Well. It's Spring Break! Time for fun, friends, and recuperation.
So far I've had a bit of fun, a bit of friends, and a bit of recuperation. Not as much as I'd hoped for I guess. But for now it will do. Today was kinda iffy today though. I made plans to hang out with someone, and I was really excited. But then they were really tired, so when I got to their place, they went to sleep. I hung out with a roommate of theirs --and a friend of mine, for 5 hours. Eventually though, the roommate's girlfriend showed up and he went into their bedroom to get some loving in. So I sat there alone in a living room for a few minutes, finding my jacket and went off to walmart to shop for my lunches this week. My parents have been having trouble financially this year, and it's showing through by the requests my mother makes of me. It's fine, but it just hits home when you're told you need to buy your own food, replace all the gas you use in any car (setting the trip meter to 0, then multiplying the ending trip meter by .6 to figure out how much will need to go into the gas tank), and in general, being told that you pretty much have a place to stay, but you're providing for yourself. It's not exactly what I think of as a vacation. I guess, coming back to your parents house on a break, you expect some sort of comfort. The comfort that being with family can bring, especially your parents who you know love you completely. Yet... I don't know. I guess my coming home is a burden to them. And I feel like I'm a burden to my friends. And just... yeah. I'm trying to stay positive, but really the only time I write blog posts (for the most part) is when I'm upset, because that's when I need to write it out and get it out. When we're happy we want to share it with people, but typically you share it with people directly. This blog is more like my private corner of the world where I can just say all the awful things that march through my head day after day, where I don't have to worry about people accusing my of throwing a pity party, reflecting too much in my past, or anything like that. It's where I can just let myself come through, which is really nice. It's not something I always get to do in regular day life.
I guess, what's been bothering me a little recently is how distant so many of my friends feel. I don't feel like I'm still a part of any of their lives. It's more like, hey I'm home and we'll hang out, but they wouldn't go out of their way for it. I just feel like a stranger. A stranger at my friends houses, a stranger in my own home, no matter what I do it's like I don't belong. Plus there's some "in-fighting" I guess between a few of my friends. They're all roommates, so they have to deal with each other a lot, and one of them is an apathetic wall, he's one of my best friends, but he's an emo kid sometimes and tends to be... less than empathetic to peoples issues and can be self centered alot. ... I'm not describing him in a very positive light. He is a great guy, a smart one who can give some really great advice sometimes. But, his other roommates really hate living with him. Now I don't live with them, so I don't know everything that happens. But it just sucks seeing your friends not get along. And then I come along, want to be with all of them, and even if I get them all together, it's awkward because they'll bitch at each other. Or sometimes I feel like I organize an event. And then instead of participating I just sit back and watch it happen. It's nice to observe though. I don't know if it's such a bad thing, but with all the "stranger" feelings, it sucks to do that and then feel like you're not even a part of something you helped create.
I listened to an old cd, Showbiz by Muse. One of my favorite albums. A lot of emotion in that album and it reminds me strongly of my highschool years. I think it's funny how no matter how crappy things get, you can always turn back to the things you enjoyed in the past and find solace. Listening to music makes me feel better sometimes, othertimes I just feel... well. Whatever the song is trying to convey. And if it's a good song, then I'll feel it hard. Music is an amazing thing.
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