Jaded

Things have settled down a little bit. I've grown accustomed to my work load. I have plenty of projects and things to keep me busy. I work hard from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. I have math homework regularly, and for the most part it makes sense, and I don't have too many problems with the material anymore. Just how long that it takes to complete.

This last week was pretty awful. Three physics assignments due on the same day as two calculus assignments. In addition to that, a paper to read and a paper to write, as well as an assignment for my Evolutionary Robotics class. I did it all, and had to stay up late to do so, but it was done.

Even though I'm constantly bogged down with working on homework and projects, I'm not as stressed out anymore. I suppose I'm just used to it now. Just like I'm used to being alone. It's always difficult at first, when I go from being with someone, or deriving pleasure from being with a friend or something whom I'm interested in, but after a while. I grow numb to the pain. It's like when someone pinches you. It hurts at first, but if they hold on for a while, the pain fades away. You become used to being in pain. Or when you're being tickled, I don't know if anyone else ever does this, but you can harden yourself against it, shut out the laughter and sensations from it, and become unaffected by it. I suppose the word I'm looking at right it jaded. My friend told me I sounded so last night.

I was talking to her, and playfully talking about how being bored during sex, or playing video games or getting a drink while doing it out of boredom, and she told me that I was jaded. I understand the word from context, but was curious, so we looked it up.
Jaded

Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.
Synonyms:	weary - tired - exhausted

I suppose this sums me up pretty well. I normally use the word apathetic, but I guess jaded works well. It pretty much describes how I feel about sexual pleasure right now, and a lot of other things. One of the few things I am not tired of or bored is solving problems. And perhaps that's why I enjoy working on projects so much. Currently my group in CS Crew is working on creating a smartboard using a wiimote as the sensor unit. It's very interesting to me, and we were even granted money from the CS Faculty to but the supplies to create the infrared pen that the wiimote detects. It's very nice, I love working on it and solving problems. There are 5 other people in the group, we only meet twice a week, but normally 4 of the group members only stay for about an hour working on things, and normally I stay for 4 hours, and occasionally my friend Scott stays for a while as well, although not normally as long as I do. I think I'm pretty much an unofficial project manager of the group, or at least thats how I feel about it anyway. I've been pushing the group along, trying to get goals done and figuring out how everything works together, between the GUI that is drawn upon, and the engine that receives the input from the wiimote. We're using C# and it's very interesting to learn a language and how to interface with the library we're using as well.

Wow, see what I mean? I've plenty of enthusiasm for my work and projects, but none for going out and  meeting new people, or meeting future love interests. It's just not as interesting to me as other things. That's not to say that I'm not interested in the people themselves I suppose. Its not like when I see an attractive person I ignore them or something, I might still have thoughts about what it might be like I suppose, as most guys do, but it's whatever to me. I know it's not going to happen and don't need to have any expectations. That way is better as well I think. Having no expectations means you can't be disappointed. Perhaps its a pessimistic attitude, but I'm not sure. Is it normal to feel like that? Should I even care? Why would one want to be normal when one can be extraordinary in things? Whats the point of being a social butterfly and running around making tons of friends, what affect does that have? A brief pleasure in the grand scheme of multiple lives is still a small pleasure and a fading one at that. But if you work hard at something, and become an expert or a worthwhile member of a community that creates new advances and helps so many people, isnt that worth more? Isn't that why I'm here? What else would be the point of living, but to help others? And to help them in more than just a fleeting manner.

I suppose when I started writing I just wanted to put something a little different then my previous posts, because they were all just rants and such. But I suppose I ended up ranting a little anyway, although I'm not angry or anything like that at all. I'm rather content with how things are right now, I feel like I'm learning a little bit at a time and making advances. I really want to get an internship. I saw a thing to do research for the navy and the pay is good too. I'd like to do that I think, it seems like a worthwhile career choice. But then I ask myself. Am I choosing this because I'm interested and want to do it, or because I feel that I need to because I've chosen this path for myself? Am I just doing it all to satisfy other people, do I really have no regard for myself? I couldn't believe myself if I said I was that selfless, but I truly believe I'm not doing it for the money, maybe I'm trying to make a name of myself and be recognize by people I respect. But I honestly have no clue. I know what I think I want, but I don't know if I actually want it or I'm just trying to please something or someone that I don't even understand.

I hope I won't become jaded by my work. I love it very much. And I don't know what I would do, or who I would be without them. I wonder if that's bad, am I obsessed with staying busy? Even if I am, would that be a bad thing? Who defines these things? Too much of something is bad for you? So does that apply to living as well I wonder? All things must die. But what if I wanted to live forever? How long is forever anyway.?
I realize it's in-feasible, but why not. Is thinking too much wrong? If I'm always busy with work, and always thinking then is there something wrong with that? Is it so wrong to think so much and to ignore other things? People, feelings, emotions, sex, is it wrong? I just wish I had someone who I could to and who could tell me the answers to my questions. I have so many questions and not enough time to get the answers to them all, but I want to so badly. I just want to know the answers. Isn't that what drives people? What else could? I don't understand other people, how can some people just float along in life so carelessly, not worrying about the needs of other people and things like that. I don't understand.