Masochism and friendship

I wonder if I'm a masochist?

Not in a sexual way, I don't like being hit or anything like that during physical intimacy. But emotionally, I feel like I put myself out into harms way a lot. Being teased, or being led on. I say it's okay and I don't know why. If someone thinks they're leading you on, but you tell them they're not. Even if what they're doing is probably going to hurt you, you keep letting them do it anyway... is that masochism? Or is it just human frailty, wishing for something you know you can't have? Am I so naive? Maybe I have a compulsion to lie about whether I'm in pain or not, delusional I suppose.

People are an interesting bunch. They'll say something without thinking much of it, then immediately throw it into retrospective, recognize a callous remark, and apologize. Happened last night. Talking about how Amazon's profile of me is wrong because it believes that I'm the wrong gender, and offers me clothing that, while I think is nice, I wouldn't order or wear. My friend remarked that maybe it could help me find something nice for my girlfriend. A moment later, they realized what they had said and apologized. I imagine it's a fairly normal slip-up. If you're used to thinking about someone as being another person's significant other, and you don't typically pry into their private life, it's only natural you'd assume no change in that status. With the advent of facebook and most information creeping into the public domain, it's understandable that more people know whether you're single,married,complicated,gay,straight,bi. If someone wants to be an open book they can be.

I don't know if the brain can keep up with that overload of information. Being able to find out information about 300 friends is different from keeping yourself up to date and remembering it all. It was a brief slip, and an apology for possibly bringing up bad thoughts. But truthfully there weren't any. Yes, we're not together anymore. Am I unhappy about it? Of course, she was part of my life for a year in a very significant way, and she is still a driving force in my life since we're maintaining contact. Am I alright? I suppose it depends on your definition or perspective on what a person's state should be.

If you think that a person who just broke up with someone should throw themselves out to the public, make decisions casually about partners and fuck the pain away, then I am not alright. If you think that someone should think deep and hard about their actions, consequences of the past, and try to figure out a plan for the future. Then I'm not alright either. I'm probably somewhere between those. Everyone heals in their own way. I just need time to do so.

I don't like forgetting about people, because I don't want to be forgotten. Being part of someones life is something that's important to me. I don't want to be just another face, just an ex, or just an acquaintance to someone I value. If I value someone's friendship and the relationship I have with someone, then I'd like to see that relationship pushed and fulfilled as entirely as possible. Knowing the limits of a friendship is an important thing, and a limitless friendship sounds more like someone I'd want to be with physically as well.

Sometimes I think that I only ever write a couple paragraphs about whatever I was thinking at the time I opened my browser to write, and then get horribly distracted by other thoughts. blogging ADHD anyone?