I had a visit to the ER about a month ago. Went through the whole thing in pain, dealing with doctors, new experiences, and painful IV's. Wanted more than 1 person with me, but my dad was the only one there for me.
Anyway, I just got around to looking at the claims on my insurance and I don't like it. The way something says pending, but has the full cost of the visit listed under the 'insured responsibility" is not encouraging. Especially when the cost if a large amount for someone in my position. I don't understand. Why are hospitals so damn expensive? I understand a lot of work, training, and effort go into maintaining the staff, building, and technologies. But I don't think they should cost that much, especially with the amount of people they see everyday.
If private companies really need to make money that bad, then why can't they move to a less... neccesary part of life? It's stupid because the 'treatment' I received was something I could have done myself if I had known what was wrong with me. It's stupid to think otherwise. Yes, they gave me some drugs to help ease some pain and some to make the circumstances of my illness more manageable, but to be honest I would have been fine without either one.
Seriously. I feel like my life has taken a nose dive since right before Christmas time. Losing my relationship, my money to bills, my friends to time constraints and over attached significant others. My hair is already beginning to grey a little, I have physical illnesses, get aches and pains. Am I aging 20 years in a matter of a month or something insane? I swear, the only thing that could make this worse is getting something like carpal tunnel or arthritis. My hands are my livelihood. On top of physical issues, there's always emotional ones. Difficult life decisions are already rearing their heads, and somehow I have to manage all these things while maintaining three jobs, two organizations, and my own personal life. Seriously. Where the hell is my free time and why does everything go wrong when I need it not to?
It's shit like this that makes me fine with losing my religion. I used to be religious, when I was a child. I used to honestly believe in God, I prayed every night. Praying for things I knew I could never accomplish. And there were never answers. There was one moment of peace and clairvoyance when I was very young. But I don't chalk that up to any sort of benevolent being. I differ it to that qoute amoung qoutes. "Religion is the opium of the masses" Well, for a brief time I was clouded, deluded and put under that spell. I don't testify that there is no god. You can't prove the existence of one either way. And it is hard to understand where anyone or anything originally came from. The concept of something from nothing is impossible to understand because it is impossible for humans to grasp the concept of nothingness. You may think that you do. You're wrong. Nothingness is not something that can be comprehended, because for it to be comprehended would imply that there is something there. Nothingness by definition is the absence of all. And if something is absent, then how could something come and grow from it? It's an endless cycle of debates and name calling if a debate between a religious person and a supposed heretic occurs.
Anyway, before I get too lost in that. I don't have reason to believe in a God that hasn't shown himself to me. Religious people could argue many things to me, that I'm turning a blind eye, that I'm wrong and all my 'gifts' and talents stem from his love for me. There are so many things that they could say. So many words I've heard before. It's not that they've fallen on deaf ears, I did try. But disappointment is an amazing thing. If you prayed as a child with complete faith in him for something, and it never happened. Then how are you to believe the 'faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains' line? Am I supposed to believe that I am another Job? Being punished in some way and that I am to maintain a faith during this trial? I can't remember the name of the character in the bible, it wasn't job I was thinking of originally. There's another story involving someone whom God just punished and killed for no reason and the whole time he kept his faith in him. It makes no goddamn sense.
I don't think people who believe in the existence of God are stupid or wrong. I find it illogical to do such a thing. But I understand that religion (or if you're a christian, relationship with God/Jesus) is a comforting thing for people who cannot embrace the world as a one shot opportunity. After all, to die is to fall into nothingness. And as I said, nothingness is incomprehensible. Humanities solution? Come up with a crockpot of incomprehensible religious propaganda. Fight incomprehsible with incomprehensible. Because one intractable problem deserves another, no?
All of that aside. I don't know why I'm on such a stint with this. I didn't intend to discuss religion. Just my shitty time with dealing with medical installations and insurance. Whatever. I'm tired of being put through so much shit. I know that somewhere someone is enduring more than I could ever imagine to bare, but that's not my life. As selfish as it is to say that. It's not my problem right now, my problem's right now weigh more heavily in my mind than someone starving halfway around the world. Self interest is something everyone tends to put forward. Even selfless people can be selfish sometimes. It's human nature. Everynow and then we all need to have a pity party. It's healthy I suppose. Ironic... maybe I should stop being so damn optimistic all the time so I can have a healthy little pity party.
Sigh. This is how I feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpmYgWFoY8E
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