This girl I know told me she had a crush on me. I think I briefly discussed this in my last post. It's been fine since then, normal everyday activity, normal amount of conversation with her online and such. She's not an outspoken person, and prefers to talk online where she can hide behind the screen and think a bit first. Which I completely understand.
Tonight though, as she sent off her usual flurry of random meaningless things ( do I chew gum? yes I chew gum... oh you're collecting gum wrappers for an art project? Please, context first, then ask random questions out of the blue), I walked over to get my food from my desk, and the facebook chat noise went off. Quick successive of multiple messages. It's fine, I'm talking to 3 people, but then I go look. Nope. All from her.
So I think to myself "goooddd whyyyyy why is it when someone likes you but you dont like them back they just get on your nerves so easily" and then my brain stopped. And I sat there and thought about how I try to stay in touch with my ex. And that sometimes I send off a ton of messages to her. Normally with a picture I thought she'd like, or just checking in and seeing how her life goes. I worry about her a lot since she takes on a large courseload and gets stressed. And I'm still used to remembering things like she has test X soon, and wondering how she did. I like keeping up to date on people I care about, and I do that for all my friends. But I wonder if maybe she ever feels that way I just felt towards the girl who's crushing on me. That feeling where you're really just like: "God damn. Leave me alone"
That kinda triggered an unhappy bit in my brain on. That whole, well good job not realizing that you're probably not helping her get work done by bothering her with messages. You're probably not really doing a good job of giving her her own space and all that stuff that an ex should probably do. All those wonderful little feelings that just culminate in feeling worthless and that you're just still fucked up and you can't even be someones ex properly.
I'm sure it's a passing feeling. I hope. My immediate reaction when I started to get into that drain of 'oh look whose still an annoying person who doesn't get a hunt and keeps on trying to be friends with somone even when they're too busy for them' was to start to reach out for help. Of course, feeling like crap... the person I wanted to reach out most to was her. But of course, I can't do that. Doing that means that I'm bothering her and being this pathetic person. And pretty much enforcing all those thoughts about how I must be super annoying and that I'm probably bugging her but she's just too nice to tell me to go die in a ditch. Instead of doing all that, I decided to write it out instead. This way, when I'm done feeling this way, maybe I can look at this and say: ''you know, I'm not so bad, I just get a bit down sometimes"... of course, still doesn't change that my reaction to starting to feel like crap is to reach out to my ex and want to talk to her. But hell... what do I even say? What can I say? I want to come to her with my issues because she told me she'd be there for me and I told her I'd be there for her. But when my issue is that I feel like I'm the problem, that I'm not doing any of this right, that I'm the stupid one... I don't know what to do. I'm not going to go fishing for some pity party teamates, this isn't a pity party. It's not, woe is me I feel so bad. It's I feel like shit because I find myself projecting my feelings towards the girl who crushes on me, and talks to me all the time, onto my relatiomship with my ex, only the situations are reversed and im the one who talks all the time.
You know, these moods fucking suck. I feel so fucked up when I'm seriously arguing with myself over how I feel about anything. I guess I'm feeling better now that I've typed things out a bit. But really, I guess I'm looking for affirmation that I'm not an awful person for wanting to keep in touch with a friend I care about. And I'm really not that bothered by this girl talking to me alot, she's young, a bit immature, and any advice that I can give her to help her get over me is fine by me. Sigh. I just wish that I could handle my own issues to well.
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