It's amazing what lying in the dark thinking can do for a person.
I got the results of an ultrasound today. I expected the worst. I was disappointed. And yet... I feel I steeled myself for the worst, but forgot to construct the barriers necessary to handle the other options. To be honest, I had prepared myself for a diagnosis of testicular cancer. That is not the prognosis. However, I still have had my concerns about some other things confirmed.
Expecting something and actually feeling it are two different things. And oddly enough, I think I would have been handling this better if it had been cancer. Instead, I just have more questions. The initial diagnosis of an atrophied testicle back in winter when I had my kidney stones was a possibly correct one. I have followed up with a physical, and the doctor scheduled me for the ultrasound. I have just received the results from him today. I knew there was going to be something wrong with me. But hey, I guess you can never fully prepare.
I think I would have been fine if the medical report wasn't so very cold. Reading that a piece of you is called as an abnormality or an anomaly, while true, is painful. I'm not upset that I have one good half and that that has some random little issues popping up around it that I'll need to keep an eye on. No, I'm upset that the terminology was so insulting. Or rather, that that it is my body that can be described in such a way. I have never been particularly fond of my physical self, being more in tune with my mind and feeling like a stranger or passenger stuck in a shell. A defective shell apparently.
The object that has similarities to what my right half should look like isn't... hmm... testicular enough to fully be identified as an atrophied testicle. Rather, it has some appearances but is still described as abnormal or an anomaly. So the doctor wants me to get a urologist's consultation since they specialize in the male genitalia , and depending on what the specialist says, to get a contrast MRI to see if I have an intra-abdominal teste or if the thing in my right half is what remains of a possibly torsion-ed testicle.
Fun Fact: I've known about my right half being messed up the whole life. Fun Fact: I assumed my physician I had my whole life back home knew about whatever was wrong with me, and that was why it was never brought up during physicals even though this thing would have been clearly active. Fun Fact: I was told that this should have been addressed at birth if it was a birth defect. Fun Fact: I should have been made aware of what was on my own charts throughout childhood so that I wouldn't feel alienated from my peers who were normal Fun Fact: I was told that this never being brought up to me is malpractice. But I can't find myself seeing it that way, the doctors always ask "Do you have any questions for me?" But I was always too damn afraid to be that different. To actually have questions. Sometimes my parents would be in the room, so how could I have brought that up? I remember always thinking to myself, this time they'll see it, this time they'll do something about it or tell me about it. I was always relying on them, the experts and professionals to know what they were doing and to help me without me needing to ask. Relying on other people seems so foolish sometimes. Everyone's motivated by selfish thoughts, everyone wants to better themselves, the only time you can rely on someone else is when they need something from you. It's like everything is a damn transaction. Fun Fact: I feel like most of the friends I have, I only have because they use me to study or to learn from. Fun Fact: I don't blame them to only want to be with me if it helps them. Fun Fact: I see myself as wholly defined by my work. There is nothing more to me than that. The relationships I have with other people? If they're nothing more than just using me as a means to an end, then how can I find worth in them? I just see myself as losing faith in relying on other people more and more. It's like how I lost my faith in God. I always asked for help from 'him/it/her' but nothing ever came. My friends here in VT, I ask for help. Not always directly, but I'm trying not to scream it, I don't want to be a bother, I don't want to be awkward, or be that guy who just wants to talk and be serious. No one wants to be serious. Someone brings up their feelings? Fuck 'em, why should we talk about feelings when they'res parties to be had and nights to forget? Oh I dunno... maybe because I'm having trouble and you called yourself my friend. The people I call my friends? Are they really friends... or are they just peers. A network for me to use as an end to further my career growth? I certainly hope not. I want friends. I could care less about making a lot of money. Money is not important to me at all. I did not choose my profession based on a paycheck. To other people, what the hell do they see? I've been staring at the award the department here gave me now, and I just can't see why they gave it to me. Well... I can state the obvious things. I know why they gave it to me. They perceive me as something I'm not. What do they see me as? They see me as a leader. Someone whose involved in the community. Someone who helps others, who strives to learn, who tries to better themselves and to challenge themselves and succeeds. They think I'll do something important or big. And what do I have to show for their perceptions? Nothing. I have nothing. I can lead yes. I can speak and give a lecture. I can help others understand. I can tackle a problem and beat it down. But how do I actually feel about it? I have no concept of self worth. I judge myself on others. And for a while I judged myself by the projects and work I did with others. But I'm so tired of that. I'm tired of just sharing some technical thing with other people. What meaning is there to it? I want actual relationships with people. I want someone to care about me, and actually convince me that they care about me. But I'm not going to get that. Why? Because people are busy. They're always busy. I had a goddamn mental breakdown at work a few weeks ago. Just sitting there crying as tons of thoughts raced around in my head. I cleaned myself up before a meeting with my boss and gave her my professional opinion on some crap that didn't matter to me. And during that time, I emailed my friend. My best friend. All I wanted was for someone to swoop down and help me. To be there. I hadn't asked him up to that point for any sort of help with my issues, hell, I had made sure he didn't know. I didn't want to worry him at all. And that's my problem. I don't want to worry people. I don't want to take time away from them to deal with my issues. But yet, here I am blogging about it, where I know it will probably be seen by someone who I really care about, who I never want to upset. Who all I want for, is for her happiness and for her to have the most amazing life. And yet, here I am writing, fully aware that the things I say here might make it to her, that might cause her concern for me.
I'm a mass of contradictions. I want her to care and to make me feel better. I want her to not be concerned about me and to not worry. I want to rely on her to be there for me. I want to believe the words she told me before, that she will be there for me. But I don't want to have to have her do that for me. I don't want to be a burden on her. I don't want to burden anyone. And the same with him, with my other best friend. I want him to be there for me, I want to tell him my issues, and I want him to listen and come to me as I would come to him. I don't want to tell him my issues, I don't want to burden him with my issues. I don't want to add to the problems of this world. I just want to solve them. I want to fix things. I want to make people feel good. I want to make people see themselves as I see them. I look at her and I see the most amazing woman I've ever known, someone who gave me more in a year than anyone has ever given me in my whole life. Someone who actually cared about me enough to comfort me at my lowest lows. Who was responsible for making me feel those warm feelings of love and someone who I felt serious about. Someone who, even though we're no longer together, has maintained contact with me and still is there for me when I really need her. I don't know how I could ask someone to do what she does for me. When you find someone who just seems to say the right things, I just want to be selfish and hold on to it. But I had to let go and I could let go because I want her to be happy, and she can do so much better than the fucked up ball of contradictions and emotional wreckage I am. I look at my friend and he's more of a friend than most of the people I've known my whole life. I've stayed up nights upon nights talking to him about fears, about secrets, about nonsensical bullshit. He didn't just want to use me for grades or to study with, he actually cares about me. And even though I've been feeling like shit and he hasn't really been around for me as much, I know he would be if he could be. We all have issues, and I don't blame people for dealing with theirs before dealing with others.
I'm so damn quick to accept an excuse for someone not being able to help me. Do I not want help or something? Am I subconsciously just running away from my problems? Do I think I deserve this? What did I do to myself, what did I experience growing up that has made me feel this way. No matter the amounts of awards and praise bestowed on me from other people it just doesn't seem to matter. Am I just depressed? I don't feel depressed. I don't contemplate suicide. It's weak and foolish. Entirely selfish and solves no problems. I would never dream of doing such a thing to myself. Such stupidity. I've had multiple friends who have tried to and my respect for them drops off rather fast at that point if they don't seek help. But really. Am I displaying depression? I had 3 bites of a burger for dinner and am full already, I just lay in my bed for 4 hours in the dark listening to random music from youtube and it wasn't until the power range theme song came up that I felt a little better. I could be out drinking with friends right now and being ridiculous, instead I'm in my room listening to music sitting in my underwear because it's warm. I don't want to be drinking right now. I don't want to and will not be an alcoholic like my brother. I will not let myself be pulled into abusing and relying on substances to keep me happy. It's stupid. And yet, I fall into my own trap and let my work be my drug. Is that any better? Am I any better than the people I dislike? I told my friend the other day that we hate the things we see in ourselves that we see in other people. It's why I think that people who are too similar just don't get along after a while. You see the things you hate in yourself reflected in someone else and it's just too much.
The girl who had a crush on me that I blogged about before attempted suicide a couple weeks ago. It's not my fault, she has other issues that she's told me about that are the real reason. But I don't think I'm especially helpful in my rejection of her. Probably another nail in someone else's coffin. I had a talk with her a week or so ago and she told me she hated herself, and that she didn't know why. She sat on my floor and cried and pored her heart out to me. It's not the first time this semester that I've had a friend over in my room crying into the night talking to me about their problems. It's like my room has become this weird therapy session zone. I really don't mind listening. In fact, I take a weird sort of selfish pleasure in hearing other people's problems. It cheers me up. Am I an awful person for that? Hearing that someone else has it rough... I suppose it just eases my loneliness a little bit. Especially when it seems like their problems are worse than mine. And the weirdest thing is that most of the people who have come to me and talked to me about their personal problems, I didn't even think of as friends before. Just random acquaintanceship. What makes me special enough that they want to talk to me about it? Can they tell I'm hurt as well and maybe find solace in it? Or is it just that I'm the nearest thing that seems to be willing to listen.... to be honest it feels more like that last one. I'm sure that if the people who talk to me about their problems had a therapist then they might not even need to bother speaking with me at all.
I guess I just see myself as a tool for other people to use and then throw away... It's not an especially nice view on myself. But all I want to be is useful. All I want to do is to fix things and to make someone else happy. Can I even do that if I can't be happy myself? Is that why none of my relationships last? Am I just thrown away when they've used me for what they wanted. Does anyone care? Will I just go off and work at my new job and live somewhere new, as a hermit, never seeing anyone? Will I be forgotten?
Probably. I don't think I'm really worth noticing.
How is it that I started by talking about my medical issues and ended up pyschoanalyzing myself again? This happens a lot. Maybe I'm just bipolar or something, I have really good days sometimes and am happy as can be. And then I have times like this where I get some bad news and am all down...
I suppose it's normal to be upset over getting bad news, especially when it's got something to do with your own body. So maybe it makes sense that I'm feeling worthless and crappy --because my body is different and I'm not who I wish I could be, so I guess I'm just really feeling that. I don't think I'm actually depressed. I think that I'm just expressing myself and letting things out.... which is healthy right? All those bad feelings and shitty thoughts are just me trying to get the pain out from not being able to accept myself for who I am. Quickly! Have a Zen Moment!
I cannot lie around in my bed for 4 hours doing nothing. It is not productive and solves 0 of my problems. And that's the truth. I can't say that no one cares about me. I have to believe that some people do. They might not be the people I expect, but I'm sure they do. I have to believe other people when they tell me good things about myself. I've got to build up my confidence again and be happy with who I am in life. I need to take pride in my achievements and build my relationships with people so that I don't just have a network of possible job options, but a network of friends who'd like me to succeed. These things are not easy. But they can be done, and I have the work ethic to do it. I'm sure there will be many days that I feel low, and worthless. But on these days I just need to actually listen to the people who I care about and try to internalize what they tell me is good about myself.
But does anyone notice
But does anyone care?
...
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains
And there's no room in this hell
And there's no room in the next
But does anyone notice
There's a corpse in this bed
-
Early Sunsets over Monroeville -MCR
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0NERhGOr2w
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