose the code and more interesting things. A'la not my rantings about my dreams and feelings, because let's face it. If anyone is reading this, it's because they found the previous projects I was working on interesting. Anyway.

I am a Strange Loop is a fantastic book so far, I'm somewhere near chapter 13 I believe. I don't really pay attention to what chapter I'm on, I just read. But it's finally getting down from the requirements of understanding to the nitty gritty of the main idea of the book. Of how ourselves and our brains compose a strange loop. It's really interesting and I recommend it to anyone.

I recently got my grade on a paper I wrote for a required class that teaches diversity. I got an 85. Which is ok. But the professor completely misunderstands me. First off, the professor is to focused on proper MLA formatting and writing conventions from middle school to understand what I'm trying to do in my paper. Also, she reads the paper as if it were addressed to her, and not a piece reflecting on the articles and materials we've viewed so far.
She dislikes, and removes points from my paper, for not having a paragraph that implicitly states what my paper is about. Introductory paragraphs are for people who can't write and feel the need to dumb down their writing for their audience. I learned in high school, and middle school, and elementary school, and college level writing classes. That the first paragraph needs to be strong, assertive and captivating. The point of a introductory paragraph is to hook the reader into your paper. To make them want to read your paper. And she misses the point completely. Also, when I read through the comments on my paper and see that she has said: "LOL" in response to a view things, I can't take her, her class, or her grading scheme seriously. It reeks of bullshit.  Also, am I the only one who see's the word "ilk" as a negatively connotative word?

Ugh, enough of that. For the last two nights I've had dreams that involved being chased. The first one was about being chased by the cops and helping my friends run away as well. Literally taking their hand and hauling them over a fence with me so they can escape. And last night I had a really screwed up dream. It almost seems like a good plot for a movie.

It started out with going to this girls apartment and finding her sister tied naked to the floor. Legs and arms spread out like that diagram that you see in all the meta-physiology books. Anyway, so ignoring that, the girl and I go in the next room and start going at it until we hear the sister scream. And then we have to run in and she's being eaten by mice. Hundreds of them. So we run over and kick them away, and then for whatever reason, we begin to pleasure the sister. Not with penetrative sex, but with teasing, biting, and caressing. We do this, and then the girl cuts a paragraph into her sister's arm. Saying that her turn as the devil is done, and that it's my turn. They want to tie me up and leave me their until I go insane enough that I write some paragraph into my arm. So I run. And run. And I'm being chased by these girls who show up everywhere. And in my dream, years pass of being chased it feels like. Never a moment given up. My dream ended with me still running. But the dream continued in my subconscious as I was regaining consciousness. And I knew the end of what would happen. I didn't need to be caught and tied up, each person's insanity is different. And in the moment you cut that paragraph into yourself you die. The two sisters were already dead, their dark eulogies written. And being chased by them was my path to insanity. My way into the dark.

So yeah, I feel like that could make a good movie. And now, the last bit of this blog before I go do some damn homework. Jealousy. I looked at my friends post onto facebook, her status was that she was so happy that she's finally with someone who is also giving 100% to the relationship she's in. Because now they're both giving their all. Bla bla bla. I'm happy that she's happy. Or at least I tell myself that.
But I'm jealous. So jealous of her happiness. Why does it seem that everyone else is always happy? I'm left alone with no one to hold, friends to hold me? Sure, but friends aren't everything, once you've had a true relationship then you feel incomplete without someone else. Humans by nature require this. And sadly, I am human. Were I able to transcend this mortal coil! If I could copy my self into the electronic I would in a heartbeat. Model my brain in a computer. Give the computer limbs to move. Find out what happens. The sheer knowledge, so fast, so glorious! Anyway, back to the point. I'm jealous of her, and of everyone else who has someone. And I'm sick of it.

Binary Heap! splaying of emotions

So I've come to realize, after my data structures class today. That the method of modelling a Binary Tree with an  Array that I was doing was in all actuality, a binary heap. Granted I came up with the methods of index access and such a week into my class when I didn't even know what a binary heap was, but still, I was on the right road. It's awesome. I'm decently happy with myself that I actually fundamentally understood and created a structure that was conceived of by brilliant minds who've come before me. And in fact, maybe even be alive today. It fills me with excitement for the future possibilities of my life.

Also, after discussing splay trees and studying their runtime and structure. I've determined that if someone would try to model the human emotion. They would use a splay tree. Because emotions that are accessed often, are often accessed again. For example, if someone is angry. Even if you cheer them up and calm them down, we all know it doesn't take much more to set them off again. And a person in a happy mood will be hard to get out of easily.

Another idea I had today was to write a python program that would export a picture of a binary tree. Using the height of the tree as it's measure, it would create a picture that would scale the tree so that it would fit neatly onto the picture. I've already a few ideas on how to do this. The cool thing I think, would be to have it read from a text file, specified to be in a specific traversal order, and then export the picture. Or perhaps even read from the text file and organize the data itself?

All these ideas, and so little time to actually implement them.

Oh! Also, my sister visited me and brought me a very nice 88 key keyboard. Using this I've begun learning Mandy by Barry Manilow. I'm 16 or so measure in now, 10-12 or which I can play quite comfortably. I do love making music!

The other day I started messing around with my webcam. Specifically on Video Feedback. Aka, pointing the webcam at it's output on the computer screen. Creating an infinite loop of awesome. I created a couple videos as well. There were some really cool effects.

Holy Fuck

I just read the first paragraph of my new book: I am a Strange Loop by Douglas Hofstadter, and in that glorious moment, I felt kinship and like I was reading something written by myself. That is all.

The Alienist, falling again... Hedgehogs!

Well, I've just finished reading a book my friend Kaytie gave to me. The Alienist is an exceptionally well written book about a serial killer and how he was stopped sometime in the late 1800's or early 1900's. Not really sure, but it does have President Roosevelt as one of the characters which is pretty interesting. Anyway, it's a brilliant piece of work and if you get a chance you should read it. It's a bit slow to start but overall fantastic!


Anyway, so I've been a bit... I suppose for lack of better word, depressed, recently. I don't know what it is, but I'm just in a very blah-ish mood all the time. And I've been trying to figure out why. Of course, immediately answers pop up but I think they're close, but not quite the real reason. Some of the reasons are of course, lack of girlfriend, lack of attention emotionally or physically. Lack of an outlet or way of regulating my moods. Etc. Such as lack of, a certain activity which I did quite regularly last semester as a stress relieve and now I am without due to... certain time arrangements. Vague enough for you all? I thought so. Anyway though, so without that nice bit of endocrines in me I am left to trying to find other ways of amusement. Unfortunately, no female company is forthcoming so I've actually been talking to a lot of my friends online, however text can only do so much when what you actually want is physical contact.

Anyway, I think the real reason I'm having these moodish periods punctuated by happiness is that. Unfortunately for me, I'm falling in love again. Or at least building the foundations of one in my head. Which is seriously unfortunate for me, because this girl I'm falling for. Won't be around for too much longer. Not too mention there are other complications.  Unfortunately, I've shared a link to my dream post with her, and she did enjoy my writing, so that might mean she'll see some of these posts, which means that the whole point of this blog is semi destroyed. Because in reality this blog represents a few things.

It allows me to postulate and archive my evolution as a programmer and coder, and see myself reaching new levels of interest and education. It also satisfies my need for talking to people when there are none around. As there are now. My roommate is out with some of our mutual friends, however I stayed in and finished my book, and am now doing this, SPEAK OF THE DEVIL, my roommate just walked in. Anyway, where was I. Right, this blog satisfies a need to reach out and to tell someone what I feel, what I'm doing, and what I ... am, I guess. It's like in the Alienist how Kreizler was talking about how serial killers want to tell people about their killings and stuff and whatnot. Only I'm not... a serial killer, but I do like to toot my horn a bit about coding projects I do and other things. Similar I'm sure, all those poor bytes dying to satisfy my programming needs! changing gender from 0 to 1 and back again so many times. Good lord, the electricity of it all!

Perverse analogies aside. Yeah, all I really want is to have someone to talk to. And it always seems like no one is interested in me, or putting me as a priority contact, or someone they want to talk to alot. It's always me who initiates the conversation, and I just wish that sometime, it could be the other way around. ugh.

Seriously, I don't want to fall in love again. Hedgehog's dilemna

Dream

They were sitting together him and her, talking. I know not what they spoke of, but he could make her smile and they were close. Then, a bit hesitantly, he leaned over and kissed her. He smiled, she looked at him and spoke. She said something back and kissed him. Halfway torn between a smile and a kiss, it wasn't full. But the next one certainly was. As they gave into their passion, she moved from next to him to sitting sideways on him; her arms draped around his neck. As she pulled away from a kiss, she let her tongue gently lick his lip. He understood, as he ran his hands up her back and into her hair, he kissed her with the passion he had concealed for years. His and her tongue met and their embrace grew tighter, and she let out a soft moan.

She pulled at his shirt as she arced her back, pulling at it as he pulled her hair back to begin kissing her neck. Soft murmurs of happiness drifted from her parted lips. She pulled his shirt up and over his head, having her turn at his neck. He moaned quietly as she kissed his sensitive spots and twisted so he could lay on her. She smiled as she brought him down with her, still intent on keeping his noises going. They excited her and she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her. She ran her hand down the hairs on his chest, following them down to his pants. But before she got there his hand was over hers, bringing it up over her head to where her other was already entwined with his. Her hands in one hand, his other caressed her side. Moving over the soft curve of her breast on its way to remove her blouse.

He lifted her shirt slowly, with both hands, kissing as he lifted. A kiss on the stomach, lift a little more, a kiss a little higher. It was driving her wild, her hands no longer restrained she grabbed at his hair, seeking to pull his face to hers so she could quell her longings for his lips. But he resisted, pulling her shirt up to her face he kissed in between her breasts and ran his tongue up to her neck. Giving a gentle nibble and kiss to each side of the neck before pulling the shirt completely off her.

With no shirt in the way she pulled him against her, kissing him once again while the heat of their bodies melded. She turned and rolled her way on top of him, smiling at him as he lay there. Hands running down his chest again, she began kissing his stomach. Doing to him what he had done to her, but when she ended near his neck she nestled against him and unclasped her bra. He didn't look down at them but instead steadily gazed into her eyes as his hands began to knead and massage her breasts. She let out a small gasp as he tweaked her nipples lightly. He asked her if it had felt good with his eyes. Her response was a kiss. She pulled away from him, getting up and taking off her pants before seductively moving past him.

He gazed at her, her beautiful figure, from her long brunette hair to her black panties, and he reached out, gently cradling her bottom with his hands as he rose to get behind her. Arcing over her, he pulled her head sideways to kiss her. She arced her back and and rubbed her rear against his pants, feeling his longing for her.  He kissed again and she turned and pulled his pants downward. He kissed her again and felt her hands across his chest as he pulled off his pants completely. Her hands moved from his front, to his back scraping her nails down his back. He gasped in pleasure, and got on top of her, rubbing his hips against her and teasing her.

She loved the pressure of his body against hers and how their hands explored each other. She might have had thoughts about how his lovemaking would be before, but nothing compared to how perfectly in sync they were. He tested, and listened to her sounds, finding things she loved that she didn't she loved. Their bodies moved with and against each other in rhythm. Bringing them ever closer to a pinnacle of ecstasy, he'd get her closer and closer and right as she thought she might scream, he'd bring her down again. Then edge her closer and closer again. Barely thinking she grabbed him and rolled so she could be on top, be in control of this insane ride. She rode him like he had her, watching his face and motions, feeling him move inside and ever edging him closer, but always backing down. Carrying on like this until they were both in such a state that they could no longer control themselves. Sitting up and pulling her with him, he lifted her up and then down again as they both moaned and screamed together, culminating in one euphoric moment where they looked into each others eyes and for a moment, shared a single soul. Everything they were, everything they are, and everything they would be was in that moment. And then after, they collapsed in a state of bliss, still folded together, perfectly relaxed and lovingly juxtaposed. They kissed again, gently letting the most simple and caring 3 words fall out of their mouths at the same time. They smiled as they realized that, and moved closer together and fell asleep.


This was the dream I had last night, with who I won't say. But wow. If reality could play out like that. Just wow.

Binary Trees and Time

So, I've learned from my class, and from my own musings that to maintain a self balancing tree, you need to do rotations. When I was brainstorming on my whiteboard I knew what I'd want to be doing, but after learning about zig-zig, zig-zag and the variations of (there are only 4 in an AVL tree)  I feel like I would have arrived at such a conclusion after another week or so of pondering.

It would have taken only a matter of days or maybe hours had I been able to actually have some time to really think about this stuff. But my schedule this semester sucks, I've got way too much/little time in between classes. And while I do my homework between classes, I almost always have to immediately go to another class before I can start anything new, or explore my brain a little bit. Once my classes are over, I have about an hour or so before I need to go to bed so I can wake up for an 8:30 class. You'd think weekends would be better? But I need money, so I work. Which is really nice, you know money and all. Except for the fact that the check from the company is overdue by a week at the moment. And I'd love to know why, because if I'm not getting paid, then my time is wasted and there are many things I need to do with my time.

Ugh, I hate not having time and feeling pressed for time like this at the time. Especially after a semester of a very very nice semester.

I've started working on the Latimer-Zerachiel System again, and I've gotten the chat boxes talking to each other, but for some reason they're not executing the commands. The problems more than that, but my time is pressed so I gotta stop writing. Ugh.

Binary Trees Revisited

In a previous post, I said that my array-ed BT would only work on a balanced tree. I realize now this is false. It works on any type of tree, there just needs to be checking to make sure a 'node' exists there first.

Also, I've been thinking about how to make a binary tree balance itself. I know that there are probably plenty of data structures and other things already in existence,  but why ruin the fun when I can just think about it first?

So this is how I think it would work:
In the case of a completely skewed tree, you grab the 'middle' node, then from there, you assign that as the root. from the nodes that were higher than that node, you grab the middle of that, and from the lower nodes, the middle of that, those are it's right and left nodes respectively.

In other words, recursively grab the middle of the tree. If you had this:
5
6       this is the left of the middle node
7
8        this is the middle node.
9
10       this is the right of the middle node
11

can you picture it? It's not too hard to code either. The matter is, that that example was a completely skewed tree. But what about if you have a more normal tree? like:
     5
  2     8
1  3      9
               10

I really hope that formats correctly... Anyway, OBVIOUSLY you grab the 9 and throw it where the 8 is and you get a perfectly balanced tree. But what exactly is the thought process?

As a matter of fact, it's the same thing we were doing before, just part of our tree is already balanced, and if you take a look, our tree contains a high value of 10, half of that is 5, our root! In other thoughts, that means that if our tree already has the proper root we shouldn't bother changing it, but continue onward and examine the branches of that root. You'll notice that once again, the left sub tree of our root is balanced already, so no need to check it, but the right side is skewed. In fact, if you ignore the root and left sub tree, you'd just have the skewed tree of 8,9,10. and if you ran our algorithm on that? Well, there are 3 nodes in our tree, and it so happens, that the middle one of those is 9 and to balance our tree? We need that 9 to be the root. Tada.

Now you may have noticed a bit of... entropy creeping into my arguments for example, when we look at our middle, I've used both the value of the node, and the node themselves. So which should our algorithm take on? Obviously, the value side of this. So in that case, how do we select 9? Well, we can look at tree depth? But once again that's more of our nodes really. 10 + 8 divided by 2 gets us it, but is this just a happy coincidence?

If we look at our left tree we see it's already balanced, but what if it were like our right side? it'd go 3 2 1. The last node, and the first node added together and then divided by two? get's us 2. Which happens to be the value we need to balance! Seems nice right?

What if you don't have the right value? How do you find the closest? If two values are the same distance away, then how do you choose? I'm going to think about these more and get back to you. Maybe even with some code to show!