Personal Crap, Playlist. Cheaters

Better to have loved and lost, then to have loved at all. What bullshit. People who have never had a girlfriend or had the kind of damage done to them that only a bad break up can inflict should count themselves lucky. If you never know how it feels to be broken, then aren't you better for it? You need to make mistakes to grow, but some times mistakes do the complete opposite. Getting you stuck in a permanent loop of reevaluation of the things that happened. They might feel like they get lonely, but thats not true loneliness. You can't miss what you never had. And missing is the worst part of it all.

One of my friends fooled around with another one of my friends. Unfortunately, the boy has a girlfriend. He fessed up, which is good of him. And obviously the girlfriend said what any normal girlfriend would. I don't know if they're broken up, but they'll definately be talking and be on eggshells for a while I think. He's a bit of a moron sometimes in all respects. Not with what he does, although some of that, but with how he copes with things of this magnitude. He tries to punish himself for doing stupid things. And it's not like a regular emo kid who cuts themselves, bleeds it out, and then gets on with the rest of their day. Nope, he's gotta do more permanent damage. Goes out and breaks a couple fingers. Smooth, now not only do you have a hospital bill, you have a broken heart, broken relationship, and a broken hand. Anyway, the reason I'm writing about it, is not because I think people should be notified of these things, because they have no business with that, but because it hurt me. Even if he didn't know it, it's not like I told him anything. The girl he ended up fooling around with, is a girl who I've been crushing on. I haven't really acted on it, or told anyone besides maybe 2 people. And I didn't tell him, but he's known me long enough, seen how I treat girls who I like enough, that maybe he should have picked up on that. Or I don't know, maybe I expected him not to fuck up his life more than it already was, yeah, making out and letting hands wander with a girl whose not your girlfriend is wicked smart. Ugh.

I suppose I don't really have too much of a reason to be upset. Maybe it was just because it was so sudden. And the fact that I've been talking to this girl for quite a while, and having some pretty deep conversations with her. Admitting things to her that I don't tell anyone else. Letting myself open up again for once. But whatever right? That isn't important. She told me stuff to, letting me know things that she wasn't sharing with too many other people if anyone. And I felt comfortable talking to her about it, it seemed right. I felt like maybe I had found someone else finally. She would tell me about her current boy trouble and stuff. Liking a guy who I know is a womanizer, and I was giving her advice. You know how it is. Boy A fucks with Girl B and Boy C, who is falling in love with Girl B comforts her and hopes that everything works out for her, even if none of those plans include him. God, I hate it so much. Its like a constant wave of shit from the ocean of bad tidings.

I'm just having some bad luck it seems like, not that my luck has changed at all for the last 3 years. I've been screwed since I broke up with the first girl I actually loved.  The girl who moved away has stopped talking to me. I guess she didn't really like me that much. The girl who I thought liked me and was only a few towns away back home doesn't respond anymore either. The girl who I was opening up to made some moves with one of my better friends and screwed his life up. And thats all just within the last few weeks or so. Its pretty fantastic. And before that? Dating someone for the sake of dating and not for actual feelings. Ended that badly and really hurt her, though shes alright now. And before that? Being led on by a girl who became a really good friend, but who still led me on after a brief fling. And before that? 2 or so years of loneliness, trying to recover from losing the girl who I had devoted everything to, who I'm still not over. And that was, I don't know, 4-5 years ago? My life is pretty fantastic it seems.

And the best thing is? It's pretty much imposible for me to have any sort of relationship anymore. Because the kind of relationship I want, is a longterm one, because those are what I do best, and I like being with a girl who I can tell I love and know that in a few months, we'll still be together. But I can't do that, school doesn't permit that kind of bullshit. A few months home, a few months at school, back and forth. Back and forth. No car means I cant come home to visit anybody I would date here. And work and the demands of life means that whoever was back home wouldn't be able to come up to visit me. And we all know how well keeping a relationship alive over the phone goes.

I feel like I'm just stuck in a loop. Spiralling down into a hole, and then suddenly I'm at the toplevel again, but I can see the hole again and I'm falling, spiralling over and over and over. Never escaping, no new swirls injected into my feedback loop to mix things up for the better. And then when I do open up to let something new in, I get screwed again. Is it so bad to want to be loved like everyone else? Watching the people who have what I want screw it up or renonce it because they're tired of it and want to be single again, or whatever reasons they think up. Is awful.  I'm hoping things will be different after school, when I have a career, a well paying job. Everything like that. Maybe my luck will change. Maybe getting away from these people who hurt me, and tear me apart inside will do me some good.

I'm on vacation, but so far this vacation has brought up more drama in me than the entire semester so far. When I'm home, it seems the drama is in abundance. At school? Theres no drama, no problems besides some tests and maybe wondering about if I should try to date someone for 3 months while I'm in school. Maybe I'm better off getting away from all these people who I consider my friends. Maybe the reason college kids drift away from their old childhood friends is because they realize that all those memories with them are dead weight. Yeah its fantastic to have friends who have that deeper understanding of what you've been through. But, I don't know. Maybe I just want to move on to something better.

I think I made the playlist I made last night well. It's titled: Alone. And is 2.4 hours of songs that reflect the mood I'm in right now.
Hyper Chondriac Music -Muse
Everything reminds me of her -Elliot Smith
Escape - Muse
Asleep - The Smiths
You're not sorry - Taylor Swift
Man in the mirror - Michael Jackson
Oscillate Wildly - The smiths
Dancing with Tears in my Eyes - Ke$ha
Endlessly - Muse
Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons
Under the Bridge -Red Hot Chili Peppars
Con-science - Muse
Street Spirit -Radiohead
I will - Radiohead
Dead Hearts - Stars
Please Don't tell her - Jason Mraz
I know its over - the Smiths
Honestly - AMerican Footbal
Du Erkennst Mich Nicht Wieder -Wir Sing Helden
Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift
Host - Muse
Blindness - Metric
Ohne Dich - Rammstein
Я твоя не первая - Tatu
Last Kiss - Taylor Swift
Last Night I dreamt that somebody loved me - The Smiths
Bist Du Nicht Mude - Wir sind Helden
Thinking about you - Radiohead
Can't Smile without you - Barry Manilow
Goodnight Goodnight - Maroon 5
Muscle Museum - Muse
Wo Bist Du - The Rammstein
The Untitled (In the End) - Linkin Park
To Live is to Die -Metallica