Only one more month of summer

Well, there's only one more month of summer left. Then I'm back to school. Away from my job that i occasionally despise.  Away from the friends who I can talk to and say anything to and they'll share their thoughts and feelings on it. Away from my parent. Away from fast food and restaurants that drain my wallet when I go near them. And worst of all, away from my girlfriend.

With only one more month of summer, maybe I should hurry up and try to do some things that I was supposed to finish up. I should: finish reading the networking book I've borrowed from my good friend Sean, so that I'm prepared for the class without being beaten down too hard.  I should hang out with all the friends who I've been meaning to see, but never seem to have time to. I should try to do nothing for a day -- seriously hard for me to . I should try to finish up a bucket list I have with my girlfriend of things we wanted to do together this summer.

Going back won't be all bad though. I look forward to learning and seeing my other friends. I'm a nerd, so all  the interesting academic activities that occur around me at school excite me. I'm going to have a single this year. So for the first time ever I'm going to actually have my own place, with no one else to worry about and only myself to take care of. Technically I'll have a suite mate, but my own room and a small shared space for the entrance to our room will be fine. So I guess it will be more like living in my own place with a roommate. Anyway.

I tend to write when I've been thinking for too long about things that bother me. Or I write while the things are bothering me. The problem is that when something bothers me, and there is literally nothing I can do about it, that just frustrates me more. I guess its feeling like I'm powerless that bothers me the most. I don't really care about being in control of situations, I'm not that kinda guy who is bothered by other people asserting themselves (unless they're obviously not qualified and then I prefer to shut them down or let them know in some way that someone else should leave). Being in control of a situation is a nice feeling I suppose, I like being responsible and actually fulfilling my duties as the responsible person.  To me, feeling like an adult is a privilege I get sometimes, and when I'm not doing 'adult' things, I behave as my normal fun loving self.

I don't think as you get older you need to become bitter and angry or stop being able to be silly. I think that over time, you run into a lot of situations and that can make you more bitter or a little more seasoned. All my friends told me that I had become bitter after my first year of college, a little bit more secure with who I was and what my morals were, and because of that my judgement on other people had become well defined. In high school I was so nice. Everyone was my friend unless they proved otherwise, I was a social butterfly and happy to flit from place to place. After the first year at college I came back and after being exposed to a higher level of education and (in my opinion) living. I looked at some of my friends and realized they were wasting there time, doing things that I thought weren't worthwhile, or just straight up stupid. The choices that I saw some people make upset me because I like to think about the future, and their choices (in my opinion) were going to drive them right into the ground. It made me upset that so many of my friends might become what people consider white trash. I myself, when talking about a specific friend who I think did something very very stupid, said that they were going to become white trash.

I'm not proud of it. Insulting your friends in that way isn't something that I'd ever thought I'd do. I bet if I went back a year, I'd hardly be able to hold a conversation with myself, I've changed a lot in the last year. If I went back 2 years, I'd probably end up lecturing myself. 3 years and I would have slapped myself for doing some things. 4 years, I'd have tried to educate and warn myself. 5 years and I would have probably just hugged myself and told the younger me that life wasn't really that bad and that eventually the pain that he felt would heal -- albeit it took a long time, and some things still sting, but it would heal and he would move on. That angry angry kid 6 years ago who was always happy on the outside, I would try to help him.

The current me, and the me from high school are so drastically different that I don't know if we'd recognize each other. Physically we're different, mentally we're so different in our level of maturity that we probably wouldn't get along. This makes me stop and wonder: how? How did I become this way? Of course I instantly know the answer and memories leap to the forefront of my thoughts. The past shapes who we are, and it effects what we do now and how we feel when skeletons come out of our closets. But the present us is the one who decides how to deal with those ghosts. The present us has a choice of acknowledging something that has happened, seeing it as a growing experience and embracing it, or in focusing on only the bad and becoming fixated. Its weird to think about that the present us, the you of the now is probably going to be the one you look back on in a few years and think: "what the hell was that kid thinking". But, everything happens, and we deal with it how we will. Even thought I feel somewhat mature sometimes, and my friends tell me that my thoughts and actions are one of someone who has matured, I think that I still have some ways to go.

The Empty Room

My brothers roommate moved out today. Or maybe it was yesterday? He doesn't know, because he's been out partying. He partied so hard, that he had my parents get him and he slept here at the house and my mother didn't even bother him to go to church in the morning because she felt he was too tired.

It was really bizarre walking into my brothers apartment. The couch was gone, the tv, the second bedroom was empty, the table was missing. Everything that was his roommates was mostly gone. It was kinda sad. They've been friends since middle or high school, I don't know. But its weird to see them separated because of a silly fight. I mean, my brother did do something kinda scummy, but its not that surprising all things considering. I don't think its really a reason to move out. I don't know, so bizarre.

Really though, the image of the empty room is kinda stuck in my head. It makes me feel like my brothers bad habits might get worse, especially since he's going to be leaving for a work thing for a few months, that basically means he'll be out with his work friends everyday, drinking and going to strip clubs and everything. It frustrates me sometimes.

My brother is a strong person. He used to be a romantic, for people who know my brother, I bet they wouldn't even guess. Writing the girl's name who he was pining after on everything, it was almost sickeningly sweet. He'd keep a journal and write about them, in the way that only romantic people can. And then, I guess he was just disappointed too many times, heartbroken a few too many times too deep. He became colder and more detached. Where he used to give his trust to anyone and respect people, he switched to the opposite side of the coin and would only give such a thing if they had earned it... and earning it was a difficult feat in itself. Maybe part of the problem is that the women he's attracted to at first are the pretty ones that don't have much... depth to them. And later on in the relationship he gets bored and wants something more than just a pretty face.

I just hope that losing a close friend won't hurt him too much in the end and that maybe they'll make up.

Walking and writing

Sometimes you need to write.

For some people, its hard to express yourself with words, especially face to face. You have a storm of emotions churning inside of you and trying to escape but somehow nothing will come out. You're burning inside but somehow so numb. That moment when you know you've upset someone you care about. I don't even know to describe it. Its like a getting hit in the face by a wall. You can almost hear the inaudible tick of the gears in their brain spinning and suddenly grinding to a halt. And all of a sudden, all the trust you've gained is thrown out the window.

Why? Why do things from the past fuck up things in the present? Every time. If it's not the emotions leftover from someone before, its something you forgot to delete or just something. There's no excuse for it. Why can't I be the boyfriend I want to be? Why can't I ever be good enough?

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Just got home from a walk with a friend. He helped calm me down a little, he's a very logical person and has a good way of filling the air with banter. Which is really what you need when you want to mill something over --outside oppinions. He helped me see that maybe I was overthinking everything, its not something I should be getting upset over. Telling me that a reasonable person would understand the situation and maybe need a little space to get over the initial shock, but then would be fine with it. It was nice. I don't know how much I agree with his viewpoints, but going for a good hour and a half walk with him really did help. Not to mention the orange juice.

When I'm upset I walk. When I'm bored I walk. When I'm mad I walk. When I'm sad I walk. No matter what I'm doing, walking is always something that I love to do and it helps me. I feel like its similar to running for my high school friend Jackie. Who would run and that would help her feel good and think things out. Maybe its because running helps give the brain that little distraction so that it doesn't over think things or get stuck in a rut. Walking helps me do the same I think.

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What a nice day

Today was so nice! For the most part.

I was really productive, calling a customer service line for a loan and getting some help. Working on my internship work for a company. Fixing and brainstorming about a website with a friend. A nice afternoon with friends and significant other. And then a nice night of programming and talking to someone I had never talked  to before. I've been friends with her on facebook because we knew a lot of the same people and I had met her once, but turns out shes going to the same school as me this upcoming semester, so that was exciting, I gave her advice and she seemed pretty happy with that. Its nice to help people.

Also, http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Were-Addicted-To-Facebook---The-Love-Hormone&id=6817295  is a good little tidbit of knowledge. The brief article discusses (with science!) why half the world are all so damn addicted to checking our facebook every five seconds. Its nice. Oddly enough, I think I like to wait. I normally check my facebook, 3 or so times a day, and so most of the time I have a good number of notifications. I wonder if seeing 18 notifications or so everytime you're on releases more oxytocin than a single notification. That would be an interesting study wouldn't ya think?

I was so happy to program today. I made a simple program to help myself do some really trivial work a little faster. I love applying what I learn, it gets me that happy satisfied feeling inside.

too soon?

I don't understand myself anymore.

I guess I've been in retrospective mode for a bit now. I wanted to say those words today, and I tried to. I've wanted to say them for months now, but I would get tongue tied and couldn't talk, it was like a clamp on my stomach and throat, stopping me from talking at all until I had decided not to spew my guts out. I think this is the first time. I've wanted to say it for so long, I guess I'm afraid to, fear of rejection always pops up in my brain, severely this time it seems. I guess the little bit of encouragement from friends recently, and the suggestion of a coworker sorta helped push me along a bit more. I guess it was enough to get me one word in before being stopped.

I probably picked an awful time for it. I can't help but wonder if I came off as scum because of the timing of it with the conversation topic at the time. I can't pick a time to say it though, it just doesn't work like that. You say it when you feel you should. I guess I'm just fucked up.

Speaking of fucked up, how about that past. I went and talked to my friend today about stuff, and was trying to make sense of how I got to where I am emotionally. I guess everything always starts with your first. Its the catalyst that sets off your emotional development. As life goes, your first will never be your last. My first girlfriend destroyed me. When she broke up with me, I felt like my life was completely over. Everything that had held me up, every ounce of confidence, the faith I had for love and all the naive thoughts of a teenager. Dust in the wind. I was a hollow man for at least a month. My friends helped me through I guess, but when I wasn't with them, I was thinking about her. How had something like that happened, how had I let it happen, why did it happen? What did I do wrong. Why was I so stupid? Every thought crushed me down, I needed someone, or something to lift me up.

I guess, two years later, my next girlfriend did for a while. She was so sweet. Giving me all she could, only wanting for my happiness, and what did I do. The cycle. For anyone who doesn't know, the cycle is how a girl breaks a boys heart, and he goes out and breaks a girls heart, who then breaks a boys heart, ad infinitum. At first we were wonderful together, but all the sweetness, it was too much for me. When I had been so used to everything but after being alone for so long. I wasn't ready to jump back into dating I suppose. Unfortunately I did. And I broke up with her so cruelly. I'd like to say I live my life without regrets but that's a lie. I regret being so cruel, sometimes late at night, I still wonder why I did it.

After that, it wasn't long before i was looking for something else. I had had a bitch (not kind, but to be honest thats what she was), I had had the sweetheart, neither had been what I wanted. A very brief makeout session with a friend had lulled me into a bit of a hopeful mood. I felt ready again, and wanted more to happen. But it didn't. And we became really good friends -- after I had delt with her telling me that she had been holding out for another boy. A boy who later broke her heart. Meanwhile, I picked up his pieces and talked to her when she was down and needed advice, trying to be a good friend. When she had told me that she had been waiting for the boy, I had been a little angry, I didn't want to be someones second choice, only their first and how dare she lead me on like that. But I came to my senses and realized I was being foolish, and that a friendship with her was all that I had really wanted from her.

After two bad break ups and a fling I wasn't the worlds best dater I suppose. And didn't try to 'pick up' women or flirt or date at all. I focused on other things. That is, until my friend mentioned that one of her friends was looking for a fuck buddy. Why not? I didn't have time for a relationship, and didn't really feel like I was emotionally secure to do so either, but just a physical relationship? That didn't sound like it would hurt me in the long run. No emotional attachment guaranteed me that I wouldn't be hurt like I had been before. And I guess that turned out to be true. Unfortunately, after being with her in that way for a bit, it escalated and pretty soon it felt as if we were dating. We'd plan things to do together besides just sex. If you're just in it for sex, then you would never do anything but that. No commitment required was the prerequisite. I failed.

Its in my nature to become committed I've realized. Ever since I held a crush from 2nd grade to 7th grade and then 8th grade to 10th. Flaky relationships aren't my thing. Short bright burning relationships, no thank you. I wanted the long haul. So how did I justify my fuck buddy relationship? I suppose I couldn't and maybe that's why it turned out the way it did. One week plans on actually dating, then the next week with everything in smoke. It was for the best. She was smarter than I was in that regard, and knew what would happen if we dated. I'd be hers completely, but if she ever needed something, and I wasn't around ot satisfy that need, she'd get it somewhere else. She was a good friend. And because of those reasons broke it off for friendship only. I'm happy we did.

During that summer when the balls were in the air about dating. I had my one and only one night stand. What can I say about it? It was foolish. Unexpected? Accidental? I didn't mean to do it? Doesn't change what happened. Its when that cliched line of "one thing led to the other and..." comes into reality and you realize how appropriate that line is sometimes. Sometimes you really don't realize whats going to happen and you can't help yourself. Your head tells you one thing, and you finally get the nerve to tell your logic to go screw itself, its got you nothing yet. I suppose that's what I did. Maybe I did it because I found out my fuck buddy from school had had sex already that summer with someone else, and I wanted to seem as uncommitted as they were. I don't know, there could be hundreds of reasons I suppose, but I can't bullshit myself. When I look back on this blog and wonder what the hell I was thinking when I was writing it, I don't want to read a lie, I want my truth. And the truth is, I just wanted to be different for one night I suppose. To not be myself. I was a boy who believed in that naive kind of love, who wanted it so bad that he rejected the short flings in middle/high school for an unrequited love. Staying true to those guns, I tried to be committed in all things I did, and in who I was with. I've never had a short relationship, always on the order of months or year in one case. I got hurt doing things that way, and I guess for one night I wanted to be the other guy, the one who didn't care, who wasn't a sensitive and emotional boy.  fuck it, I don't even know. I just didn't want to be me any more at that point. I wouldn't be surprised if other people get tired of being themselves sometimes.

After all that ended, the school year swung in full force. And with nothing but anger and lonelyness at being hurt and rejected and feeling like I wasn't good enough to be anyones anything, I worked. I dedicated myself to my studies, I was so pleased. Learning became a thirst I couldn't not satisfy. That year was different, the studies took on a new life, and my field opened before my eyes and I felt matured. After a semester of intense graduate level courses mixed with some of the hardest classes I've ever taken. I was so confident and fulfilled.

Every bit of the confidence I had lost from my first had come back to me it seemed. My work ethic was secure. My esteem and direction of self worth was directly influenced by the work I did and how much I learned. To think was to be at that point. Everything I did was right. I relied on myself completely, I could teach others, I could show, but always, I knew what to do and was ready for anything. Or at least thats how I felt. I guess I didn't realize the piece I was still missing.

I was secure scholastically. I had the respect of my peers. I had the admiration and thanks of those who I had helped. My professors saw me as a matured and prosperous student with a good head on his shoulders.  So what was I missing? Obviously. Someone to share it with. At night I would still wonder about those girls from before, wondering: why. Why did X happen, what could I have done better, what can I change about myself to become a better person, more ready to be with someone.

I was surprised when a coworker expressed interest in me. I guess I was too selfish and inwardly focused to realize what was going on. I was so clueless I suggested Dinner and a Movie and still somehow was convinced that there was going to be more than just me and her. I don't know what my brain was doing, I have a terrible memory for so many things. After the first time hanging out with her though, the surprise was gone, the inward focus was redirected. I wanted to hang out with her again. And so, we did. I made a move. I'm so happy I did.

Since one night just looking at her, I felt that feeling inside. One I hadn't felt since my first. That feeling of complete and total contentment. The feeling where the world could literally be on fire, and I wouldn't give a damn because as long as I have you, nothing else matters. I wanted to say it so bad. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. So I just held you closer. Nothing else mattered in the world at that instant. A little later, it happened again. Once again, the feeling bubbled up from my gut and tried to burst. Again I couldn't do it. There was something blocking it. I didn't tell anyone. Not for at least a month and a half. I talked about it to my close friends, they weren't surprised, I couldn't figure out why I got tongue tied if I tried to say it. What was holding me back? A friend posed the right question. Are you afraid she won't say it back? I realized that maybe that was it. And furthermore, things were good now, so why rock the boat with such a heavy phrase and emotion?

So I let it sit in my mind. And its grown heavier and heavier. Each day became another day of holding my tongue in check out of fear, and each day I'd sit and think to myself. Why. What have I got to lose. My fear of rejection was rearing its head horribly. Stopping me. I needed encouragement, or just someone to tell me that it'd work out alright. I talked to my friends girlfriend a little, she asked how long we'd been together, and stated that even if she didn't say it back, that she would, that I was an awesome guy and asking how couldn't you feel the same? I guess that was nice, but it still didn't push me over. I suppose today, encouragement from a coworker popped me far enough to get the 1st word and the idea across to her.

I don't know how she took it. I don't know if I sounded real to her. Does she think I just said it because what we were talking about before hand? If so, how do I make her understand the last 2 months I've been like this? Why that time to try it? Was I stupid? Should I have done something else instead, held my tongue? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Will she read this all the way to the end? I don't know. Will anything I'm trying to say make sense? Who knows. Will my sentiment be obvious enough. Is it even ok to post this entry? Shes one of two followers to my blog. This isn't anything I wouldn't tell her. But somehow those 3 words are just so much easier  typing than saying them.

Sensitivity

Its weird how some people can be so normal sometimes, and then something small just pushes them over the edge of intelligent and switches them to stupid.

A bunch of friends had a Barbecue today, we were all having a good time, but then a few cheddar-wursts fell on the ground, so my friend (lets call him A) said that someone shoudl wash them off and then wandered into the house without taking the dogs with him. So we all decided that his girlfriend should go ahead and take the weenies and slap him in the face with one to be a little silly. My other friend (B) went to go film it on his phone for whatever reason, posterity I suppose, whatever. Anyway, A did not take it well at all. Stormed out, pushed his girlfriend out of the way and semi broke the door when he slammed it on his way to go walk off. I say semi broken because my other friend just popped the plastic back into place and it was fine.

Anyway, so after a little while I went ahead and txted A trying to figure out why he was so pissed. A weenie to the face shouldn't piss someone off that much that they storm off, especially if we were all having a really good time all hanging out before hand. He was not forthcoming with any anwsers besides things involving the weenie slapping. I don't know, he went home to cool off after being a bit assholish in his responses to my texts, aka, a lot of fuck offs, but I don't mind. He's upset he'll say things because hes hurt. I don't understand why he's hurt because honestly it was a small joke that should have just been a little bit of a laugh then a "you guys are dicks" and then we all get on with our life, instead he ruined some of the good spirits at the party for a while.

Weenie hut jrs.