Today I was in a mood.
Feeling retrospective and contemplative I decided to sit, listen to music (Imogen Heap) and think about my life.
It was amazing how many small things I could remember back from elementary school and preschool and onward. Things that were so small and meaningless, but yet still held enough meeting for me to remember them after over a decade.
One of my roommates came out and handed me a mimosa that she had made. It was tasty. We sat and we talked, and she told me how she had told her friend back in California about me and how similar him and I were. Then she added that we were very similar, except that I wasn't depressed -- at least not visibly on the outside. We talked about how sad it was that so many people are depressed and she asked me a funny question.
"Do you ever look in the mirror and realize you're really annoying?"
I agreed outloud, because of course I feel like i'm annoying to my friends. After all, I send off texts with useless information to them out of the blue, I text friends I haven't talked to in months with nothing but the words "Love you!" and I startup conversations for no reason other than to hear from them. I call it keeping in touch, but I feel like it's probably annoying. I don't know how to moderate myself in that regard. How much is too much? Who gets the last word in? When should I stop texting/chatting?
And of course internally while I'm explaining to her how I feel like I annoy my friend S with my constant bombardment of "I miss your face", I'm thinking to myself
"Do you ever look in the mirror and just hate who you are?"
Of course I didn't ask that, but her question immediately made me think of hating myself and those moments of staring and wondering why I do what I do and if I could change. I've resigned myself to life after college being lonely. It's fine. But I don't see any chance of meeting someone exciting and new, someone who I can be myself with and I don't see myself finding a partner anytime soon. Too many other things to deal with.
I asked her if she felt like she was annoying and she laughed and said "of course!" and we discussed her feeling like she's too bossy with her siblings and stuff. I told her how I felt, that she wasn't annoying, she was just very full of life and it was a good thing. She laughed because she's been told she's full of life before. Which isn't surprising. When you're a person who has that kind of magnetism and feeling for how to live, it's not surprising that people are attracted to it and want to befriends with you, and if they have to describe it, then full of life works perfectly fine.
Of course, -- and this may be projection -- but I find that when people ask questions like that, and reflect on themselves and what others say about them, that perhaps maybe they're not as happy as they seem. For example, she perceives me as a calm person who is collected and is not depressed like her friend. Yet, the moment she asks me a question that causes self introspective I can't help but immediately jump to negativity about myself. It makes me wonder if when I told her she was full of life, if perhaps she doesn't quite feel the same about herself. -- of course, that's conjecture and probably projection of my current feelings onto her. So who knows.
The heart of another is an impossible thing to understand. I can no more fathom it then I can move the stars.
Time to go to sleep and sleep off this irritating feeling of self introspective. It's not conducive to my mental health I think.
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