wheel.

I feel like a 2n+1 wheel.

I'm always a 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel when I'm out with my friends. Normally it doesn't bother me too much. But this weekend it did. Maybe it has something to do with one of my friends getting engaged? Maybe that my married/partnered friends make jokes about how they can't code as much like I can because I have free time because I'm not linked up with someone. They're supposed to be jokes, but they really only serve to remind me that I'm alone. Sure I'll quip back at them about those types of things. But I never show that I'm hurt. That maybe I wish that I could stop being a workaholic long enough to enjoy someone elses company -- or rather, that I could stop having only one thing truly defining me to my friends who see me as just a programmer.

Sure, Programming is what I do. It makes perfect sense to me. And I love it very much. Do I not get lonely because of my dedication to science? No. I get plenty lonely. Especially when I'm sitting in a room, listening to all my friends talk about how great it is to be married and have 'that promise of someone being there' when you get home or need them. Or how they shirk duties for projects and don't really hold onto the details of an application because they simply want to hang out with their spouse.

They say they're envious of my work ethic and how much time I can commit to a project. ... Maybe they assume I'm ok with being by myself. And having no one anymore to hold. Well... they'd be wrong. I'm past the stage of getting over my ex. 1 week for each month together with that person is my rule for grieving a relationship. So, 12 weeks after the breakup is supposed to be when I'm ok with being lonely again. Or at least, that's what I told myself I'd do and what it'd be like...

unfortunately, that's not the way life works. I don't want to say I'm still hung up on my ex. But, I still love her very much. She's one of those people who I want to talk to still, and when the liquor flows in me and loosens up the tight logic bound in my brain, I text her and tell her I miss her. Why? Because I do, I really do miss her. I'm ok not being with her anymore. It's best to move on or something right? But that doesn't stop me from wanting to be with her or at least see and talk to her. I feel like I've been cut out though. I could be completely wrong. But there's just not as much commication as I wish there was.... of course, that could be because she finally got tired of my drunk texts. And me not being able to get over her it seems.

After half a year, shouldn't I start not feeling so lonely? It's bad enough being lonely. But I get upset when I hang out with couples, because everyone was else seems like a perfect couple or they have things going for them... what do I have? I have a job in my field.... I have the respect of some peers. But what I want is for someone to actually love me and care about me. As more than just a friend. I want to have a cuddle buddy. Someone to talk to when I have to handle all my issues. When my medical bills or conditions pop up, I want to have someone to call to the hospital to hold my hand and to help me through. Of course, that's too much to ask for.

how do people get dates and meet people when you don't have hte very common ground of schooling together? I don't know. Of course, I'm not really trying to get anyone to fix my loneliness problem. That seems wrong somehow. But really though: I feel like I'm going to die alone, self invested in my work, I leave no time for going out to meet people, and I'm not going to do online dating. That just seems like a cop out to life. I'm married to my computer as is, I don't need to use it to date people too.