<awkward> Skip to the birthday part... is more interesting...
It's not easy being strong in your relationships with people.
There's many different kinds of relationships. There are ones that straddle the boundary between love and hate, there are ones that feel awkward and won't stand the test of time. They're ones that fall between true friends and love. And there's so much between.
In each relationship there's always a duality. Two opposing forces. Many times they're not opposing and they work in harmony, other times they're completely at odds. Seeing differences and reveling in them is what makes life, love, relationships, and being human unique.
I find that a lot of the time in relationships I like to walk a line. I try to be a mature individual. I put my heart on my sleeve and let people know what I'm thinking. I like to let it all out and see what the world thinks. And then when the world doesn't like it, I tell it to shove off and that I'll be who I am.
A friend of mine accidentally sent me a text intended for a different one. And in that text she said that her heart had dropped a bit because she had overhead a conversation that implied that I liked a girl. I honestly have no idea what conversation she heard (I was ecstatic about a presentation I gave today and didn't even talk about any girls at all while I was in the lab, hell I'm not currently pursuing any romantic interests), but whatever she heard I guess was one of those moments.
You know the moment, when you've fallen for someone and you find out they really like someone else or something. That feeling of having your hopes dashed. That curl in your stomach and blank feel that washes over you. Falls through your mouth and into your legs. Any amount of hope you had built up involving a relationship with that other falls apart. I know the feeling well, I used to pine after girls in middle and high school, knowing full well that I would never be with them, that they'd date other people and that I would feel like crap doing it. I never dropped those though and went for 'an easy' girlfriend or something. Anyway, high school aside, I know the feeling. And suddenly I was on the other end of it.
Well not that sudden, I mean, you have to be completely oblivious to not get the feeling that someone likes you a bit more than as a friend. Chatting you up whenever you're online, talking to you when they normally have trouble talking to other people. Etc etc. But even though I knew that, I decided it didn't really change much. I decided that she was my friend and that's what she was. I'd be nice to this girl. This girl who seems to have a few family issues, some self esteem and social discomfort. When you meet someone and you see someone who wants to come out of their shell but doesn't know how. You just want to help them embrace being alive and in a social environment, learning to be comfortable talking in front of people and not so stricken by social anxiety that they can't function well.
So there's that. She accidentally sent me that text, I asked what conversation she had heard (because I certainly had no clue what she was talking about), she realized who she had sent the text and asked me to please please forget that that had just happened. ...Obviously not something I can do. So I talked to her, told her it was fine. She told me that even though she's had a crush on me, she's been trying to stop having a crush on me, she described it as hopeless. It pains me because I know exactly how she feels. And really it's a phase. It's a growing pain that quiet people have to go through. That moment when you have to actually confront someone with your feelings. And while she never intended to do it. It happened. So I was trying to help her through with it in the most gentle way I could.
I have this issue with trying to be nice. The problem is that I try to be nice. You can't be nice with people all the time, set's false expectations. Sometimes you have to be mean. But there I was, trying to be nice, giving her advice on how to work through her issue of crushing on someone and them not having the same feelings back. What a weird scenario, right? Normally that kind of thing happens with a friend, not with the person who you like being the one giving you advice on how not to like them... how fucked up is that?
I mean, what do you really tell people in a situation like that? I dunno. It's crazy. I honestly don't know how to really deal with someone crushing on me. It's not a situation I'm used to (oh woe is me no one likes me -- not. I've got a life to live, no crap pity thoughts like that for me).
</awkward>
It's my birthday tomorrow.
People seem to think it's weird when I'm not excited for my birthday. There are reasons. Most of them meh ones, some of them good ones. But I've just never really cared for it. It's not that I don't like seeing people, and having everyone wish me nice thoughts. But I guess, I haven't really done anything worth celebrating yet. Like, being born took no effort on my part. That was all on my parents. My mom when giving birth to me (Gross) and my dad when he had to take care of my mom for 9 months and cater to whatever crazy whims she had. All I've done since being born has been to get messed up, fix myself, get messed up, fix myself. etc etc until college when I suppose I have a few more accomplishments to mention (paper published, winning a competition with some friends, being a leader in my community, etc etc).
Even though these accomplishments sound nice on paper, does it really do anything? Eh... no. I want to make a difference in someones life. I want to create something that will change people's lives for the better. And if I can't do that, I'd like to settle down with someone somewhere and be the difference in their life. ... I'm selfish though, so I'd prefer to have a larger accomplishment than marriage. (Is that too awful of me to say? I dunno maybe)
Anywho. I guess it's nice to be celebrated for a day. But this year there will be nothing. My parent's aren't coming up to visit (they've come up every year), there's no girlfriend to give me a present this year and visit (that's fine, just mentioning it because that's a difference between this and last year), none of my friends have ever really gotten me a gift. I probably won't spend money on anything for myself besides a double neat grey goose with a splash of cran at the bar (I like my vodka as straight as it can be with a bit of red). And I'll be in class then at work. And the day will pass just like any other. In 48 or so minutes I'll be one the 24 hour road to being 22. The evil age that means I've managed to make it another 4 years through schooling and have to go on to the next step.
My ex has been reminding me of my birthday for the last 2 days. I really hate calling her my ex, because that sounds like she's not a part of my life anymore or something but that's a total lie. I don't like to use name's on my blog. Naming people just... it's not good I think. So I just have to refer to her as my ex I guess. Anyway, she's been reminding me for the last 2 days. And honestly it's nice. I like being remembered. I remember telling her about one of my fears, the fear of being forgotten and not making a difference anywhere and just being... gone. She told me she wouldn't forget me. A hard to believe statement to be honest. It's easy to fall out of contact with people and start to forget them, so I really can't expect her to maintain a promise like not forgetting me. It's the same kind of thing as how some people are busy all the time. It doesn't matter how busy you are. If you actually care and love someone, you can pretty much always make time for them. I suppose if you care and really love someone you'd never forget them. But emotions are tricky so you can never be sure that someone else feels the same way about you as you do them. I know that I won't ever forget my first. My second I forget frequently (it was a series of bad decisions), my third... her and I are still good friends but tend to just catch up every now and then and besides that live pretty separate lives. With my most recent ex.... I don't know. I'd like to think that she won't forget me, but I just can't believe in something like that... not that I don't want to, but just that telling yourself that someone will always be there for you (because they said they would be).... it's hard. So far that promise has been there, even if I wish that she had more time to talk to me everynow and then (I worry about her because she's so busy and stressed and I really do want her to succeed in everything and have an amazing life. She's a fantastic person so I really am cheering in the crowd for her and wishing her the best and all the happiness). Jesus christ... before I keep talking in circles about how much I love my friends (including my ex because she's one of those special people who fall into the best friend radius) let me get back to the point.... which.. right. She's texted me each day over the past couple of days with a countdown of my birthday. And it's felt really nice to have someone.... looking forward to it I suppose. Because I never do, and yet... here's this person who --if I think about it a bit-- is genuinely happy that I'm alive. That I was born. That I met them and am their friend. I suppose, while maybe that's not the sentiment she wants to send and I'm just feeling sappy and interpretting it this way, I'm just happy about it. So I guess. If you read this, thank you. I dunno if you'll get past that part about my other friend having a crush on me. I don't know if I'd want to read that either. (such a weird scenario! HELP!)
dAnywho. I guess what I don't like about my birthday is pretending to be happy about it. Like, people will find out and they'll smile real big and be like OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOOOO and if you're just... if you just half smile and go.. "oh yeah thanks" they wonder if somethings wrong with you. And so I learned that lesson over a few years and learned that if I don't want to be bothered by people I have to pretend to be happy about it. But really, what's so bad about not being happy on your birthday? I don't see a specific reason why I should be happy I was put in this body. Talk about bipolar.... up there I'm talking about how I'm happy my friend (that's a better way than saying my ex!) remembered me and has been counting down to it. It honestly has meant the world to me over the past few days. One of those little beacons of sunshine in a stressed up week.
Anyway. Before I just keep blathering about how awesome my friends are and how supportive they are of the things I do and that I'm really lucky. I suppose I'll just stop writing. Talking about my friends support in the things I do and struggle with is a WHOLE other post. k bai
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