2 Dears now 1

Even as I walked to my car I began feeling it. When I opened my door I was fighting it. When I sat in the car I let it out. I stay there a couple minutes in my dark car. No lights. No music. And I cried. When I felt like there was  nothing more to come out. I started the engine and began pulling out. It felt awful. I almost began crying again, but started repeating outloud: "You are ok. You are ok. You are ok" like some kind of self hypnosis medication. It helped stop the tears. As I drove farther away the words changed, pulsing with the beat of my music. "There is nothing wrong with being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone." As I stopped at stop sign and pulled out to the road along the lake. "There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you." My hands clenched the steering wheel at 2 and 10, my eyes staring out at the road, being careful since it was foggy. "You are ok. You are ok." Turning out on the main road, my eyes began to tear again. "There is nothing wrong with being by yourself. There is nothing wrong with being by yourself." I turned the music up, my eyes fixated on the road ahead of me. The speed limit perfectly follow, last thing I wanted was to explain to a cop why my eyes were red. "You are fine. You are fine." The long narrow stretch of road. "There is nothing wrong with being yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you, you are ok". The tears had stopped, but the words hadn't. "You are ok. You're ok." I heard my voice, but it sounded so far away. I drove on. "I deserve the best. I deserve the best."

I saw something very still on the side of the road. "You are ok, You are ok". Peering into the dark, I saw the outline of a deer. I looked at it. As I drove by it, it's head turned and followed mine as I felt our eyes lock for a moment. Odd this coincidence. I recall one time in the summer when two dear jumped across our path on this road. Only, those two deer had been frolicking happily, girl and boy in love. Deer and Stag in love. And now, the odd coincidence of the night that is finalizing our departure from each other in some respects. I see a single deer. Gone is it's mate. For a moment in time, I felt a  kinship with the creature. It's  stupid and illogical, but the coincidence is well welcome as an interesting event in my life where things matched up a little.

Is it so strange that I told none of my family members? Even though I have had the chance for weeks now to tell them about the break up. But yet, its still a surprise to them. The only person awake, my brother, has already texted me "wtf" and "what happened". His incredulity is refreshing. I think that he liked Amanda even if he didn't really know her that much and she didn't especially like him. I think he could see the kindness in her.

I feel very. Odd. Repeating myself over and over until I didn't even recognize my voice was interesting. And crying so much is bizarre for me, not that I don't have good reason. It's interesting. I don't know what to feel. But I know that I feel love for her still.  She has been a light to me for a year. How could I not be upset? and yet I feel ok after the long drive home of repeating myself like a crazy person.