I'm tired of posting depressing thoughts all the time. But it seems to be a trend in my mind. I swear I'm not trying to be this way, and that I am trying to get better. But I'm just so messed up and I don't have what I need in order to get through it.
I can talk to counselors about my problems. I can see a psychiatrist. I can talk to my friends. I can be assured of their support through messages and texts. But when I actually need someone physically with me everything seems to just fall apart. No one is there. I've posted before about how nice it was to be needed by my friend when she was in trouble. I guess I just wish I had someone like me there for me. Someone who, when seeing that I have an actual issue, will drop what they're doing and come help me.
Of course, the problem is, that I suppose seeing that I have an actual issue is the problem. I'm not one to walk around parading that I'm having trouble with something. I might drop a hint or two, but hell, a hint doesn't work, and no ones going to drop everything just on a hunch. It's not like I ask for assistance with a lot of the crap I do. And the few times I've asked a friend to come down and see me, or talk to me, so far I haven't really experienced the 'come and help' point.
It's not anyone else's job to deal with my problems but mine. But I'm just so sick of struggling and thinking about them every damn day that I just don't want to deal with it anymore. And there is no inbetween the line suicidal message or any bullshit like that in that last sentence. Suicide is for the weak. What I mean when I say that I don't want to deal with it anymore, I just mean that I want the issue resolved. I want it fixed. I want some solution to my problem. But I know the solution isn't going to be coming anytime soon. That dealing with what I'm dealing with takes a long long time. No one knows that better than me, I mean, honestly, I've delt with it my whole life so it's not like 4 years will be too much of a dent in it either.
I just want the physical comfort of someone being there, telling me that it's alright. Having that shoulder to cry on type of deal. But hell, I understand why no one wants to deal with that. No one wants to see people cry. Hell, I don't want to see myself cry. I just want to be held and told it's ok. That it will be fine. Tell me lies if need be. I don't even care.
God I need a personal day soon or I'm gonna be a wreck. While I was walking to work today my mother called me and lectured me about drinking on a Monday night. Basically accusing me of becoming like my brother and being an alcoholic. Uhm. No. Nice try though buddy. I drank last night to celebrate being done with a very difficult and stressful class. I was out with friends and had a lot of fun. I made an ass of myself with drunk texting a bit I think, and I really do need to apologize to someone now. But still. Going to drink with some friends is not an alcoholic thing.
There really is no comfort in talking to family for me. I wish that I could have a great relationship with my family like some people do, but the more I talk to them the more I just feel alone. I have to wonder about that with my friends as well. Because sometimes it just seems like I can't see eye to eye, that I can't get on the same level as them. I just don't understand how to deal with other people anymore and I feel completely distant from reality sometimes. Like I'm just stuck in my head with all these thoughts about all my issues. The worst part about it? That I'm the one who has to deal with the issue. I don't mean that in a pity party sort of way, I just mean that this is something very personal and that even if I talk to a doctor about it or something the person who has to penultimately accept it and handle it is myself.
That's true for any issue really, but some problems you can get some help from friends with. Sadly, not really one of those times. I just wish that I hadn't started actually addressing and dealing with it until I was done with school. But instead I rushed into trying to solve it. Which is totally like me. Always trying to fix things, always trying to solve the problem, refusing to brush things under the rug. Maybe attacking a problem head on isn't always the best way. Maybe it would have been better to just keep running away from the issue. Just let it sit in the corner of the room and ignore it. But nope. Nope, I decided that I should face it. That I should deal with it and get it off my mind. And what do I have to show for it? It's on my mind every second of every damn day and it's like a virus. It just spreads to everything I do and I can't even keep it out my mouth anymore, I hardly censor the oh-so-not-very subtle bits that might refer to it when I talk. I just can't deal with this anymore alone. But somehow telling the few people who I've told about, while it's been a small release, hasn't helped. I haven't gotten the help I want back from them. The responses to far have been positive. Maybe I need a negative response so that I can just get cut open and let out some of these feelings. Maybe that's why I'm finely blogging about it, not letting it sit between the lines of these posts anymore. Actually being out with it and saying that I'm messed up. That I actually want someone to pay attention and to notice me. ... obviously the best place to get that is blogger... not. I don't know. Maybe I just want to bring it up enough here that I'll be asked about it. When I'm asked, I don't foresee myself really wanting to talk about it. And that's the worst part. Certain people, I just want to talk to them about it in person so that they can't run away from me. But talking about it in person is the worst. It's the most terrifying of all the ways to discuss it. Yet for some fucked up reason I feel the need to think that some people deserve being told about it in person. Does that make any damn sense? If I'm so afraid of being hurt, so scared of receiving that negative reaction, then why do I want to tell the people who could hurt me the most in person? That's just fucked up. It's like I want to be hurt.
Hell, maybe that's the truth of the matter. Maybe I just want to be hurt, but I know that I can't hurt myself because I will never do that. So instead maybe I'm just trying to push people into hurting me so that I can actually feel something besides this rending awful feeling of lying to the world and lying to everyone I care about. Maybe that's just part of who I am. It would certainly explain all the worthless feelings I have. It would certainly explain 90% of my choices in relationships. Maybe I just always chose cheaters subconsciously because I wanted to be hurt. But what kind of person does that? Do I feel like I deserve to be hurt or something? What the hell happened to me that made me this way? Why do I have to be this way? I just want to change. I want to "get better". I don't want to be fucked up anymore. I want to be able to live my life the way I should be living it. I want to be free.
Above all else. I just want to be told that I'm loved. And to actually feel like I'm not being lied to. I want to believe people. But how can I when I can't even believe myself? I told this idiotic kid I worked with who started chatting with me about cheaters and trusting people that he had to trust people at some point. You've gotta get past your hedgehog dilemma at some point. I'm such a hypocrite. How can I tell someone else they need to trust someone when I know that every-time I've trusted someone I've been let down and hurt. Well I guess that's not so true. I suppose so far a few people I've told about my issue have been supportive and nice. But I don't feel like I trust that. I trust them enough to tell them about it without worrying about a negative response. You choose your battles, and when you pick someone to talk to who you know is always supportive of other people and is really kind, then you've rigged 'the battle' in your favor. But I guess I just doubt it. Even if they're supportive on the outside and in words, it's deeds that matter. And when someone reacts poorly in person to it, it means more. You can see more when you're talking to someone face to face. You can't hide a reaction to someone telling you something intensely personal and fundamentally changing in the image of what you see that person as.
Fuck. I can't help but wonder if I'm just feeling messed up like this because it's so close to my first relationships anniversary. I've gotten over the relationship and over her. I'm convinced of that entirely throughout my core and I know it's true. But still. Friday is the day. 4/26. Even since that breakup the number has always popped up. It's like when you don't want to see a number and you subconsciously find it everywhere. You attribute meaning to something as meaningless as a number and there it is. I just always feel upset on that day. Without fail. It's just a reminder of a failure I guess. A damn good failure because, I can be honest about it, that relationship was awful. Yet it set the expectation. The expectation to be hurt by others. To be thrown away and tossed aside by someone you care about. To be confused and not understand how someone can do that to someone.
Cheating still makes no sense to me and I don't think I'll ever understand why people do it. There's never a reason for it. Not a good one at least.
Damnit. I thought I was getting to a better place in life. I thought that things were looking up, yet I just keep looking back. Reflecting on the past isn't my issue anymore, I don't do that that much. The future is my main concern now. Where I'm going. What I'm doing. Who I'll be. Who my friends will be. And I have all this stuff to think about, and yet,I'm stuck looping in the present with my thoughts. Always these thoughts on my brain. It's like I'm obsessed with finding a solution. Maybe I am. Maybe that makes me who I am and why I'm good at programming. You can always find a solution in programming. Always. There's always a fix. Maybe that's what I love about it. Is that I have control and the power to fix any problem I've made or someone else has made in the code... With me though, there is no fix it seems. Or maybe I just need someone to come along and show it to me. I need a second set of eyes on my problem to help me figure it out. I need a fixer. I want someone to come and fix me I guess. But how can I ever expect anyone to help me if I can't even tell them I'm broken? I can just wait and hope that someone comes along and falls into my lap with a solution. But that's no way to live. I can actively seek someone out but that doesn't seem to work either.
Maybe that's why I'm always so much happier when I'm in a relationship with someone. Being in a relationship with my work is fine, it keeps me busy. Recently it hasn't kept me as distracted as I wanted though. All the personal and emotional issues seem to just be pushing their way to the fore front of my mind. And I just want them to go away, to be solved, to be dealt with. And if possible, be able to deal with them not alone. It's not that I'm lonely. To be honest, I don't really miss it. I don't mind sleeping alone in a bed or not having someone to kiss or anything like that. I miss cuddling and feeling close to someone and that comfort. But, besides that I'm not terribly lonely. Meh. That probably doesn't make much sense at all. Reading that sentence over again makes me think, hm yeah, that sounds like a lonely person right there. Sigh. I'm just so tired of being emotionally drained constantly. And I'm predicting that this Friday is going to be a low point for me. The damn day is always is. 4/26. I wrote a song about it before. Depressing as all hell. Had a beautiful and haunting guitar part, but it conveyed the feelings I had, and made my singer in my high school band say "this song makes me want to kill myself. Its good, and has a lot of meaning, but damn, that openning riff is just... it hits you in the core man"
And that's where I'm hit everytime with this issue. Right in the core. It's a fundamental and pervasive feeling and I wish that I could just shut it off. That I could be happy with who I am right now and be ok with it. But nope... I rushed in to trying to solve it at the first chance and now it's like I'm out on the ocean surrounded by feelings and contemplations. Out in that Ocean alone. And I really just want a beach ball to draw a face on to keep my company.
God I'm fucked up...
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