I had a bad night.
It started out with the promise of being good. I've been wanting to play pool and I finally got to. I've been meaning to go out and party a bit on a Friday night. And I got to out, listen to music and do what most people would consider fun. I did too for a while. But then as people left, slowly it dwindled down to 6 of my friends and me.
Unfortunately for me, the 6 were really 3 couples. I didn't have much to contribute to the conversations going on, so I texted people and I was a bit drunk. So I probably was making an ass of myself. I just wanted to get away from the couples, but felt like it was too rude to just get up and leave. Plus my jacket was on a chair underneath one of the couples, and I didn't want to bother them about getting it.
Walking home was ok, I walked with a couple for a little while. But before we parted ways, somehow valentines day came up. My friend's wife said that it's such a bullet shit holiday, and it's true to an extent. It's a holiday entirely made up by Hallmark. But the sentiment about having a special day with someone you love is a good one. Anyway, I don't want to go off on a tangent about the right or wrong about a made up holiday. My friend told me that I should spend time with a girl that day, which I replied that it's necessary to have one in order to do that. Before the conversation could dive off the awkward end of the pool I changed the subject to asking about one of my friends whose gay. Because he's never full come out to me, so I asked my friend about it, " yeah he's gay... but I don't know if I was supposed to tell you that so I didn't say that ok?".
And then he said something that bothered me. "When I met you and B I thought both of you were gay". B's a friend who graduated the other year and is married now to his longterm girlfriend he had back in the day. I laughed and told him that everyone thought B was gay. We parted ways then and I was left to think about what he had said.
I come off as gay?
Since I had walked with them towards their house, I was a few streets over from the main street so it was dark and quiet. As I walked I texted my friend who was going out to dance. Asking him if he'd pick me up and distract me. Then he told me where he was going to dance. First Friday, the lesbian gay transvestite dance that happens on the first Friday of each month.
Shit.
It's one thing to be told that you come off as a homosexual, and I can get over that. But it's another thing to go somewhere and look for that sort of thing. To be honest, I'm not entirely straight, but I don't typically find guys attractive. And tonight I was feeling down. I knew that if I went to that event, I was in the kind of mood where I just wanted to make poor decisions, be reckless, be stupid, and forget about who I am. I didn't want that. So I told him I wasn't going to go. He tried to convince me to come out because I had told him I was upset. And being a good friend, he was ready to try to cheer me up with dancing drinking and a good time.
But there are just some nights where you just need to feel. When I got back to my room, I lay in bed for a while listening to music. And I felt awful. It wasn't the liquor or anything. I was in no danger of throwing up. But, I knew I was upset. My actions, texts, and words had already told me that. But there I was laying in bed, and I felt nothing. I want to cry. I can't. I want to scream. My head tells me not to bother my suitemates with noises like that late at night. I want to talk to people. I have nothing to say. I want to be cheered up. I stay inside.
Maybe I made the wrong decision last night. Or at least, I made the responsible decision at the expense of my emotional health. I don't know why I'm so fucked up. I mean, I know the course of events that have the largest affect on it. Obviously it's my breakup that's still affecting me. And it should I guess, or at least that's what my friends tell me when I talk about it with them. I care a lot about her still, so it's not surprising that I'm not over her yet. But I don't know how to get over her, and I don't even know if I want to.
I look at other girls when I walk around, none of them are what I want. None of them hold a candle next to her. Maybe I've just got a pedestal for her on my head. But I don't think that's the case. There are tons of girls who would be considered to be prettier. There are probably girls who are just as smart or smarter. But those girls, even if I met one, would lack the main draw that she had. Something that struck me about her was the way she though, does think. And that she had a crush on me. Normally it's the other way around, I'm crushing on someone but to afraid to do anything about it. That's a lesser extent now that I've grown a little bit, but I remember getting a christmas present for a girl I was crushing on, being so close to giving it to her, and then not having the guts, and walking home still holding it.
I guess I'm still not looking for other girls, which isn't a problem I think. There's nothing wrong with not actively looking for a partner. But my problem is that I'm not moving onto the limbo single stage between relationships. I'm still stuck on the past. I came up with a rule once, for each month you spend with someone, you're allowed a grieving period of 1 week. So since I was with her for a year, I'm allowed 12 weeks to be unhappy with life and be a general bother to my friends. It's been 6 already and I've felt like I'm making no progress towards that end goal of being happy being me again. I thought I had it this past week. There was a moment of clairvoyance as I walked to work. And it just felt like I was being reassured that it was ok to be single. To just live for myself and not put someone else first. And I thought it was good. I thought I was getting better.
Last night tells me I haven't actually made much progress.
I texted her. My drunken self, like usual, says things she probably doesn't want to hear. I used to only be completely honest with her about how strong my feelings were when I was intoxicated. And it seems like I'm only honest with myself and anyone else about how I currently feeling when I'm intoxicated as well. Solutions? Don't drink maybe. But that doesn't solve the problem.
If I really am this unhappy underneath it all. Then I should face it right? I should just think about all this stuff, write it out. Figure out why I'm being such a burden to my friends, how I can cheer myself up instead of hoping my friends can. All that. When I was upset or down on myself. My ex was always there with just the right words for me. I don't know how, but she just knew the right words to say to me to calm me down. I don't know if I still have that. I can't understand.
I can't understand how someone couldn't hate me right now. If I was in her shoes... well, I've been in those shoes before. Where you don't feel as strongly about someone and they love you with everything. Where you have to say goodbye, and then deal with their heartache. I remember being totally indifferent to a different ex's calls, to her texts, to everything. I was straight with her, I don't like seeing people unhappy, so I would offer my advice or listen to her when she really wanted to talk to me. But under it all I didn't care. She wasn't necessarily bothering me, but after a few weeks of that I was ready to just delete her out of my phone and ignore her. Let her figure herself out.
I feel the situation is reversed. I can't expect to understand how someone else feels. I could be completely wrong and just be projecting my past experiences onto the present. Not a good idea considering my history sounds like a tragedy. I apologize every time I'm upset, worried that I'm being a bother. That I'm going to get her fed up with me, and she's going to cut me out entirely. I don't think she's that kind of person. And we've discussed things along those lines, so you'd think I'd be reassured that I'm not going to be ignored like I ignored a previous ex. I just expect karma or something to come around and kick my ass I guess. I don't think I've forgiven myself for breaking up with that previous ex. It's been years. I've moved on, and so has she, she has a kid and is living a happier life. But I analyze everything, I try to connect the dots between past and present. Hoping to find some way to know what will happen next.
I wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to drive her away. To make myself feel like I made the other one feel. It's probably working. I feel pretty worthless a lot of the time, and things that I should take pride in, I'm not.
When did I become so insecure? I thought I was a confident assertive person who knew what they wanted to do in life. Who had a plan. That my friends looked at and said, that kid's going somewhere. So why do I feel so small. I beat myself down a lot I think, but I say that's because I don't want an ego. I don't want to be an arrogant bastard no one wants to talk to. I want to be good at what I do, but not in a cocky way. But instead all my feelings inside are just boiling and I don't know what to do with them.
I had a nightmare last night, it started off similar to how my night went. Hanging out with friends having fun. Then we said goodbye, and I took out a car key and pushed the button to find the car. I went and found one, but it wasn't my car and it was on top of one of those things that carries broken cars. I thought to myself, well I don't know how I got this key, but I should go give it to the police station so they can handle it. So I checked my other pocket and sure enough was the key for my car. So I went and found it, but it had been rear ended and backed into. So it was sorta stuck, and also someone had stolen the front half of the car, engine and everything. And replaced it with the hood from my old car, a red ford. I thought it was weird, but I knew I should go report being backed into, being rear ended, having a piece of my car stolen and replaced by a shittier part, and the other car whose keys I had, to the police. So I got in the car and managed to get out onto the street. But as I was driving I realized I had no control over the speed. The brakes were cut. So I couldn't stop. And I was shifting the car into different gears, trying to slow it down, but over and over I was forced to drive through red lights telling me to stop. I saw a police car and drove next to it, speeding by, screaming at it to help me. But it turned away, he hadn't heard me through the glass window. Eventually, in terror I had veered off onto a dirt path, hoping it would slow me down. And as I drove I did slow down, but then I came out onto a clearing and there was water. A whole black lake. I didn't want to drive into the lake. Drowning would be the worst, so I pulled the car into doing a huge turn. Scraping away at the beach as I turned around, going way to fast. Afraid I was going to flip and fall into the water. But I missed it, and turned back onto the path. And as I was heading up the little hill that had led down the beach the car slowed down. And stopped. I got out and heard a howl. There were wolves around me. I got back into the car but the car wouldn't start and the wolves were at the doors. And there was nothing I could do.
I woke up. I don't feel well rested after that. I intended to sleep away my feelings from last night. Hoping that they were just delusions brought on by drinking and a few poor phrases passed around. But I guess not. I guess the case is that I'm deeply unhappy and I need to face that problem. I need to not drag down my friends when I'm feeling like a piece of shit. I'm an adult, or trying to be one, so I should deal with my problems and solve them by myself. I shouldn't be reliant on other people for my state of happiness.
I don't think it's any coincidence that my dream is so transparent. My subconscious spoke pretty loudly through that dream. Finding something that didn't belong to me? Ex. Thinking I should go hand in a key linking me with that? Trying to let my feelings go and give them back somewhere else, trying to move on. My car being beat up and squished between cars? The state of my heart right now and feeling stuck. The old hood? Same hood from when I broke up with a previous ex. The car having it's breaks cut and not being able to stop driving? Not being able to stop texting or saying things I know I shouldn't. Going by a police officer, screaming for help but getting none? Asking friends for advice or for distractions and not finding it, the feelings that I'm just bothering people and they'd rather ignore me. Turning onto a dirt path? Taking a bender last night with drinking and such. Coming that close to the waters? I'm low right now, I would never commit suicide, but I'm deeply unhappy and I'm coming really close to facing it. Turning around and trying to head back down the path? Trying to move on and get happier. The car stopping and wolves coming out? Getting stuck on bad feelings last night and having all those issues stabbing at my brain and making me unhappy.
I didn't die in the dream, but the ending was definitely unresolved. Hopefully over the next 6 weeks I'll get out of that den of wolves. I'll move on and feel better about myself. Get into a steady state of singleness and be ok with it. Hopefully I won't bother her about all unhappy feelings anymore because I won't have them, and we can just be good friends like she wants. ... I guess I have to wonder what I want. I want to not lose her entirely. So friends works for me if that's all I can have. But I do need to get over her if there's really 0 chance of us getting back together. I wonder if there was a chance, and I'm destroying it by being the way I am. I shouldn't think that way. I need to try to be happy.
I'm really sorry about bothering everyone last night. I texted so many people looking for a distraction but no one wanted me. No one wanted to hang out with me I should say, but the other sentence is how it felt. It's not their responsibilities to take care of a broken hearted fool. So why do I try to force that on them?
Fuck this was a long post. Well... time to go pretend to be happy and lie another day away.
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